Saturday, April 23, 2011

Lima > Cusco: Coca Tea, Alien Stonework, and Saqsayhuaman

By Pauly
Cusco, Peru

I probably should have slept for more than an hour, but I wasn't thinking properly. I blame the local produce that I scored along with a steady flow of beer. Whenever I'm done with a work assignment in a foreign country, there's always been a tradition among my fellow reporters to stay up as late as possible partying, drinking, and gambling. Sunday night was no exception. As soon as our assignment ended, I went out to dinner with my colleagues F Train, Rey, and Shamus to a restaurant hanging over the cliffs of Miraflores in Larcomar Mall, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. An illuminated cross flickered in the distance as we discussed the ambiguous future of the online poker industry in America after Black Friday -- one of the darkest days in the online poker world when my two biggest clients, Full Tilt and PokerStars, were indicted by the DOJ. I assumed the worst (and luckily prepared for Black Friday) and took the stance that my run as a poker writer and reporter was over -- and that if I still found work, then so be it, but if not -- then that was that. The industry had consolidated over the last few years anyway, and only the two biggest online sites were able (and willing) to pay my freelance rate, whereas many other clients offered much less (which is also why I reduced my roster over the last few years).

Do you believe in symbols? I do.

Perhaps I should have been more concerned about my future, but I was more excited about visiting Machu Picchu, which collided with the end of the online poker world as it had previously existed. I knew that the next leg of my Peruvian journey was going to be one of the most important and influential sojourns in my life, so any obstacles or setbacks surrounding Black Friday and online poker were inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things. In one way, the trip to Machu Picchu was the first step on my new journey, and whatever visions I acquired on top of the mountain would become the driving force for me over the next few weeks, months, and years. I anticipated the moment I reached the summit, because it would mark both the end of one era and the beginning of a new one.

Symbols. They were all around me on this trip. Especially the alien stuff.

So, I stayed up way way way late on Sunday night playing cards with my buddies, joking around, listening to Rey's selection of Costa Rican reggae, and feeling so dammed lucky that we experienced Black Friday together as a support group. I don't know if we could have gotten through it without all of our collective wit.

My wake up call was set for 7am. I finished packing at 6am and crawled into bed as sunlight filled my expansive loft. I slept for an hour before it was time for me to meet up with Shirley and Sos -- my travel companions to Machu Picchu. Both are good friends from LA and we got along perfectly when we went to Costa Rica together in November of 2009. Shirley is one of the most inspirational persons I've met in poker (single mom, cancer survivor, professional poker player, small business owner and web entrepreneur), and she's up for anything when it comes to adventures. Her boyfriend, Sos, speaks fluent Spanish and we get along like peas and carrots. As an ex-special forces soldier and veteran of the first Gulf War, I couldn't think of a better travel partner than Sos in an exotic locale.

The journey to Machu Picchu isn't easy. There's no roads to Machu (aside from the infamous Inca trail) and you have to take a train to the foot of the mountain, which isn't the most accessible spot in Peru. In short, we had to fly southeast from Lima over the Andes Mountains into Cusco (or Cuzco as some locals spell it), then take a two-hour bus ride from Cusco to a small town called Ollantaytambo. From Ollantaytambo, we would board a train on Peru Rail which wound alongside the Urubamba river (which I dubbed the Chocolate Milk River, because it looked like... chocolate milk) through the Andes and reached an even smaller town called Aguas Calientes (literally translated into Hot Water because of the warm springs at the edge of town), and from Aguas Calientes we could hike up to the top of Machu Picchu, or take a 20-minute bus up to the top.

Just to recap: Lima > Cusco > Ollantaytambo > Aguas Calientes > Machu Picchu.

No wonder the Spanish never conquered Machu Picchu. They might have heard it existed, but they never got that far into the Andes. Besides, by then, Machu Picchu had been deserted for many years, but let's not get too ahead of ourselves.

At the least, we had a two-day journey ahead of us to get from Lima to Machu Picchu. If we wanted to trek in, it would have taken four days, something we considered, but none of us had the luxury of extra time to hike the Inca Trail. Alas, we flew to Cusco as a staging area for our trip to Machu Picchu.

We landed in Cusco on Monday around noon and I kept thinking how it reminded me a bit of Telluride -- a plush valley in a mountainous region -- except Telluride is tiny and Cusco is huge with almost a half a million people, the majority of them living in shanty towns up on the mountainside and descending into the city to work in various aspects of the blossoming tourism industry.

Cusco is not just a launching point for Machu Picchu -- it's also the site of its own historic Incan ruins. At its height of power, Cusco was the Washington DC and NYC of the empire -- the center of both political and commercial interests for the entire region. Cusco was strategically built to be the true center of the Incan empire. But then the Spanish waltzed in and conquered the Incas, but that's a whole other story.

At the airport in Cusco, we were swarmed with different sales people from competing Machu Picchu tour operating companies. We ignored them and headed outside. Before we left Lima, Shirley and Sos arranged the entire trip through a company so all we had to do was show up at the airport and find the dude waving a piece of cardboard with our names on it. He waved over to us and we followed him to his big, shiny, white Mercedes van. A very tiny, yet well dressed lady with a limp (think the Peruvian version of the seer in The Poltergeist flick, which I quickly nicknamed the "Go into the light!" lady) climbed into the van and told us that she was taking care of our entire sojourn. Her English was passable, but Sos and her conversed in Spanish as the driver left the airport and took us into the center of town to our hotel. The tiny lady apologized for traffic in advance. We had chosen the holiest week of the year to visit Cusco and Machu Pichu. Even though Peruvians worship Incan gods like Inti, the powerful Sun god, they're also devout Catholics (the religion brought over from Spanish missionaries). The previous day was Palm Sunday with Easter less than a week away. For Monday, the entire town was getting ready for a festival celebrating the Lord of Earthquakes, because Cusco was nearly destroyed in the mid-1500s by a destructive quake. Sos loosely translated the Holy Monday festival something to the effect of the Black Jesus.

