Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Blue Green

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

First it was dark blue, then light blue, then green. Now it's completely faded.

Sounds like one of Daddy's bowel movements and/or masturbation sessions.

I'm talking about my printer ink. I have one of those cheap Lexmark printers, which I purchased specifically before I started the recent incarnation of Lost Vegas (late 2008). I know that once the book is done, I can finally buy a new printer because the shelf life on those plastic fuckers made in China by 4-year olds, is like 5,000 printed pages, maybe even less. God knows I'm coming close to that mark with the latest batch of re-writes. Cranking them out. I edit better on paper than on the screen. My eyes hurt too after 10-12-14 hour sessions.

The printer prints in color and black. Wow. I love technology. I was operating on the original color cartridge, mainly because I don't use the printer to print anything except what I'm editing. The black ink? Shit, I must have gone through $400-500 worth in the last 18 months. Maybe more. My aunt gave me a Staples gift card for Christmas last year and I used up the bulk of that gift on cheap copy machine paper and printer ink.

That's one of my biggest expenses. Printer ink.

My drug of choice is writing. The fuckers know this. I read somewhere that mentioned printer ink was more expenses per milliliter than oil. Bastards. Fuckin' racket. Damn printer ink cartels. I should find some Jihadists who want to blow up the great Alaskan Ink Pipeline. Then again, that's the sort of disruption that will drive prices up. Then all of a sudden printer ink will be $125 a pop.

Wish I was in on this price fixing scam. I always want to be betting (or working on) the right side of the fix.

And don't pester me with those lame products and ink re-fillers that you see British people with bad Botox jobs hawking on infomercials at 3am. Look, ink is not like buying gas. I have to get a specific ink with a special number. So when I ran out of black ink on Friday, I got irked. It started to fade on Thursday but I pushed it as far as I could hoping to last the entire weekend. Didn't happen.

I got too lazy to change the cartridge. I have three sitting on my shelf sealed away in some sort of plastic that utlizes space age technology. But, I decided to do use up the color one and then replace both at the same time. Hence the shades of blue, then green, before those started to fade.

I just realized that I don't have a backup color cartridge. Fuuuuuuuuck. Yikes. Now I gotta go to Staples and roam their brightly lit aisles, cluttered with tons of shit and junk, trying to find an obscure ink. And if... big if... if I get lucky and find the ink, then I have to stand in line to pay with the rest of the home-office peasants, parents buying kids their school supplies, and disheveled writers working on their screenplay.

The hardest thing is trying to avoid all the impulse buys and candy near the cashier -- seriously, who the fuck came up with the genius idea to sell chocolate inside Staples? Do the suits who run Corporate America really think their citizens are that stupid?

Um..... scratch that last sentence. Speaking of which... I gotta get back to work.

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