Thursday, October 13, 2011

Beer-Dinking Rednecks and Pill-Popping Managers

By Pauly
San Francisco, CA

I first saw the story when Eric W., a friend from Maine who was a Red Sox fan since the moment of conception, had tweet'd the article about the Red Sox late season collapse. A couple of hours later, StB sent out the article to the NYC sports email thread. I re-read it a second time and fired off an email about it before my CrackBerry shit the bed.

The article had everything you expected in an expose pandering to Red Sox Nation, millions of blood-thirsty New Englanders seeking someone to lynch including spoiled players, veteran superstars lacking leadership abilities, drunken pitchers playing video games during games, and even a pill popping manager. Shit, although this is a tragedy, just tweak the script a little to make it a comedy, and you have an awesome plot for Major League 4.

Anyway, here's my 8 initial thoughts about the article describing the Red Sox collopase...
1. Red Sox manager Terry Francona is a drug addict after getting hooked on pharmies as a result of multiple knee surgeries. His crazy wife kicked him out of their Brookline, MA home when she got sick of him nodding out on the couch while giving mock press conferences to Boston Globe writers in their bedroom closet. And the powers that be say marijuana is bad.

2. Francona had troubles motivating his players because he was distracted with his son, a U.S. marine deployed in Afghanistan. Cue "Cats in the Cradle."

3. Even a gift like $300 headphones won't solve a chemistry problem. Inviting jaded players to hang out on a billionaire's yacht causes a deeper disconnect from reality.

4. Sox starting pitchers are spoiled, lazy rednecks who prefer to hang out in the locker room to drink beer, chow down on fried chicken and play video games than act like a loyal teammate and sit in the dugout and clap whenever Dustin Pedroia legs out a double.

5. Baseball is a game of stats. If a 45-year old Tim Wakefield wants to break Cy Young's and Roger Clemens' records, then let him do it instead of a Yankees-defector like the juice-riddled Rocketman who "misremembers" if he took roids or not. Shit, anytime you have a shot at breaking a record held by Cy Fucking Young, you have to give a man a chance, even if he's a stat-centric, vain, perverted knuckleballer.

6. Kevin Youklis is old school and plays hurt. But, Youk was pissed that he played through all kinds of pain while redneck pitchers ate fried chicken, drank beer and played video games in the clubhouse.

7. Crawford, Lackey and Jenks were overpaid busts. Players resented that the richest starting pitcher(s) on the team sat around playing video game with fried chicken-eating and beer guzzling rednecks.

8. Some players are acting like spoiled children because their parents (Sox owners) are more concerned with megabuck deals with big media conglomerates and expanding their empire to Europe, where the #1 sport is long-haired hippies and Brazilians with first names kicking around a large spherical object into a net, while a coked-up Mexican announcer screams "Goooooooooooooooooooooal."
Read the original article here.

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