We arrived at our hotel located on the most famous street in Cusco, the Avenue del Sol. The tiny lady with the limp told that our rooms weren't ready yet, and we had ten minutes to drop off our bags before a bus took us on a five-hour tour of Cusco. I had broken up my luggage into two pieces; I left my carry-on behind at Lima airport in storage (which had work clothes) and only took my backpack (with 2 days of clothes, rain gear, headlamp, laptop, and camera) with me. I ditched my backpack at our hotel and the tiny lady handed us cups of light greenish tea -- the infamous coca tea or coca matte. Instead of chewing coca leaves to help adjust to the altitude, we sipped the bitter tasting green tea. I eventually acquired a taste for what the locals subbed "Incan Red Bull."

Cocaine in a cup, baby! Yep, talk about cocaine in liquid form. I wish I could grow that stuff in my backyard without the DEA destroying it.

A few sips definitely perked me up considering I was working with an hour of sleep. The coca tea also helped open up the breathing passages in my lungs. I sipped more tea as I staved off the massive migraine that invaded my head. I had been to Colorado enough (flying from sea level to the mountains can cause side affects like headaches, stomach aches, and the shits), so I knew what was wrong with me, so I didn't freak out. Part of the reason the locals discourage foreigners from flying directly to Machu Picchu is due to the abrupt change in altitude. Most tour operators want you to spend a day or two in Cusco to adjust to the thin air (oh, and to bilk you out of a few more tourist dollars). At times I was gasping a bit considering Cusco was in excess of 11,000 feet or almost 2,000 more than Telluride.

I slammed the rest of the tea, grabbed my camera, and piled into the back of a tour bus with Sos, Shirley, and six others. Our first stop was the old Suntur Wasi (aka House of God) that was also an Incan temple called Koricancha (aka Temple of the Sun) that was destroyed by the Spanish, who built Santo Domingo church on top of the remnants of exquisite masonry. We met our guide who was knowledgeable, but chatty. He was rather famous for running the Inca Trail in 4:09....yes, a shade over four hours... (but I had no idea what he was bragging about, I assume he meant a specific section). In high school when I was on the cross country team, I once ran a mile under 5 minutes and thought I was a badass. That was on flat terrain in Central Park.

The Capilla del Triunfo cathedral (in the Plaza de Arms main square) and Santo Domingo church represented Spanish domination of the culture, spurred on by greed to accumulate gold and silver, which the Incans didn't see any intrinsic monetary value other than that it was shinny and that the gods gave it to them. Our guide showed us spooky parts of the old temple and the engineering was astonishing.


Cusco is in an active seismic area, so the original architects created stones that had some "give" to them so they could absorb a major quake without tumbling over. That's some of the stuff that you'd see on the History Channel's Ancient Aliens -- because there was no way humans could have created such precise construction with rudimentary tools. Look at the photo above and see how perfect the blocks sat on each other. You couldn't even squeeze a business card or Metrocard in between the cracks. Check out more photos of the ruins here.

I quickly found out that most Peruvians got angry when you mention or reference aliens because they take offense to the fact that gringos like myself doubted that their Peruvian ancestors were the most advanced culture on Earth at the time. However, I also met a few locals who believed in "gods from the sky" that assisted in construction of the first temples and shared their knowledge about astronomy. You can interpret those gods as aliens if you wish, which meshes with my view on the legends and lore of ancient cultures like the Incas. I believe that men and women built the pyramids in Egypt, South America, and the Incan ruins, but with a little help from their extra-terrestrial friends. I wanted to see proof for myself... with my own eyes... and after this trip, I'm a firm believer, yet, I have even more questions. At Capilla del Triunfo, I saw the first example of temple construction with assistance from other worldly beings.

And what the hell were these aliens doing on this gold relief pictured below...


At the church/temple I got yelled at by a security guard for snapping photos of the artwork. As a former museum security guard, I apologized with a hearty, "Lo siento!" But made sure I was much more stealth with future photos,especially the spooky alien stuff.

During our tour of the cathedral, our group of eight doubled in size because a different tour guide couldn't finish up his tour. That sucked because the new folks included a pair of annoying families... from the good old US of A... of course. Within seconds of their arrival, one of the fathers put Sos on uber-tilt. The guy was born in Peru but moved to Miami where he raised a family. He was very well-to-do and his wife and daughter wore super-expensive Chanel sunglasses. He kept asking stupid questions and our guide loved talking, so we had to sit through extra lectures on stupid shit. The other family had a young boy and a girl who were typical annoying Americans than give us a horrible reputation abroad. The chubby son was a bit of a momma's boy and he complained about going everywhere because of rough headaches. I felt bad for him because my head was pounding too, but I was also gutting it out by abstaining from pharmies. The little girl was a riot. Sos said that she was bored as shit and spent most of the tour in the cathedral smacking her father in the nuts. Too bad we couldn't ditch our tour and got stuck with them for another three long hours.

