Stuck in a Spin
I have not posted in almost a week. That has never happened here. The Tao is the way. And right now, the way is a dark and dismal place.
What the fuck happened?
I'm caught in a heavy spin right now. The dark side of Las Vegas has driven me insane again. An incident late last night set me off. I played in a poker tournament at the Sahara with my brother. I got my pocket aces cracked by a hand where I was a 3-1 favorite. That happens. It's poker. And I cover poker for a living now, so I know that it happens all the time. Instead of just going with the flow and accepting that "bad beats happen in life" I allowed all that negativity to bombard me.
It's only been a week since we buried my grandmother. In that short span of time I've been on a rollercaoster of emotion. The last few days has seen a few people in my life flip out on me. Some of it is deserved but I'm not in the headspace to just move on. The bad vibes and emotions are festering and gnawing at my insides like a cancerous rhinoceros.
I should be feeling super happy. I had a 4 day fun-filled party with some of my best friends who flew into Las Vegas from all over the country. I also met some people that I've been dying to meet for up to two years. So what happened?
The party is over and I'm hungover on life. Somedays you just want to curl up into a little ball and die.
The pressures of work are overwhelming sometimes. The entire weight of the entire poker blogging community and parts of the real poker community are always on my shoulders. That's too much weight for me to bare.
I'm not just burnt out. I'm dead tired. And I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a heavy spin and I'm just waiting to crash. Physically and mentally.
I've been spending the last few days with my brother and a few friends trying to ignore all these feelings. I've done a terrible job at work. I'm supposed to be at the Bellagio covering a poker tournament and I'm doing the worst job I've ever done. I simply don't care anymore. I've lost the passion to write and the enjoyment of covering poker tournaments has disappeared. I don't even want to escape from my reality into a heavy drug binge.
I've been avoiding posting here because I have too much pride to let my friends see me have a mental breakdown on my blog.
It's too late. I miss my grandmother terribly. I've lost $3K since Halloween. I'd like to cry but I'm too tired for tears. A friend of mine said she'd give me lots of hugs if she was here now. But even the warmth of her skin is not enough to pull me out of this spin.
I have to find the courage and get my shit together myself.
It's 9:30am in Las Vegas and I'm peeking into the dark abyss of humanity.
I keep staring at this picture and it's been soothing.