Giant Fucking Robots

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Pacific Rim is going to make a billion dollars.

"It's hot outside. I think I'm gonna smoke some dope or pop some pills and watch GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS!"

That's America talking. Not me. Every pothead from Maine to Oregon to Florida to Arizona will eventually get so fucking bored out of their minds (the result over over-stimulation and 35,000 cable channels, multiple movie streaming services, torrents, and YouTube) that they'll finally give in to temptation and go see Pacific Rim.

Giant fucking robots.

This film by Guillermo Del Torro is why drugs were made. Enhancing the theatre experience. Get fried to the tits and watch San Francisco get destroyed while giant robots fight giant monsters. It will be a battle for the ages. It will be brash, abhorrent, cheesy, and over-indulgent violence with tons of shit blowing up. Pacific Rim is the prefect representation of America in 2013.

I can't wait to fucking see it.

I have a fetish for bad films. I love Michael Bay for this specific reason. For every Woody Allen film I adore, there's a cheesed-out flick with tons of shit blowing up. I'm a bookworm and don't normally watch a lot of TV, so every once in a while, I want to see a bunch of shit exploding. It's pop culture junk food. Mindless entertainment so I can space out for 90 minutes without worrying about dialogue, structure, and third act denouements.

But giant fucking robots? This is what America has been waiting for. This summer has been a fucking wake-up sign to major studios in Hollywood. Three big films with three huge stars tanked. If those actors can't pull in audience, what will?

Fast cars and giant fucking robots.

The Evil Rat took a bath on The Lone Ranger. Anyone younger than me doesn't know who the fuck the Lone Ranger is. That's why no one went to see the flick. Who the fuck cares? Why the hell would The Evil Rat wanted to re-boot a franchise that saw its glory days in the 50s? They should have done a modern adaptation and incorporate the drug war and Mexican cartels. But Johnny Depp made a deal with the devil which is why he never ages, but his kitsch has hit the wall. His depiction of Tonto isn't exactly flattering, but he hasn't been able to shake Hunter Thompson after playing him in Fear and Loathing. Seems like every character since then from Jack Sparrow to Tonto has had shades of Hunter with a sprinkling of Keith Richards. It was funny and clever the first time in Pirates of the Caribbean, but after a while it gets old. The Evil Rat must have printed a trillion dollars with that franchise, but they couldn't get The Lone Ranger off the ground. At least they didn't bother trying to tell a sci-fi story that's thinly veiled about Tom Cruise's cult, or try to pull off "Die Hard at the White House."

But, giant fucking robots? That's genius. Robots fighting monsters. This is something that a four year old would make up in a stick figure drawing. Hollywood fucking loves high concept films that are derived from the innocence and imagination and simplicity of a child.

Giant fucking robots fighting giant fucking monster. Shit, let's make 3 films and print $3 billion! The suits at Warner Brothers are walking around with erections so stiff they have to consult a physician.

At some point in the next week, I am going to get baked to the gourd and see giant fucking robots. It will be loud, obnoxious, cheesy, and cliche-ridden... and represent everything I loathe about the motion picture industry... but sometimes, you gotta go with the flow.

If you can't beat them, join them. Here you go, Mr. Warner brothers... take my $13 bucks.

Giant. Fucking. Robots.