Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Leftovers: March Madness, KGB, and JLo

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA


The worst thing about watching 42 hours of March Madness coverage on CBS is the commercials. God, I hate those fuckin' commercials. Even the quirky funny ones get annoying after seeing it for the 43rd time. During a four-day period, I must have seen over a hundred or so total commercials (both national and local). Out of the 100 or so, CBS bombarded me with the same dozen commercials over a hundred times.

Shock and awe.

My head hurts. I wonder who is the post-modern version of Don Draper who came up with the idea of creating the same two 30-second commercials and airing them during the same commercial break as the first and last one you see. Genius. That's what I say. The guy is a friggin' genius, but that still doesn't change the fact that I owe him a swift quick in the junk.

How about two quick kicks instead of one long one?

Look, I get it. Commercials are essential, especially when funding the live stream on the internet. Advertising and sports have gone hand-in-hand since the Romans tossed the first Christians to the lions and the Roman version of Don Draper figured out that he could sell space in the hallways of the Coliseum. To reduce expenses on paint, they used the blood from Christians after they were mauled to death. Soak a couple of rags in blood and you have an ancient-version of a magic marker.

March Madness is a spectacle. I'm a fan and a contributor. I'll never be content with CBS' coverage but at least their philosophy is thousands of times better than NBC and their coverage of the Olympics. Sure, I bitch and moan about not getting to see the March Madness game that I want to watch (mainly because I have some sort of vested financial interest), but the CBS suits at least give you a "regional" game with minimal human-interest bullshit. That's much more edible than the faux-live coverage of the Olympics.

CBS allows the viewers at home to see March Madness. NBC allows us to see NBC's vision of the Olympics. Maybe someday, ESPN will snatch up the broadcast rights to the Olympics and then we'd see significantly more coverage of almost all of the events (and not just watching the Americans compete in "popular" sports). Anyway, thank God that the Olympics are over, mainly because I can't bet on every single event like I can with March Madness.

Moving on...

During the March Madness bender, I watched a shitload of commercials, but the one that perplexes me the most is... KGB. I have no idea what that does. What is KGB? When I was a kid, KGB was known as the Russian's version of the CIA. When I was in college, KGB was an acronym for Kind Green Bud. But today... CBS is touting commercials for something called KGB. I'm not even sure if they are talking about KGB.com? Is it even a website. I'm clueless, but the commercial annoyed me after a while because of my inability to figure out what the fuck they were selling me.

Knowledge. That's what the folks at KGB are selling you. The ability to know what they know very fast. You can't put a price on that. Or can you?

Yes, for just 99 cents, the people at KGB (or is it just a webbot?) will send you answers to your questions via text messages. Isn't that just the laziest thing you ever heard? Who would be stupid to actually spend that money? There's something called the Internet. It has a lot of porn but always has plenty of answers to our questions. Shit, Twitter is far more useful in a quick pinch. Just ask any question on Twitter and you're bound to get a few quick replies.

Over four days, I saw lots of commercials for different CBS prime time programs. I don't watch any of them unless Wil is making a guest spot on one of the comedies or hour long dramas. I'm told that Doogie Howser is gay in real life but he plays a straight character for his sitcom. He made a Twitter joke in one of the commercial spots plugging his show that I've never seen. I must have heard Doogie's Twitter joke 213 times, so much so that I wanted to delete my Twitter account for it officially jumping the fail whale.

The trailer for the new J. Lo movie really ticked me off. First of all, who the fuck would want to get involved with a chick when they are pregnant? That's the one of the Top 5 reasons why most guys ditch their girlfriends -- because they get knocked up.

Who in their right mind wants to be the boyfriend of some crazy ass Latina spinster who couldn't find Mr. Right, nor she couldn't find one of her gay friends to impregnate her, so she turned to medical science and artificially insemination... but wait... then she meets a guy and the two fall in love. What kind of bullshit movie is that?

Holy fucktards, Batman. Are studio suits that fucking egotistical that they think they can ram a sloppy shit sandwich like that down our throats? Do they really think that people will flock to the theatres to see it? For fuck's sake, Jim Cameron has blue people in 3D blowing shit up. How can they compete with that?

Pregnant J.Lo. Romantic Comedy. Hilarity ensues. This is why I want to work in Hollywood.

No wonder I prefer basketball, or sports for that matter. Plenty of drama. In the moment. Real. Now. Plus, you can bet on it.

Illustration by: Dyna Moe

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