Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Masturbating with L'Occitane Products

By Pauly
New York City

On Friday afternoon, I checked into the Empire Hotel. I have only stayed in a hotel in New York City once before, when Nicky and I flew out last summer to see Widespread Panic concert at Radio City Music Hall. Since I've been practically living out of hotels, it seemed like an ordinary experience to me.

The Empire was located across the street from Lincoln Center. It's super expensive, but I found a great last minute deal on Expedia. Sure, I spent a few bucks for the room, but considering how expensive it goes during the weekend, I couldn't pass up the deal.

Like most NYC or London hotels, the room was very small and compact and basic. There was a huge plasma screen and an extremely comfortable bed. I did not have any problems falling asleep and in fact, I slept a little more than normal.

The shower was a bit odd... it was a rainfall shower head which was attached to the ceiling. When you turned it on, the water rushed from above in an attempt to replicate rainfall. The shampoo and soap were from L'Occitane. Very chic. It's much smoother to the touch and easier to rub one out with fancy bath gel instead of the run of the mill industrial soap that you sometimes get in shitty hotels.

I got the room so I could work on a couple of deadlines without any interruptions. I had one run-in with the maid on the first day. That particular hotel had a magnetized Do Not Disturb sign. It was large and round. One side said, "Make up my room." The other side said, "Do Not Disturb."

I was writing on Saturday morning when I heard a knock. I was ready to rip the maid in half. She pointed to the door. There was no sign. In fact, the sign was missing. Someone must have taken it off in the middle of the night. I apologized and she gave me a new sign. That was the last and only incident that I had with the maids.

I managed to make all of the deadlines. I had a little extra pressure on two of them. I have not had that sort of anxiety and intense pressure since the 2006 World Series of Poker. I had an assignment for Fox Sports and at the last minute I was told that it was going to be run on MSN's home page. I freaked out. I drank heavily. I barely slept. And I wrote a crappy piece.

I was setting myself up to fail once again. I kept pushing off the assignment and when I was ready to write, I got sick and then had some family issues to deal with. Well, I was on the clock and spending a nifty penny on the hotel room to insure privacy and concentration. I made the deadline which is like 80% success. Everything is out of my hands right now and my stomach turns every time I check my email because I'm fearing that email from the editor where I get bad news.

I got in hot water a couple of months ago for writing a racy column about going to strip clubs in Key West. It represented one of the best pieces that I wrote in a very long time and I was more than thrilled with the editor's choice to publish the controversial article. There were a few problems after the publication and one of the owners wasn't exactly thrilled. I also got one hilarious but distrubing piece of hate mail suggesting that I promote human trafficking by attending strip clubs. Regardless of that absurdity, I have to scale back the raunchiness of my future columns if I want to continue working with that publication. Since they pay me my highest rate, I'm more than willing to comply. I knew that I was pushing it, and I got pulled back a bit. If anything, I'm thrilled that my editor had the balls to publish the piece even though he knew there was a possibility that it would get all of us in trouble.

I finally completed the latest issue of Truckin' and it was only a day or two late. It had been on time (and even early a couple of times) over the last year or so. For a while, I was publishing it at the end of the month. I should be back on my 5th of the month schedule.

And shit! The content Coventry is fuckin' flying high. The music and Phish blog has multiple posts almost every day from six different contributors. In the last week or so, we had posts on a wide array of music including Radical Face, Widespread Panic, Disco Biscuits, Radiohead, Mel Tillis, Dark Star Orchestra, Thao & The Get Down, Grace Potter and the Nocturnals, and of course Phish (Specifically the 10th anniversary celebration of their infamous Island Tour). And let's not forget about BTreotch stumbling upon a pre-op tranny who covers Phish songs. I wish I was making this stuff up.

The TV in my hotel room had BBC America. I watched a couple episodes of Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. I'm addicted to that show and usually only get to watch it whenever I'm on a JetBlue flight which seems like once every ten days or so.

On Monday afternoon, I watched the Food Network at my brother's apartment. Paula was cooking this crazy insane dessert. It was home made hot chocolate which she poured into a large cup. Then she added two big scoops of chocolate ice cream. And then she added a big scoop of homemade whipped cream. Then she added chocolate shavings. And that's not all... then she busted out the chocolate spoon. She dipped a spoon in melted chocolate (two kinds dark and white) and then let it cool in the fridge. Unreal. That might have been the sickest chocolate themed dessert I had ever seen made on TV.

Rachael Ray came on next and made a bacon and onion pasta sauce. Holy fuck. I jizzed in my pants. I think I need to write a follow up post to Bong Hits with Rachael Ray.

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