Friday, March 10, 2006

Charles Star at Mo Pitkin's

If you are in NYC on Sunday, you should go see Ugarte's biggest gig of his life. Here are the details.


Charles Star (aka Ugarte) is a former attorney who quit his corporate gig and decided to pursue his life long dream of being in Michael Flatley's Riverdance. Despite all his valiant efforts to line-jig dance, he simply wasn't Irish enough to make the cast. Dejected, he turned to heroin and robbing check cashing places in Brownsville. After a short tint in rehab and a lost weekend hanging out with Scientologists, Charles Star discovered stand up comedy. Now he's living the dream. So stop by and support a fellow poker blogger in his quest to make people laugh. And yeah, Ugarte was the guy who got me invited to the Blue Parrot for the first time. He's a part of NYC poker blogging lore.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Last California Thought

I'm sitting at one of the gates at tiny Long Beach airport, ready to board my JetBlue flight back to New York City. There's a buxom blonde sitting across from me with breasts the size of a watermelon. I'm pretty sure she's a porn star or a stripper. I keep looking up and admiring her melons while I checked my email. I got caught twice already. Three strikes and I'm out. Chances of her actually sitting next to me are slim.

I got stoned with Showcase and Change100 this morning. Last LA wake and bake. They had to tidy up because the maid was coming over. $40 for a clean apartment. Not too shabby. I wonder if she has sticky fingers?

We ate breakfast at Nick's Coffee Shop before I left for the airport. Halfway through my French Toast, four slices of bacon, and hash browns with cheddar cheese... in walked Rebecca DeMornay. She's super sassy. I use to wank off to her tits when I was in high school.

And in college.

And three and a half months ago.

It's a cloudy day in Southern California and it looks like rain is ready to fall. Upon my return to NYC, I need to go to rehab for a week or so and sleep for another week. This is the first time in over a year plus that I did absoultely nothing and enjoyed every second of it. After ten straight days of work, I went on one wicked bender. I'm still standing barely and escaped with just a jaywalking ticket. My poker bankroll is intact (I actually added to it) and my credit card didn't take too bad of a hit considering I extended my LA trip by 9 days.

I'll be in NYC for less than two weeks before I hit the road again for six weeks. Four of which will be in Las Vegas and I'll try to spend two more in LA. If I don't finish my book in two weeks, I'm fucked.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

The Moral Seems Obscure

"Oh my God, I can't feel my lips," Nicky screamed as we drove past the Laurel Canyon Country Store. "That's some awesome blow."

Good thing she drove up through the hills as the Beck blasted on her iPod. We safely navigated windy Mulholland Drive and drove over to Lake Hollywood. Yeah there's an actual lake in LA, the one that was featured in the film Chinatown.

As we drove close to the infamous Hollywood sign landmark, an old hippie woman hitch hiked as she struggled up the hill.

"Gonna stop?" I said.

I goaded Nicky into picking up the sketchy woman who stuck out her thumb out. She wore a purple dress and had on too much Native American jewelry.

"Hell no. She'd probably carjack us and smoke all our weed."

* * * * *

I woke up early despite a previous night of heavy partying. This town is always crawling with people who have nothing better to do other than to get completely fucked up. Even the ones that have 9-5 jobs live in the moment and stay up until sunrise. Change100 had to be at jury duty by 7:30am. After a wake and bake session with Showcase, he headed off to work. I watched the rest of Dawson's Creek and I wrote for a while. Nothing in particular, just clearing my mind about a few things on the cusp of the completion of my extended trip to LA.

I played some poker and won a few bucks. I had been playing random tournaments, something I had not been doing in a long time. During the tournament, I listened to Wil's podcast Radio Free Burrito as I downloaded the rest of a Phil Lesh and Friends show from New York City that featured Trey Anasastio. Anyway, it was a nice change of pace. I read several online newspaper articles that friends had sent me on various topics ranging from Barry Bonds, Dick Cheney, and Iran.

