Wednesday, November 18, 2009

lax > mia

By Pauly
Miami, FL

I just puked in the toilet of the Admiral's Lounge in Miami International Airport. I blame their microwaved breakfast sandwich which contained a bland egg and a sausage patty ground up bits of shit they scrapped off the killing floor of the slaughterhouse. It came up as fast as I ate it. I knew that it was sketchy yet I was starving and that was the only non-apple or mini bran muffin to munch on. Shit, I've eaten better food in vending machines.

Back in the day, the frequent fliers lounges hooked you up with free food and free booze. No longer. You get stale cookies and cubes of cheese for free and the tepid cup of coffee. Everything else you have to pay for. What's the point really? Does a complimentary copy of the fourth-grade reading level USA Today really get people off? I used my copy to wipe down the toilet seat. Fuckin' suits can't even have the decency to lift up the toilet.

At this point, the only benefit is sitting in the lounge that is not with the huddled masses in the terminal. All those screaming kids and moronic travelers who annoy the shit out of seasoned travelers and businessmen constantly on the road. Sure, you escape that plight and no longer have to mingle with the riff raff. They sell these memberships for a fee otherwise you have to grind out thousands of miles of air travel in order to enjoy this perk.

As you can tell, I was unimpressed with the cutbacks in food and beverages. Tap water? Are you kidding me? That's what I drank this morning when we stumbled into the lounge after our red eye from LAX to Miami. I didn't even get to finish my glass before a busboy snatched it up.

The seclusion from the rest of the airport is my only solace. That and all the plugs to charge stuff. That's a neat bonus. But aside from that -- this frequent fliers club is vastly overrated.

We hung out in the Admirals Club in LA. The waiter wanted to charge me for a sparkling water. Luckily he clued me in that soda water was free. I had two of those and played online poker to kill time before our red eye flight from LAX to MIA. Ah, this is just the third time I've been in the Admiral's lounge and the novelty has already worn off.

I didn't sleep on my flight which is the source of my cranky mood. I had a nice lady next to me, but she was overly chatty and kept asking questions. I tried to pretend to fall asleep in mid-question but that did not deter her.

So now it's 9am and I have ninety more minutes to kill before I board the second of three flights. The next leg is to San Jose, Costa Rica then we have to jump on a puddle jumper to take us to Playa Conchal. Otis is a lucky fucker. He's flying directly from the US to a tiny airport in Northern Costa Rica.

Gotta go find some stomach meds before the next flight.

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