The next stop on our tour went up to the Saqsayhuaman ruins. We piled into the bus and drove up to the mountains surrounding Cusco. Saqsayhuaman was supposed to look like a puma's head, but in reality it looked like a fortress.


The walled complex on the outskirts of town became the last stand for the Incas, who holed up there when the Spanish invaded Cusco. We were visiting scared ground where many warriors lost their lives. Saqsayhuaman had been the center of many rituals for centuries before the Spanish arrived. Again, the engineering and construction was so impressive and precise that it was hard to imagine aliens didn't have a hand in its construction. Some of the rocks are bigger than city buses and two or three stories in height.

To get an exact scale of how large the rocks were, here's Shirley sitting down in front of the wall...


During our time in Saqsayhuaman, our guide gave a long lecture (spurred on by the annoying guy who asked questions). I took the opportunity to lie down on the soft grass. I was so tired after less than an hour of sleep that I actually passed out for five minutes. Sos and Shirley made fun of me because I started snoring!!

Our guide wandered over to a different series of rocks and picked up two plants. One was eucalyptus, which he showed us how to pinch the leaves and then inhale/sniff the plant. The aroma of eucalyptus gave you an instant boost in lung capacity, sort of like the effects of Vick vapor rub when your mom rubbed it on your chest when you were a little kid and had bad congestion. Our guide also picked up another herb (I forgot the name) and it had similar effects. We sat on the rock and got high on natural herbs!

We were running behind schedule (thanks to the guy with annoying questions) and couldn't explore Saqsayhuaman as much as I wanted. In the parking lot, I snapped a photo with now infamous photo the lady with the llama.


Meanwhile, Sos found another lady selling corn. We didn't eat anything all day (except coca tea) because the folks at the tour suggested we eat super light before flying into Cusco so our stomachs wouldn't get fucked up by the altitude. The corn in Peru has huge kernels the size of quarters. The old lady gave us corn still in the husk with a slice of cheese. Corn and cheese was the only thing I ate that entire day -- and it was the best fucking corn I ever ate.

Our next stop was a healing spring. It wasn't as impressive as Saqsayhuaman. I kinda wished we skipped the springs and spent more time at Saqsayhuaman. We had to hike up a steep incline to reach the springs. An old guy in our group lost his mud and had serious breathing problems. His right arm went numb. Our guide pulled a bottle out of his jacket -- combination of herbs and rubbing alcohol -- rubbed it on his hands and cupped his hands over the guys nostrils and mouth. He told the old guy to inhale and he repeated the process a second time. The old guy sneezed and all of a sudden, he could breathe again -- in fact that was better than ever. The guy went from looking like he was having a heart attack, to looking like an Ethiopian marathoner.

I had a second batch of coca tea and I was also jacked up, enough so that I kept pace with our guide as we reached the top of the trail near the springs at the same time. Although my noggin was still throbbing, my lungs were able to handle the thin air and we chatted for a few minutes while everyone caught up. By then, Shirley and Sos had gotten chilly from the mountain air. Their thin SoCal blood couldn't handle the cool, brisk Andes air so they purchased alpaca hats from women hawking souvenirs along the trail. They picked the perfect spot to sell tourists warm gear.

Our next stop was underground at a spot many originally thought was a site for human sacrifice. It was actually a place to leave bodies during the mummification process because it was a cold slab of rock that was perfect for preservation purposes. By then, night was starting to fall, and our tour was almost over except for one last stop at a factory/outlet where the guide had a young woman give us a quick tutorial on how to determine authentic alpaca-woven clothes and synthetic rip offs that locals might try to sell us in Cusco and en route to Machu Picchu. It wasn't much a tutorial, but more a ploy to get gringos to buy souvenirs.


By the time we reached our hotel, I was starving and had a wicked headache. I popped a Vicodin to reduce the pounding, throbbing pain. We ate dinner at a place next to our hotel. Our waiter was awful, but the food was good and we got free Pisco Sours. I loaded up on pasta because I needed to load up on carbs for the next day, when we took off for Machu Picchu. A local band using traditional Incan instruments (like the wood flutes) played random cover songs like Bridge Over Troubled Water.

I retreated to my room and collapsed on my bed. I had been working on an hour of sleep and I had less than six hours before a 4:30am wake up call. The tiny lady with the limp arranged for us to leave Cusco at 6am in order to reach Machu Picchu by noon. Unable to find any basketball playoff games on TV, I settled on a random baseball game with Spanish-speaking announcers. It was the last thing I heard before I drifted to sleep.

* * *

I uploaded a couple of photo galleries...
Lima, Peru
Cusco, Peru and Saqsayhuaman Ruins

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Arrived at Machu Picchu

By Pauly
Aguas Calientes, Peru

As the saying goes... it's all downhill from here.


Depending on my wifi situation this weekend, I will try to post some more photos and a video or two.

And stay tuned for a full trip report about the arduous journey to Machu Picchu.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

LAX > Lima

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

I barley slept during my last two days in Los Angeles. I woke up on Monday morning fairly early and didn't sleep at all that night, only catching a 40-45 minute nap when I reached my 25th straight hour of being up. That would be the only rest I'd get in LA before I left for the airport in the early evening. I spent a good 6-7 hours attempting to triage all of the stuff I never got done on my infamous To Do list.