The funniest link I came across was called The Brokeback Butterfly Effect and involved the recent rumors of a fix at the Oscars after Crash came out of nowhere to win Best Picture. I would love to say that I had inside information and that's why I picked Crash to win. In reality, I went with a hunch knowing that writer/director Paul Haggis is a Scientologist. Although Hollyweird is tickled pink with gay being the new chic, the Scientologists still run this town... at least major parts of it.

For all you Phisheads, I got goose bumps watching Phish's 20th Anniversary video. I remember watching that video at the Fleet Center in Boston. Warm memories for sure. Thanks for the link Alea.

On my way to brunch, I spoke to my brother and that conversation got cut short when one of my editors called. He wanted me to have an article written by Friday. I asked him for a Monday extention on my deadline. He quickly gave it to me, noting that it was going to be the feature article. I've written several pieces for this particular magazine over the last six months, but I never got the lead story. I noticed that my articles were slowly moving to the front of the magazine. My first one was the next to last thing in the magazine. And as the issues came out, I slowly made my way to the middle of the magazine. Getting the cover story is my next goal. This article that I have yet to write has a shot of getting there. I'm in the middle of research.

I sat at the counter of Nick's Coffee shop in the back, right in front of the TV. They had on ESPN2 and the World Baseball Championships. I watched Panama take on Cuba. I had money on Panama and was hoping to send them good mojo. They got out to an early 1-0 lead as I sipped my iced tea and skimmed the LA Times which ran two stories rubbing Barry Bonds bald and juiced head into the dirt. You can't help but think if Bonds was a nicer dude to the media and gave interviews and bought everyone free drinks, blow, and hookers for the beat writers... then perhaps they would have left the skeletons in his closet alone. Nobody likes an asshole and people loathe cheaters. Add the two together and you have a huge motherfuckin' pimple on the face of major league baseball that's the size of a bowling ball. As soon as someone pops it, everyone's faces are gonna be covered is pus. They're totally fucked.

Showcase works nearby and came home for lunch and turned on Jerry Springer. We're fixin to go see his play tonight, so I'm bubbling with excitement. He practiced his lines out loud all the time. At this point, I know them by heart. His play is being produced by a freaky Japanese woman who funded the play by selling weed on the side. The more weed that gets smoked, the more plays that this lady can put on. Yeah, only in LA. You gotta appreciate her artistic entrenpeneurship and willingness to contribute to theatre community by generating income from all the stoners in West Hollywood, which pretty much accounts for 91.3% of its residents.

* * * * *

Yesterday, Change100 and I met Joe Speaker and special guest Facty for lunch. Facty was sweet (as always) and brought us girl scout cookies courtesy of her daughter's troop. Joe Speaker took us to his favorite Cuban restaurant tucked away in a lobby of a building a few blocks from the LA Times building. I ordered the chicken mojito that came with Cuban bread, black beans, white rice, grilled onions, and fried plantains. Tasty.

Facty thought she parked in a free lot. When we got back from lunch the gate was closed with her car locked in. She started to freak out a little bit before we walked closer to the gate to inspect. Lucky for her, the minimum wage flunky forgot to lock the gate and it slid right open.

After lunch, the Human Head sent me a text message:
Haiku of a Depressed Employee

That fuckface Pauly,
Basking in the LA sun.
Donkey Paradise.

View from the Hollywood Hills
(click to enlarge)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

L.A. Droppings

Here are fragments of sentences and stories that have not yet found it's way onto my blog. For example, I never wrote about a lost Friday night a couple of weekends ago. Change100 and I ate at some family Italian joint in Westwood called Anna's and I parked in front of Junior's which is the left coast version of Junior's in Brooklyn, famous for their cheesecakes. It smelled delicious. Anna's food was pretty good. I liked the sauce.

We met Joe Speaker and his Cousin Matt at a bar called 14 Below in Santa Monica. It was a dive bar that featured bands. It smelled like spilled beer and patchouli. We would miss Leo Nocentilli by a day and the week before Tea Green Leaf played there, and they are a very good band. Despite the trashiness of 14 Below, they booked solid bands from time to time. Most of the trendoids in the joint were there to see Supercreep at Midnight. We had to sit through two terrible bands before them and sat at the bar drinking heavily and watched Joe Speaker teeter from bouts of self-loathing and sheer excitement that he was out in a bar in LA and only steps away from sexually lascivious sixteen year olds.

