I was having a bad day when Marty Beckerman cheered me up with FML. I laughed my ass off for fifteen minutes straight.
Fuck my life.
Here are some of my favorite gems...
Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left.
Today, I was talking to my friend about my life and she stopped me mid-sentence and told me that my life makes her sad.
Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder.
Today, I drunkenly buried my girlfriends recently deceased cat. Later she asked to see it and came back inside crying. It turns out I didn't bury it completely and it's back two legs were poking out of the dirt.
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her exiting her room....my electric tothbrush in her hand.
Today my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too.
Today, my 4 year old niece ask me why I didn't have a job or wife.
Today, my mom slept all day. But when she got out of bed for five minutes, she told me I was a worthless piece of shit. Then she proceeded to do nothing, and went back to bed.
Today, I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came "Forgive me Lord! Forgive me Lord!"
Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway".
Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me.
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain.
Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets.
Today, I got in a huge fight with my mom. So, I went to my room and locked myself in there and played loud music so I didn't have to hear her. She then decides to yell at me over facebook. Shortly after, I log out of Facebook. She then starts yelling at me on Yahoo.
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again.
Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much turkey at a family reunion. When I looked around the room over 20 relatives were giving me nasty looks.
I think Daddy wrote the last one.