Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Bill Clinton and the Battle of Wounded Knee

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

"I have a saying about high school girls...
I get older, and they stay the same age."

Time flies. It's been 16 years since William Jefferson Clinton tumbled down the stairs at Greg Norman's house and our 42nd President blew out his knee. The official story, according to a White House press release, said Clinton tripped because of "shadowy steps" outside Norman's home (on a golf course in Florida). But we know the real story... El Presidente jacked up on Bolivian Marching Powder and twisted his knee while trying to bang Miss Florida Teen in the hot tub.

I never bought the official story about the shadowy steps. My theory included a schwasted Slick Willy chasing around high-end escorts and he tripped because that's what happens when you have your pants around your ankles and try to run after someone one-third your age. That's how Slick Willy promptly tore up his knee chasing pussy around during a bacchanalian orgy at an Australian golfer's palatial estate. That sex-crazed scenario fits his playboy image.

The American public could never see our President in a moment of weakness... that's simply un-American. The leader of the "free" world should not be a clumsy goober with bad eye sight who can't even walk down a two steps in someone's porch without fall on his fat ass. But then again, the public does not need to know about Bill Clinton penchant for co-eds and cocaine.

I dunno why the over-protective press secretary tried to cover up the origins of the dreaded knee blowout. The sordid truth is far more compelling... Slick Willy tore his ACL while Jell-o wrestling a trio of U.F. sorority girls in Greg Norman's back yard.

Writing about Bill Clinton's wounded knee from 1997 gave s me a flashback of Phil Hartman's spot-on impersonations of a self-indulgent, yet bubbly version of Clinton, particularly the McDonald's cold open and his sly remark to his Secret Service detail, "You know... there's a lot of things we're not going to be telling Mrs. Clinton."

America overlooked all the rumors and evidence about Slick Willy philandering ways, yet when he took office, little did we know he had a few cards up his sleeve and a couple of interns stuck to his zipper.

The mid-90s were a much different era before snark became the American pastime. The masses did not have an open forum to express themselves aside from the bathroom stall at dive bars or gas stations. Had this Clinton-Lewinsky happened today, Twitter would be flooded with terrible ejaculation and crooked penis jokes. An avalanche of Bill Clinton blow job memes would actually break the internet.

1 comment:

  1. A conspiracy theory sure to blow up in someone's face.