Change100 went to college with the singer in the first band. She broke into a horrible cover of AC/DC's Shook You All Night Long. The second band was awful. Their lead singer wore a pink cowboy hat and was at least 45 years old. She looked like Roseanne Barr on trucker's speed and wore spandex pants. They were an 1980s cover band. They kept playing random songs from Journey. After each song ended, I'd scream, "Play more Journey!"

The Irish bartender was not amused with my cat calls.

"Please don't encourage them."

Even he had enough of their awful renditions of Journey songs. They played two U2 covers too. Joe Speaker was piss drunk and would shout out curses towards his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"She's a fucking liar!" he shrieked at one point drowning out the melodies of the Journey cover band.

The place had a decent amount of female talent. There's always a small percentage of jaw-dropping hotness in the women that populate LA. Joe Speaker was enamored by one woman sitting at the end of the bar. She looked like Jennifer Connelly and I had to walk up over to her to make sure it wasn't. The rest of the bar was packed with an interesting mix of music industry hipster types and pothead friends of the bands that were playing. One fucktard wore a plaid blazer, designer jeans, and a pair of $400 aviator sunglasses inside while he sipped on a vodka and Redbull. I wanted to punch him out on principle alone.

Change100 and I swapped turns all night long hitting up the bathroom for a toot or two as we fought through the crowd to get to the bathroom. I was too drunk to drive home, so Change100 took the wheel after we waited ten minutes for valet to bring us the car. I wanted to get donuts on our drive back to Beverly Hills. She never stopped. Boooooooooo!

* * * * *

I wrote all afternoon yesterday on a rare rainy day in LA. Nicky and I took forever to decide on what to eat for lunch. We ended up at Swingers, a diner/coffee shop where I ordered chili cheese fries and a grilled chicken sandwich with cheese, bacon & avocado. Nicky ordered the jerk chicken omelet and a coffee. The waitresses that work at Swingers are kinda slutty and wear leather mini skirts and fishnet stockings.

Last week Nicky took me to Kings Road Cafe for brunch. Most of the places you'd eat lunch in LA are super crowded and not by people on their lunch hour. Instead, lunches are populated with LA slackers, trophy wives, out of work actors, and troubled writers. Those are the people who are actually free to sit out on the sidewalk and bullshit about nothing for two hours as they get served overpriced food and semi-decent coffee.

A woman sat down next to us at Kings Road and she looked like Diane Lane. In Hollyweird, you have to check twice because that person who looks like some famous more often than not is someone famous. That instance, it wasn't her. Diane Lane never would had carried around a fake Hermes handbag. After a closer examination of the stitching, Nicky determined it was a fake Hermes. The real deal goes for $8K. The Diane Lane look-a-like sipped on passion fruit iced tea and kept a close watch on her fake designer bag.

The meals I've been eating in LA have not been substantial. Even all that sushi last weekend wasn't filling. The most hearty meal was the big pasta dish that Change100 made for the Oscars. I've been craving a big meal. They are hard to come by out here. A bagel, a slice of good pizza. Anything.

* * * * *

Last 5 Flicks I Watched:
1. The 40 Year Old Virgin
2. Capote
3. Bittersweet Motel
4. Crash
5. The Big Lebowski
5 Random L.A. Pics

I took these last week during a trip to Zuma Beach in Malibu and up to the Bluffs in Pacific Palisades. They could all be postcards. A few friends have already used one or two as their desktop pic. Feel free to snag them. Click on the photos to enlarge then right click on the image and save as wallpaper.


Sunset at Zuma Beach


More Zuma... this is my new desktop theme


A view from the Bluffs


On the road to Malibu


On the beach at Zuma

Monday, March 06, 2006

Real Life Simpsons

Thanks to Raymi who linked this up today!
Real Life Simpsons Intro
Insanely kick ass video! And it's one of the coolest things I've seen on the net in a very long time. It definitely beats out Chilean Schoolgirls. Which happens to be my second favorite video that I've seen in a very long time.