11 Qs: The First Batch of Questions

Here's the inagural batch of 11 Qs.... you ask the questions and I answer them...

1. What are the odds of the Cowboys winning the next Super Bowl? - Spider, Strong Island, NY

10-1. I hate all the teams in the NFC East except the Giants. But Tuna's appearance in Texas will help your odds. You now need a real QB. I say you'll make the playoff for sure, but that’s about it. Maybe in 2005.

2. What is your new novel titled, and what is it about? – Betty, San Francisco, CA

The working title is: Untitled. Exciting, eh? And I do not like discuss works that I am currently writing. It's a jinx. You’ll have to wait until it’s done.

3. Who is your favorite artist? – Stephen A, Seattle, WA

Henri Matisse. He's the shit.

4. J-Lo. Or Gwyneth Paltrow? – Derek, NYC

Wow, you threw an Affleck question at me. For the record, I’d marry Gwyneth, but keep J-Lo. on the side. Jenny from the Block isn’t the type of girl you marry, ya know what I mean? She’s the prefect salsa, something spicy on the side to dip with when your meal gets a little stale. Gwyneth on the other hand, is the type of girl you escape to the suburbs with and have kids, pets, and nice furniture.

5. Will Spree be traded? - Jerry, Miami, FL

Good question. Knowing that the Knicks are a second rate organization these days, the answer is: No. Latrell Sprewell won't be traded, and if Layden unloads him, we're going to get the shitty end of the deal. No one wants Spree because the Knicks are asking for too much. The suits at Cablevision and the Dolans, who own the Knicks, should all be rounded up and sent to Gitmo Bay and thrown into concrete cells with the Taliban and random al-Qaeda thugs. Only until then, after the real criminals are locked up, will the Knicks and Rangers be able to thrive and have an opportunity to win championships, and give the fans in NYC a chance to see fresh, new, upcoming talent, that will be here for a decade maybe more. The Knicks need a franchise player. And it seems that unless we cut salary room, there's no hope.

6. Which would you rather be, and why: A dolphin or a lion? - Dave S Tampa, FL

Sweet question. I would rather be a dolphin. They always seem like they have a lot of fun. Jumping through hoops and eating fish from the hands of little kids. Some sci-fi geeks will tell you that dolphins are a cross-bread between aliens and whales, just like us humans are a cross breed between apes and aliens.

7. What is your novel Jack Tripper Stole My Dog about? - Edgar, Thunder Bay, Canada

Jack Tripper Stole My Dog is an odd family story, of sorts, about a man and the women in his life: his wife, his daughter, and his lover. His life is filled with a long history of lying, cheating, gossiping, infidelity, hijinks, rape, incest, war, turmoil, some reflection and eventually unfolding into torture, murder, revenge and redemption. Add to the mix a half of dozen scorned lovers, psycho stalkers, several literate pugnacious lesbians, George Bush bashing, interstate serial killers, the KGB, canine tossing, taxi driving hitmen, one horny Ecstasy popping Hollywood Director, a drug peddling Mossad Agent, Chicks with Dicks porn, Bill Gates and the New World Order, suicides, suicide attempts, date rapists, the Russian mafia, bad hippie jam bands, a bizarre and sick love triangle, East Village junkies and Brooklyn drunks, trick turning Catholic high school girls, broken hearts, a documentary film team, Jesus Freaks, swinging Upper East Siders, Internet lies and disinformation, a transvestite hotdog vendor, John Lennon murder conspiracy, the impending Russian-Chinese War, drunken frat boys and spoiled sorority girls, a corrupt heroin smuggling Reverend, Julia Stiles movies, and of course, the CIA. That makes for a comedic, existentialist journey called Jack Tripper Stole My Dog.

8. When did you know you were a writer? – Jessica, Jersey City, NJ

After I saw Resevoir Dogs in college, I decided that I wanted to direct films and write screenplays. I applied, but didn’t get into NYU Film School, and I gave up on writing for the screen. It was easier to quit and think about doing something like finding a different career. I kinda drifted towards poetry and novel writing soon after, just around the time I found a job as a security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art because I was looking for the least amount of responsibility as possible. I wrote everyday, but didn’t consider myself a writer. Being around art and artists all day, fifty hours a week, I knew what I had to maintain a specific level of discipline and dedication and acquired a devoted passion for my words before I dared associate myself with people who truly lived and died for their work. But the first time I called myself a writer is when a Hollywood agent contacted me the first time in late 1996 to write a spec pilot for a sitcom. I recall the person who contacted me said, "We are looking for writers."

9. What is the lifespan for frogs? – Modeski, South Orange, NJ

The lifespan for most frogs is 5 to 14 years, typically. Although the European Bullfrog has been known to live for up to 40 years.

10. If you were an al-Qaeda terrorist, what would your pledge name be? (i.e. Mohammed the Towel Head, Pinto, Akmad the Baby Killer, Asif the Dyslexic Shoe Bomber, etc.) – Derek, NYC

That's an excellent question. I would call myself Kareem Abdul-Ali Abu Mohamed the Ass Bomber. I would walk around downtown Tel Aviv dropping stinky farts up and down Haifa Street, causing hundred of people to gasp for fresh air, all in the name of Allah.

11. What is your favorite Grateful Dead song? – Stephen A., Seattle, WA

Cosmic Charlie, how do you do? Eyes of the World is a close second, and throw in Scarlet Begonias, Shakedown Street, St. Stephen, and Row Jimmy for the Dead Song Six-pack. I never saw the Grateful Dead perform Cosmic Charlie or St. Stephen (last time they played it was 10.15.83).

The next round of 11 Questions will be out soon. If you would like to ask a question, feel free to send me an e-mail! Thanks to everyone who participated.