I spent the entire afternoon on tilt and called an audible a few hours before I was set to leave -- I decided to switch bags. I was going to take a large backpack because I prefer to travel light since I was actually packing for two different trips (a work assignment in Lima and a side trip to Machu Picchu). I realized that my backpack was at 99% capacity which is a bad idea when you travel. Always leave yourself 10-15% extra space. I scrambled to find out if Lima airport had storage lockers. Once I discovered they did -- I called the audible and went for a wheelie suitcase and my small bookbag (to hold my laptop). The wheelie allowed me to take everything I originally wanted instead of trimming my load by 20%. Once I'm done with work in Lima, I'll head to the airport, drop off the suitcase, and just pack a couple of days clothes and hiking gear for the arduous journey to Machu Picchu.

In theory it made sense and I felt a tad better knowing that I could have the best of both worlds. Even with taking a wheelie, I still think I underpacked compared to the average person.

I had a hectic chat with Nicky before I was supposed to leave for the airport, which put me behind schedule. I called for a cab, but it showed up 20 minutes late. The driver apologized and I said I hope you drive fast. He understood what I meant and he did the best he could considering the circumstances of 6:30pm rush hour traffic. He managed to get me to LAX by 7pm. I had about two hours to spare, but since I was on an international flight I needed to get to the airport early.

My client booked me on LAN Airlines. Nicky flew that airline to Chile for a work assignment a couple of years ago. My friend Shirley also flew LAN to South America in the past and she remarked how much better they were compared to AA, which I usually fly for trips to South America. I ran into a snag when I went to check in. I was greeted in Spanish, something that would be a slightly humorous considering I speak really bad Spanglish. It's because of my swarthiness that flight attendants assume that I'm South American.

Once I showed the lady at the counter my passport, she spoke to me in English. She wanted to take a peek at my carry-on bags. I showed her the wheelie and the backpack. She asked to weigh the wheelie. I obliged and she said it was too heavy.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" I said knowing that it was no more than 10-12 pounds.

"It's two pounds overweight. You can't carry it on otherwise you have to pay a $180 surcharge."

"Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

I didn't have a choice. I protested of course.

"Thumb through my passport. See all those stamps? I'm not a rookie, ma'am. I pride myself in being an expert traveler. This will fit in the overhead no problems. It's around 85% capacity. This is how bags get unnecessarily lost."

She reminded me that checked bags were free and that I was taking a direct flight to Lima, so the changes of a lost bag would be slim. I wasn't going to give up and offered to re-balance the load and take out two pounds from the carry on.

She grabbed an orange fluorescent tag that said "PRIORITY" and I knew exactly what she was doing. She was trying to sweeten the deal for me. Did she think that just because my bag had an orange tag that my bags would still arrive without any hassles?

I paused for about five seconds and made her sweat before I folded my hand. I knew that most customer service people at airlines hate their jobs as much as that hate passengers, so I took her gesture (checking my bag as priority) as something that she didn't have to do...but did it anyway. Alas, I checked my bag, but not turning on the charm and seeking out a free upgrade to business class. She said it would add another $2,000 to my ticket. I smiled, thanked her, and walked away.

Ah, before I left my bag, I removed a couple of things (er, pharmies and my hoodie) and stuffed them into my backpack. At that moment, I was officially traveling light.

I found my friends Shirley and Sos, who were both on my flight and flying to Lima for a few days before they joined me in Machu Picchu. Although security was slow and annoying, I didn't get stuck in a full body scanner, so I avoided a cock check. Of course, what's a trip without a delay? The flight was delayed at least 30 minutes. Awesome news considering that at that point, I had been up for over 36 hours with less than an hour of sleep.

I noticed that at least a hundred or so retired Japanese people were on the flight. They were obviously on their way to Machu Picchu as well. The entire back of the plane was filled with the Japanese tour, with the exception of myself, Shirley, and Sos. I joked that I felt like Manute Bol as the tallest person in the back towering over everyone else.

I freaked out for about fifteen seconds and wondered if the Japanese tour originated from Tokyo? How much radiation would they be spreading? I waited until takeoff and the lights to go out to see which ones were glowing in the dark -- they were obviously going to be the ones I avoided.

The light above me wasn't very good and it was bothering my eyes trying to read. I only got through about 60 pages before I gave up. When the flight attendant offered me a meal and drink, she launched into Spanish. I said, "Pollo y agua con gas."

After a crappy piece of rubber pollo and rice that was sticky enough to caulk your bathtub, I ate some pharmies and decided to watch movies. I had been wanting to see The Fighter and I wasn't let down aside from the part f-bomb were deleted so like 36% of the dialogue was bleeped out. Christian Bale is an amazing actor and he plays a crackhead to perfection. And all the girls who played Micky Ward's sisters freaked me out! I wouldn't want to walk down a dark alley and run into those tough broads.

I enjoyed the first movie but wasn't blown away with Paul Haggis' latest flick The Last Three Days. It starred Elizabeth Banks as a woman who gets thrown in prison for murder due to overwhelming evidence against her. Her husband, played by Russell Crowe, believes in his wife's innocence and plots her escape for three years. I'm sure I would have enjoyed it more if I actually was able to rip a few bonghits, but alas, I was about to be clean for at least a week, possibly more.

