Tao of Pauly

The OC Updates

OK, we're almost into the fourth episode of The OC and I haven't said one word about it. I've been busy... but I haven't missed an episode. Yes, I watched the season premiere in Rhode Island at Senor's and I'm pumped for tonight's show. Just in case you haven't been keeping up... or if this is the firsttime you are reading my blog... I'm addicted to The OC. I have a special weakness for donuts, poker, blondes, and poorly scripted prime time soap operas. Fuck reality shows and Gilligan's Island. Give me Summer anyday of the week and I'm a happy camper. Over a decade ago, we used to have parties in my fraternity house and everyone would be drinking beers, inhaling gravity bongs, and watching two hours of mayhem... 90210 > Melrose Place. Those were the days, huh?

Episode One: The Distance

The Cohen house is packed full of topless construction workers while Kirsten is renovating the house. She's been maintaining a cold relationship with her husband Sandy, who she's tired of how he's handling Seth's insistence on staying away from home. The tension in the room is thick enough to spread on Sandy's bagel.

The azure blue of the California sky matches the azure blue of the pool at the palatial Nichols mansion. A sizzling, well tanned Summer and a hyper anorexic Marissa (back on the sauce) are lounging around the pool making eyes at the sexy pool boy DJ. I like calling him Paco the Pool Boy and from here on out we'll refer to him as such. What we don't know is that Marissa and Paco the pool boy have been tickling each other's genitals for some time. The subtle glances give it away. Summer is still furious with Seth who left everyone and she moved onto a cute guy named Zach. Lucky fucker is the rebound guy! I'd give up poker and my left nut to be the rebound guy! Meanwhile, Ryan is busying humping a shitty construction job while his knocked up girlfriend is waffling back and forth between various levels of psycho-bitch. One second she's peeling oranges for him and the next she's convinced that Marissa is trying to get Ryan back. The poor idiot has one of those "How the fuck did I get here?" looks on his face.

And how about Julie and Caleb? He's fucked and will most likely be going to jail, while the ever materialistic, superficial trophy wife Julie is a clueless wench. How about Jimmy Cooper? He's been banging Hailey all summer on his yacht and looks more like a skeevy meth addict than a multi-millionare.

Sandy decides that only Ryan can get Seth to come home to Orange County. He hooks him up with a plane ticket and more drama ensues. After a late night hang up phone call, Theresa's suspicions are heightened. Ryan once again is in the middle of a tough decision. Where do his loyalties lie? His knocked up girlfriend from Chino or the richest idiots in The OC?

Sandy ended up flying to Portland to find Seth. He hates Newport despite he's been killing his mother in the process. She's been worried sick. The entire crux of the show could be summed up in one line by Seth: “You can't spend my entire life telling me every thing that's wrong with Newport and just expect that I'm going to go back.” Sandy knows he's right. They get stoned and fuck abunch of hookers. Naw, just kidding. That's what they would have done in real life.

Julie Cooper storms over to the poolside area where Marissa is basking in the sun listening to her shiny new iPod while she's three sheets to the wind. The two were supposed to go to an afternoon of “CardioBar,” and now they're late. Julie grills her daughter and she flips out, starts screaming like a wounded monkey, and begins tossing around pool furniture into the pool and freaks out in a way that would make an overwrought Sylvia Plath look like a placid Martha Stewart.

Summer goes back to the Cohens and drops of fall of Seth's stuff that she accumulated during their dating stint. You know it's officially over when you have the final exchange of personal stuff She dumps it on his bed. She was wearing these sexy little shorts. Man oh man.

Ryan shows up in Portland and the guys bond over videogames and junk food. Then Theresa called and gave him some bullshit story that she had a miscarriage. She was lying (didn't I see that happen in Fools Rush In?). Ryan's a poor poker player. He missed that obvious bluff... but he didn't care. Why should he? She gave him a free trip outta the hood. As far as he knew, he was not going to be a father so he could go back to The OC and live in luxury and hang out with hipsters and trust fund nimrods. Seth and Ryan decide to go back to the OC! I knew it was coming since it was 8:55 pm. By the way... Theresa fucked up. If you thought he was not happy working a shitty job to support her knocked up ass, wait until he finds out she lied about the miscarriage and kept his kid!

