Monday, June 14, 2010

Black Hole Side Step

By Pauly
Las Vegas, NV

So much of what I do is surrounded by high school type drama that it's impossible to wander around without getting sucked into one of those black holes.

Frankly, much of this drama ruined my productivity this week. I estimated that I wasted 20-25 hours on petty bullshit. OK, maybe 5-10 was essential, but the rest was a waste of my time and energy at a point when I have very little time to begin with.

I got sucked into three black holes last week. Two of my friends got stuck and I dove in after them. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, which is why I was pissed that I got sucked into a third one, well not really full on, more like 2.75 black holes. I realized that the third black hole was an issue is such a touchy subject that it really caused a rift in something that really should have been fun and celebratory. Don't you hate that? When something that's supposed to bring people together gets torn apart?

I was able to speak my mind without having to get involved in the ensuing fall out and drama. I got sucked into that twice already in the week, the last thing I wanted to do was go crazy after an insane weekend where I think I had my first mental breakdown of the summer. Since this is my 6th summer in Las Vegas, I expect a major meltdown and two minor ones to flare up. Every summer. That's what happens when you work inside a casino for 100+ hours a week for seven straight weeks. No human can withstand that constant bombardment of stimuli, depravity, and lack of morality.

Last summer, I had a minor shitfest at the beginning of the summer and a big blowup (that was over quick and not really a mental breakdown as much as someone was being a real asshole and I stood up for myself) . But on Saturday -- wow -- talk about a mental meltdown when I went from firing on all cylinders to turning my brain to mush and looking at my hands shaking like a Parkinson's patient. Luckily only a few were privy to the anguish that I was sweating for a few hours.

I got out of the tailspin and flew away unscathed. But, I was on the edge of the abyss for a few moments. I'm much better now and realize that it could have been a lot uglier. People make irrational and stupid decisions when they are distraught. I'm lucky nothing of that sort happened.

I also see how foolish I was to get stuck in a few traps which lead to black holes. I see friends walking right into black holes left and right. I dunno if I have the strength to keep pulling them out.

I've had four or five really difficult weeks in 2010, but this past one is definitely up there. Ironically, in the last week, I penned two of the better posts that I wrote so far this summer. I guess I thrive on the few hours of peacefulness that I get when I finally go home to write. I look forward to the three or fours hours at the end of the night between 3 and 7am when I write up a recap after sifting through a few pages of notes and tweets. The hard part is that I have to spend 12 hours a day dealing with bullshit -- mostly others -- and most of that fabricated drama.

I loathe fabricated drama. It's all around me. Insecurities of my peers are floating around like flu germs. I have to wash my hands or I'll get infested by their negativity. I see so many people coming apart, unraveling, losing their minds. And we're only at the start of week three of seven.

My goal for this week is to be numb to it all. I want to be sober so I can enjoy next weekend when I see Phish in SPAC. But then again, the best way I can ignore all of the drama is to be numb to it all. For some reason, when I'm floating a few feet off the ground, it's impossible to step into a black hole since I'm hovering over it.

I got two big deadlines, well three if you count the proofreading of Lost Vegas. Once I'm done with all three, I'm gonna float for the rest of the week and ignore all of the immature antics.

Maybe that's the key for the next 40+ days. Keep floating to avoid the black holes.

3 comments:

  1. one thing i took out of my time in the trenches of a certain 12 step program is Principles over personalities. Also that most of my life isnt any of my business and neither is other peoples crap. When you get down to it we involve ourselves in stuff we have no business we have being in. Thats why its said for most people,  when your up in your head your in enemy territory. That being said its hard to see your friends/loved ones suffering. Hence we get involved.

    Shake off the bad energy/ju ju of the Rio/throw some salt over your shoulder/say a novena burn some sage because Phish is on tap in a few short days.

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  2. Schizohedron4:33 PM

    Sometimes folks have a sick, attention-based need to be saved from their own disasters. And some folks do it out of jealousy of those who are too smart or disciplined to fall into these holes, just to drag them down to their level. Realizing this has saved me from tripping into others' black holes ... and stopped me from dragging others into mine.

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  3. Poker Shrink12:57 PM

    Dude, call me up. My phone rates are much cheaper than the live Amazon rate.

    ReplyDelete