The flight to Peru was around 8+ hours so I really didn't have any time to try to sleep. Just when I was feeling my eyes get heavy, I fired up my iPod and hoped to drift off to sleep, but then the entire lights in the cabin came on and the flight attendants were wheeling out the carts for breakfast. I ate a second crappy meal and watched two flicks inside of 6 hours. Once breakfast was over, I finally drifted into sleep and napped for about 20-25 minutes before it was time to begin our descent. I had been up for over 2 full days at the point with just a couple of naps to keep me sane. Of course, I wouldn't be able to sleep for 18 hours! I set a new record of 66 hours with minimal sleep. I can do 24 hours without blinking and 30 is about average before I start to get loopy. I've hit 40+ a few times and I'm sure I might have done some sort of brain damage along the way depriving myself of so much sleep. Alas, this is what I do.

I'm working this assignment with my buddy Shamus, who flew in from North Carolina via Miami. He arrived a few hours early and hung out at the airport for me to arrive. I picked up my bag (it didn't get lost, but it didn't spit out first on the belt as I had hoped). Luckily Sos is fluent in Spanish, so he arranged a cab for us guaranteeing that we didn't get hosed and charged Gringo prices. It was $40 total or $10 a piece to take us to the hotel.

I rode shotgun and I forgot it was around 8:30 or so... the height of morning rush hour. I gazed out the window, giggling when I saw tracers as some of the road signs were blurry images of I dunno what. Everything was written in Spanish obviously. We almost sideswiped a bus and I noticed dozens and dozens of buses on the road were stopping every few blocks to pick up passengers standing along side the highway. The driver had turned up the radio and I sung along to the Ramones and the Police, before the driver switched stations after what seemed like a lengthy commercial break He tuned the dial until he got to a Lady GaGa song and I peered out of the corner of my eye and noticed that he turned up the volume and was tapping along with two fingers against the steering wheel. Ha, my Peruvian taxi driver was a Lady GaGa fan.

Once we got out of the congested highway, we headed along a road that resembled Pacific Coast Highway. The beach and water were on one side of the road, meanwhile massive, steep cliffs were on the other side with homes and condos built up on top. I also took note of all the soccer fields alongside the beach that were set at a 45% angle. I didn't see a single basketball hoop, but noticed tons of soccer set ups -- everything from a mini-stadium with walls, to lots of grassy half-fields with nets, and even a dozen or more concrete/blacktop soccer fields with nets on both ends of the concrete.

I saw a bunch of military guys in berets and combat boots from a distance. They stood on the side of the road, on the cliff side, and I noticed a huge crowd had gathered. My immediate reaction was -- workers were on a strike and the military police were there to keep things in order. As we got closer and the cab slowed down, I saw a film crew and thirty or so pedestrian rubberneckers. They were starring at a limp body curled up on the crowd.

"Two bodies," said the driver in English.

"Two?"

"They jumped."

I was dubious. Smelled like a hit to me -- maybe they got involved with the wrong guys and were tossed off the side of the cliff? Although I only saw one body, I was surprised that the cops did not cover up the carcass. Instead, a news camera guy stood over the body and filmed what appeared to be a close up.

About ten minutes later, the cab made its way up a winding path of cobblestones to reach the affluent Marifores section of Lima. I got put up on a hotel that was attached to a casino (but not the casino I was working) and it was odd to see three casinos within walking distance. I guess we were in the hip part of Lima?

Shamus and I tried to check in but our rooms were not ready. It was not even 10am. They told us to go eat the breakfast buffet before it closed. We wandered upstairs and I feasted on Peruvian bacon and pineapple juice. It sounded like two of my staples from LA. My colleague Rey from Coast Rica joined us and let us hang out in his room until our rooms were ready. My CrackBerry wasn't working for some odd reason and I needed to check up on some emails and let everyone know I made it to South America in one piece.

I finally got my room and if you've seen the video (posted below, or you can click here to view the video of my swanky duplex/loft), you know why I was more than pleased with the accommodations.

In fact, here's the view...


Luckily, I'm working one block away (just around the corner) and there's a 24-hour grocery store (Peru's version of Trader Joes). We have a fridge in our room so I picked up $20 worth of groceries -- half of which went to buy Peroni beer. I bought a freshly made empanada and made myself a ham & cheese sandwich.

Rey found out that I had been betting on soccer and he wanted to watch the game that I had bet on. Originally, we were going to watch the game in a dive bar, but Rey wanted to put in a bet at the sportsbook across the street inside the casino. We climbed a marble, circular staircase and walked into the cozy room on the second floor. A screen behind a young girl displayed a TV screen with baseball scores. Rey pointed out that the sportsbook was being run by an online sportsbook that we both knew about. I thought that was an interesting concept -- but made sense because the online book can post better up-to-date lines than a small casino in Peru. We watched the game in the sportsbook because we found an empty table. The room had one massive screen and like 8 smaller plasmas. Mostly everyone there was watching one of two soccer games. We had bet on Tottenham against Real Madrid. Brits vs. Spaniards. The damn Brits lost 1-nil on a gaffe from the goalie when he gave us his best Mr. Butterfingers impression and allowed what should have been a routine save. On a good note, we were served free drinks from a scantily-clad cocktail waitress. The beers were small and tasted like Bud drafts, but heck, they were free. She even gave Rey a free sandwich. I was surprised that a non-Vegas casino was being so generous (and in this struggling economic era, even Vegas casinos have been cutting back on freebies and comps) with their free booze.