Episode Two: Way We Were

OK, the first synopsis went way to long. I'll try to be more succinct. Ryan and Seth don't want to go to school. They want to avoid the chicks. And see them The reunions are awkward. Summer is still wet for Seth but she's still pissed. And Marsisa has to figure out how to dump Paco the Pool Boy to get it back on with Ryan. Caleb gets drunk because he's going to jail. Sandy tries to help like always. He has to give the bad news to Kirsten that she might be going down with Caleb. In other news, Hailey has a gig on another show so that was her last stint on The OC. She bails for Maui, er Tokyo for a modeling job and poor Jimmy is left without a lady friend.

To quote BG, it looks like Ryan has all of a sudden turned into the kid from Good Will Hunting. He's the bad boy, but wicked smahhhhh-t! He could get a scholarship to college if he works hard enough. And now he's a geek too, after he joined the Comic Book club with Seth.

We officially find out that Marissa and Paco the Pool Boy have been knocking boots. She's so dirty. Poor Ryan. He's stuck in the middle of a love triangle with two crazy girls. One is a spoiled rich girl who's a raging bipolar drunk, and the other is a jealous, manipulative, insecure bitch who's hiding her pregnancy from him.

Once again, Marissa is drinking (this time in school, spiking her latte). She ends up sweating Ryan about his ex-psycho bitch. They kiss in full view of Paco the Pool Boy. Cue dramatic music. Paco confronts her and she flips out again. And then they start hooking up. This girl cannot be trusted. I wish I had her cell phone number.

Ryan stops by Summer's house. She's wearing skimpy clothing while doing yoga. Oohhh la la. I watched that scene 14 times. Anyway, Ryan is there to apologize for driving Seth away from her. She blows him off.

Ryan ended up seeing that moment with Paco and Marissa and when Ryan confronted her, she got caught up in a lie and came off bad. Ryan looked like he had enough of the psycho-girl babble and walked away. Seth acts like an idiot and tries to get Summer back and it backfires. Girls hate guys who pay too much attention to them. Treat them like shit and they won't stop calling you. When are nice guys going to learn?

Oh, and like clockwork the episode ends with Caleb getting arrested by the pigs.

Episode 3: The New Kids on the Block

Seth realizes that he's self centered and is destined to change that obvious character flaw. Caleb has to decide who to put in charge of his empire; his highstrung daughter Kirsten or his ditzy wife, Julie. By the way, an awful hipster band called The Walkmen performed and it ruined the episode. Kids today are wasting their money on crapola! Just because they are on The OC doesn't make them good. Anyway, Seth knows there's going to be a Walkmen concert and decides to get Summer and her boyfriend tickets. It's really a ploy to act cool to get her back under the guise that he's trying to be a nice guy and hooker her up with tickets.

Ryan meets the new girl, Lindsay, after he spilled his gourmet coffee all over her. She's also the girl from the other side of the tracks and she pegged Ryan for a rich kid. Little does she know they have more in common. They get off to a rocky beginning and it's just a cover for a deeply rooted sexual tension that they are trying to ignore. That set the scene for even more drama in the life of Marissa. She has another female to worry about drawing away the attention from Ryan. Of course she gets jealous right away when she sees them flirting during a study session. She's everything Marissa is not... sober, smart, goal oriented, not 10 pounds underweight, and down to Earth.

Seth finds out that the tickets are sold out and ends up taking a job as a jizz mopper (just kidding, he's janitor) at the hip new club (and hangout in future episodes) The Bait Shop to pay for the tickets. That place reminded me of The Peach Pit. And there was even an offhand Nat reference. Summer shows up without her boyfriend and Seth makes a stupid move and tries to kiss her. Been there, done that. Ryan finds Marissa outside and he invites her in.

Sandy got fired from his law firm for being Caleb's lawyer. Caleb tells everyone Julie will be the new CEO. Kirsten gets all pissy. Sandy strong arms Caleb about his poor decision. He wants to appoint her to CFO, since whoever controls the money controls the company. She accepts.

Seth tries to find Summer but she's having lunch at the club with her father and her boyfriend Zach. Dejected he goes outside and buys some heroin. He finds Marissa and they shoot up in the bathroom at Jack in the Box. Aw, I made up the last two lines. I wish that happened. It would have been more compelling!