Tao of Pauly

Gay Dinosaurs

One of my favorite jokes is "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?"

"Lickalotapus."

I'm doing my ten minute blog thing again where I only give myself ten minutes to describe the events of yesterday.

Museums. I got stuck taking little kids to a museum yesterday. It's all Briana's fault. She actually volunteered to babysit her cousin's two bratty, spoiled, white-bread, Greenwich Connecticut offspring of NYC's uppercrust. They weren't that bad in the snobbery area. And for the record, I don't hate kids. I like them in short spurts. Give these kids a few more years. Then they'll be blue-blooded monsters.

Briana told her cousin that she'd watch the kids while she had lunch with some old high school gals. It was her random act of kindness. Everyone in her family was shocked at her generosity. It's funny, I actually knew Briana's cousin before I ever met Briana. We're the same age and we're about 7 years older than Briana. I was dating one girl who went to the same all-girls snooty prep school as Briana's cousin, only a few blocks from my high school. Last year when I saw her for the first time in over a decade, Briana's cousin reminded me that she used to go to my basketball games. Weird isn't it? She was friends with some of my girlfriend's friends and as luck would have had it, we had a gaggle of plaid skirted Upper East side girls in the stands watching me do my best Rex Chapman imitation. We were both #3 you know.

Kids have short attention spans. Even shorter than mine. These kids were like 4 and 6 years old and called Briana... "Auntie Briana." I had the duty of answering museum related questions. I realized after the first few that the kids lost interest about four or five seconds into my long-winded answer. Most of the time, I was bluffing them anyway.

"What the largest dinosaur?"

"Either the Bruhathkayosaurus or the Seismosaurus. Although many argue that Argentinosaurus is the largest to ever walk the Earth," I said.

"What did you get for Christmas?"

"Socks. And a DVD called Chasing Amy."

"What's Chasing Amy?"

"It's a Kevin Smith movie about a guy falling in love with a lesbian."

"What's a lesbian?"

"Something Auntie Briana was during college."

All in all it was an OK time. When the kids got restless, it sucked. Briana did a remarkable job with them. I was pleasantly surprised. She has some maternal instincts in her and talks to kids in a firm, yet non-condescending manner. I can just imagine what the little ones told their mother what they did all afternoon.

"Pauly told us that we live in a dark and Godless universe and that Auntie Briana is a lesh-beans."