After the game, we headed into the poker room to chat up with some colleagues and get the low down on when we had to show up for work the next day. We also needed to acquire valuable intel on the location of the PokerStars Welcome Party -- which is an open bar with tons of ceviche for three hours. Since I'm without herbal supplements, I'm definitely down for getting shitfaced! I expected to show up for work hungover everyday, which happens whenever I cover assignments in foreign countries, but in this instances, I was usually hanging out with Nicky and Otis, but both of them were working an assignment together in Connecticut.

I headed back to my room to write and relax. I couldn't get my TV to work...actually I couldn't get either TV to work...so I tried to stream the Yankees game via mlb.tv, but the internet wasn't fast enough. Alas, I just cranked up some John Coltrane and opened up my laptop and started writing and writing and writing until the doorbell rang and a very short looking dude in a red suite held a tray of chocolates. He offered me one as part of their courtesy turn down service. I declined the service (I don't need anyone to lift up the covers for me), but I snagged the chocolate. Two of them.

I got dressed and headed downstairs to catch a shuttle bus to the party at a restaurant in Miraflores adjacent to the Huaca Pucllana pyramid. The party was like most work functions -- a proverbial sausage fest of poker players with a few leggy models that were hired to greet us at the entrance. As soon as I stepped inside, a waiter rushed voer to me with a tray of drinks. I was offered my first Pisco Sour. Other waiters stopped by with trays of ceviche. I sampled it -- a few dishes stood out -- but I'm not biggest seafood guy in the world.


Sos arranged for us to get a tour of the pyramid for like $2 USD each. Our guide informed us that the area was nothing but a huge hill before excavation began in 1981. They found the pyramid which was constructed in 400 A.D., which makes it pre-Incan and part of the Wari culture. Our guide pointed out a spot where virgins were sacrificed to the ocean (Gods). She also mentioned that they ate shark meat frequently during these rituals -- because the shark was the warrior symbol of the ocean.

Check out a video I shot of the pyramid tour if you haven't done so already.

That brings you up to date with my first 15 hours in Peru.

Friday, April 01, 2011

Jack Tripper Stole My Dog: The Trailer

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Soon come.


For more information, visit the website www.jacktripperstolemydog.com.

To get the inside dope on the release date, follow @JackTripperBook on Twitter.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Extra Butter

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

I missed the food the most. Nothing beats a slice of New York City pizza. I was bummed out when I arrived home from the airport very late and missed a chance at eating a slice at the local pizza joint by my brother's apartment. They closed early on the weekdays -- at 11pm -- but I was pissed because it was not even Midnight and it was supposed to be New York City, you know, the city that never sleeps. Shit, I expected that weak-sauce crap to happen in L.A., when parts of the city shut down at 10pm.

Los Angeles is a weird place like that, shutting down early, considering it's such a big city. Good luck getting grub that late if you're hungry. 24-hour options in my neck of the woods are limited to Jack in the Box, or dealing with drunk hipsters at Canter's Deli, oh and if you're feeling really saucy you do L.A.'s version of running of the bulls, by surviving a meal surrounded by tweaking trannies at the infamous "Trannie IHOP" in WeHo. Nicky and Showcase dubbed it so a few years ago. They were brave enough to check it out a few times, late night, when the freaks roam the streets of West Hollywood, like some dystopian underworld that is right out of Larry Wachowski's dampest wet dream.

For the record, I've never been that adventurous or jonesin' for pancakes at 2am that I'd want to head to trannie IHOP. Now, if I knew there would be a better than 27.5% chance (better than 1 in 4) that I would see a potential riot among pissed off, drunken, pancake flinging trannies -- then I'd be there every fucking night hoping to score some high quality videos to post on YouTube. If any of those went viral, I could expand my Tao brand into a new field -- Tao of Trannie IHOP.

During my brief week in NYC, I spent a lot of time at the Greek diner in the old neighborhood grabbing breakfast sandwiches or a flame-broiled burger to go. The old Jewish guys sat in the back booth. They all bitched and moaned about a variety of sports-related subjects, mainly March Madness, the impact of the Melo trade to the Knicks, and the upcoming baseball season. Yeah, at the time it was hard to believe that Opening Day was a week away, yet it felt good to be in the Bronx and hearing life-long baseball fans kvetch about their teams chances this year.

I popped into the bagel store a couple of times. My local hood has two different bagel shops and this doesn't include the bakeries (three) and Starbucks, where you can also order a bagel. One of the bagel stores is located right across the street from my old Catholic grammar school.One morning after shrugging off the effects of a long day/night partying with my brother and watching/gambling/sweating March Madness games, I woke up foggy and groggy, waked-n-baked, then sauntered three blocks to the bagel store. About two-thirds of the way there, I realized I was retracing the same steps I took everyday for nine years (kindergarten thru 8th grade). It was sort of spooky and the flashback made me dizzy for a few steps. I realized that the majority of the stores on the block had changed, save for the Korean deli and the shoemaker, and the parking meters were no longer accepting coins and replaced by the "box" on the corner where you had to pre-pay for parking and place the slip on your dashboard to avoid tickets from the ticket Nazis that vigilantly patrolled that neck of Riverdale.

I dunno why the other bagel store in the hood (the one away from the school and next to the Greek diner) skimps on butter because it cost less than cream cheese. If you ask for cream cheese, they slop down a thick glob, but they barely butter half of a bagel. It's frustrating and even to this day, I have to boldly request extra butter to get any semblance of butter on a bagel. And every time, I'm met with the most disdain I have ever experienced from any service worker. It's as if I asked them to splice open their palm and drizzle an ounce of their own blood onto my Everything bagel.

For fuck's sake, stop being such a fucking pussy and load me up with some butter.

It's like the store owner whipped them in the back alley if they went over the butter rations for the day or something. Is my request too burdensome? All I want is butter, lots of it, so what's the problem with giving the customer what they wants?

Yeah, even though I haven't been home in a few months, something never change -- I'm also tilted by the bagel people.

The only other time I was tilted (not including my mother, which is implied tilt 24/7/365) during my trip to New York City happened when I attempted to cross Broadway at 86th street. I was headed to the bank to deposit a couple of paychecks. I had a a green light and attempted to cross the first half of Broadway, for non-New Yorkers, Broadway is six lanes wide (not including a lane of parked cars on either side) and divided by a small island in the middle of the historic avenue, with three lanes of traffic flanking each side. I walked East on 86th Street and passed through two of the three lanes when a white BMW with Florida plates drove West and attempted to make a left hand turn south on Broadway, and in doing so, she was on a trajectory to strike me. I was a few seconds ahead of a potential collision and had to think quick. In Los Angeles, cars actually stop cold for pedestrians because you can get a ticket for not allowing a pedestrian to cross the street. Even though that law doesn't exist in New York City, everyone is civil enough to let the pedestrian complete the route and reach the pedestrian island safely beofre they make the turn. Alas, I'm glad I noticed the distinct Florida license plate because the female driving was going a little too fast and I anticipated that the out-of-towner wouldn't slow down, so I sprinted through the final lane onto the pedestrian island, like a baseball player trying to leg out an infield hit. The Florida twat had the audacity to honk at me when I had the right of way and she reckless turned into the flow of pedestrian traffic.

I flipped her off and let the words, "Fuck you twat!" roll off my tongue like they were heat-seeking surface-to-air missiles.

BMW lady could have killed someone. What if an old lady was walking? She would have been toast. Leave it to an out-o- town driver to cause havoc on the Upper West Side.

I rode the subways and forgot how much easier it is to get around a vast metropolis, and it made me curse the sprawl of Los Angeles and reminded me that I'm less mobile in LA because it's a pain in the ass to fight traffic and deal with parking. But in NYC, I'm cover more ground and much more active because of the all mighty subway system. Plus it encourages inebriation because I don't have to be sober to operate a motor vehicle, so I can rip bingers before I hop on the train or nibble on a sliver of oxy before I head out to a museum.

I also experienced the benefits of the Kindle app on my CrackBerry. I read a collection of short stories (blah) and started an anthology of contemporary music writing (hit or miss, but when it hit, I was floored). I wondered if I would ever sink as low to buy a Kindle and be one of those people on the subway. At the moment, the CrackBerry app was appropriate. I dunno if I could endure an entire book or novel on the small CrackNerry screen, which is why short stories were perfect because I'd read a story or two per trip.

On my way back to LA, I took two subways to get to the AirTrain which eventually led me to JFK. I was delayed 20 minutes because I had gotten on the wrong train, actually it was the correct line, but it was heading to a different destination, so I had to get out and wait for the right one. Security line was light for JFK airport, which made up for my lost time on the subway. But that didn't matter, because our plane arrived a few minutes late and the "security check" of the plane was taking longer than usual. As a result, we were delayed almost thirty minutes. That's when I dug into a book by Warren Ellis that I started to read a few years ago, but never finished reading because I lost interest after the first 20 pages. At the time, the book received a lot of hype from friends so I really wanted to love it, but it turns out that the more people rave about something, the less I enjoy it because I allow those expectations to taint my experience. I can cite a dozen or so films and books in the last decade that fell into that category, which is why I try my hardest not to hype up something that I recommend to a friend.

Anyway, I allowed a few years to pass and I totally forgot about the Warren Ellis book until I saw it in a box in my old bedroom in the Bronx. I picked it up and decided to give it a second shot, mainly because of it's compact size -- much smaller in height and width than the average paperback. Since I was traveling light, it was the perfect size and page length. I began re-reading the first 20 pages at the gate while I waited for the delayed flight to finally board. I forgot all of my previous disdain for the book. I guess that I was in a better head space, or just in a better mood to read Ellis' prose.

My flight boarded later than everyone wanted and I lost airplane bingo and got stuck two rows in front of a wailing demon baby and right behind five rows filled with spoiled teenagers from Santa Barbara who were on some sort of class trip to NYC. A few of the girls were jailbait potential, but they were too annoying for me to drool over them. They were so fucking slow to get settled into their seats and wanting to switch back and forth playing musical chairs that the (very flaming) flight attendant got snippy and surly and called out the highschoolers over the PA. They eventually settled down, the plane doors were closed, and the plane finally pulled away from the gate. The baby screeched at the top of its lungs, sort of like a war cry before trying to bayonet your enemy on the pocked battlefields of WWI. I ate some Xanax and dove into Ellis' book while the plane sat on the tarmac for thirty minutes caught in the height of JFK rush hour of 7pm.

I finished the book somewhere over Colorado, and yes, I'm bragging that I killed two books on cross-country Jetlue flights... The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics, and Religion by Matt Tabbai and Crooked Little Vein by Warren Ellis. Highly recommend both as airplane books.

I spent the last couple of hours of my flight in a faded glaze, watching a reality show about haunted animals on Animal Planet before my plane finally landed in California. I never wanted to get off the plane faster, but the high school kids were lagging, once again and I was ready to hipcheck a few out of the way and make my way off the plane.

I rushed outside and waited for Nicky to circle around the LAX complex and pick me up at the curb. The warmth of the SoCal evening was much more welcomed than the wintry mix that greeted me when I stepped outside JFK airport a week earlier.

Friday, March 11, 2011

5am Rum, Aliens Invade Santa Monica, and Wake of the Flood

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

5:10am. I'm drinking rum. Not sipping. Drinking. Semi-heavily in the eerily silent City of Angels. The only external sounds are the rumblings of a garbage truck a few blocks over. By the time the truck reaches my street, the tsunami waves should be reaching the shores of Hawaii. That's one of the reasons I'm sitting here at this hour and consuming rum like it's happy hour in the Bahamas. The same waves should reach the golden shores of California around 8:30am. The morning rush hour. I know some deviant fuckers are going to try to catch some gnarly waves, but a curious part of me wants to drive down to the beach and wait to see... what happens.

Nicky is up as well, very rare for her a this 5am hour, but she's been sucked into the drama. She grew up in California and survived the Northridge jolt, so quakes are indigenous for her. Right now, she's playing online poker, self-medicating with a strain called "Charlie Sheen" (no bullshit), while constantly flipping back and forth between different online news sites and Twitter. I rarely watch the alphabet news networks on TV, heck I've watched more Al Jazeera in 2011 than ever before, along with Russia Today and the BBC, so I have no desire to watch CNN or Fox. If I want to watch puppets, I'll turn on The Muppet Show.

Mahnanana.

A devastating 8.9 earthquake rocked Japan around 11pm Thursday night -- just as I was ready to head out to see the premiere of Battle: Los Angeles for a Midnight showing at Century City. The movie was Independence Day meets Cloverfield but with M-Rod and a cameo from a Tom Brady's baby's momma. At midnight, the theatre was almost packed. We had assigned seats, which I selected when I bought the tickets online. The theatre was filled with a lot of sci-fi geeks, stoners, and high school kids. Nicky wanted to see it because she 1) loves disaster movies, and 2) loves to see L.A. blown up on the bog screen. I nibbled on a little sliver, had a couple of cocktails, and was ready to escape into the fantasy world of Hollywood and watch aliens invade Santa Monica, meanwhile on the other side of the world, in the real fucking world, Japan is under siege from the worst earthquake that they've ever experienced (and the 5th strongest recorded since 1900). Yeah, as aliens stormed the beaches of Santa Monica, the same beach was expected to absorb the last remnants of the tsunami. I doubt the waves are anything more than a couple of feet, but expect the local news to go ape shit over it and have the alphabet news networks drooling over the change to get viewers to tune in.


Once we returned to the slums of Beverly Hills around 2:10am, I turned on our TV. The ensuing Tsunami post-quake was a good enough reason to watch cable news, especially since the entire West Coast the US was under a warning/watch/advisory. I'm a sucker for disaster porn (ahem, Tao of Fear), but I had to turn off the sound but welcomed the images. Instead, I have Al Jazeera's live feed (in English) running while I sit here and quickly ramble away before it's time to mix another pineapple juice and rum concoction and I lose all enthusiasm to write.

The last time a big earthquake hit -- the 8.8 terramoto in Chile -- Nicky and I were in Punta del Este, Uruguay on a work assignment. We actually slept through the earthquake. A few hours after it struck Chile, I stumbled into the tiny cafe area of our hotel and joined my colleagues (Serge from Sao Paolo and Rey from Costa Rica) for breakfast before we went to work. I was hung over to all hell and ate a croissant while the earthquake dominated the conversation. The next morning before breakfast, Rey knocked on my door to tell me to put on a local TV station. There were riots in Concepcion, well more food-inspired looting than actual riots. People were hungry so they broke into a grocery store and the shelves were plundered by thugs and starving people. When Nicky saw all that mayhem, it kinda freaked her out because there's always that looming fear of "The Big One" will strike L.A. and California will sink into the ocean. She thinks we can survive a bad quake, but that was the first time she saw the fall out -- chaos and anarchy. At that point Nicky finally acquiesced to my interest in owning a Mossberg.

Flash forward to now. Nicky flipped the channels and shrieked, "Oh my God, is that Geraldo Rivera?"

Um, yeah...it was. He was one of the talking heads chiming in about the tsunami reaching Hawaii (I dunno if he was actually in Hawaii), but as I blurted out to Nicky, "If Geraldo is involved, then you know NOTHING is going to happen in Hawaii. Just like Al Capone's empty vault."

Well the one good thing about the tsunami is that it completely erased Charlie Sheen from the news cycle. By the way, as we're on the verge of entering into the Libya dispute for the third war (or military intervention) since the inception of American Idol, that's nothing compared to the Middle East tsunami that's going to hit shortly. With police in Saudi Arabia currently shooting protesters, and much larger and organized protests planned in the forth coming weeks. Saudi Arabia is home to Mecca and one of the largest oil fields in the world. But I'll save that rant for an upcoming post on Tao of Fear.

For now, I'm glued to AJ online and flipping back and forth between the different news stations. I'm on pace to be completely shitfaced when the waves reach California. Then I can call my mother to let her know that I'm alive and survived the tsunami, so she'll stop pestering me, and I can pass out because at that point, I would have been up for almost 28 hours.