11 Qs: Norway Edition

11 Qs: Batch 2

The people of Norway have spoken, and I have answered! Here's the next batch of 11 Questions sent to me from Sigge and his friends from a local pub in Oslo, Norway.

And now.... my answers:

1. What are your thoughts on Ally McBeal?

I think she should stop whining and complaining, eat a hearty meal (soup, salad, main course and dessert) and explain to me how the hell she is dating Indiana Jones? Seriously, I think she gives a terrible image to young women over America and in the world. Her waif thin message of immediate romantic love is the driving force in every plot and that focus far out weighs her intelligence and competitive drive to succeed as an attorney, in a male dominated industry, which is overlooked completely by her bumbling hijinks.

2. In what way do you reflect upon yourself, if set in a Star Trek environment? Take the Next Generation for example: are you Number 1, Kirk or Data?? What are your tasks? How do you succeed?

Star Date 23.5678.02. Captain's Log, James T. Kirk reporting that I have successfully squashed whatever possible mutiny was going to erupt after my decision to ban all smoking from the Enterprise. Needless to say, their fearless leader, I, fighting off a nasty head cold, and infection from the fatal Menuvian Flu, I courageously stood down the evil, malicious, drooling stares from the ciggie junkies, that spread rapidly through the lower ranks. Their vile smoke will not infest our hallways and corridors any more, and congest my damaged lungs from the pints of Romulan ale I have been consuming every other hour. For this day, of all days, the Enterprise is forever smoke free, as I stumble off to fall asleep in my own urine.

3. Why did you have this dream of yours?

I cannot explain why. All I know is I try to answer my dreams by creating. Either using them as inspiration for poems or short stories, or other wild projects like this one.

4. Have you ever been to Texas?

Yes. I've hung out in (alphabetically) Austin, College Station, Dallas, El Paso, Houston, San Antonio, and South Padre Island. My brother once told me, "Dude, Texas is a whole other country." I have discovered this: that every other Texan has either been drinking or carrying a gun. Some do both. A friend of mine once said, "Pauly, there's a right way. There's the wrong way. And then there's the Texas way." How's that for Texan philosophy?

5. Why haven't you read any Confucianistic philosophy yet?

Who's to say I haven't? I'm past that phase of my readings. I've been focusing on Scandinavian philosophers recently. But my favorite Confucius quote is: "Go to bed with itchy butt… wake up with smelly finger."

6. What do you like to drink with burgers?

Either water or an iced-tea with lemon. I like to eat my burgers cooked well done, with mayo and ketchup. No pickles, lettuce or tomato. None of that crap! If I want that shit, I'll get a salad. I just want beef and cheese and grease, and sometimes bacon. Mmmmmmm. Bacon Cheese Burgers.

7. How do you prefer your coffee??

I don't drink coffee. I prefer tea. But when I do, I usually get milk and two sugars. I like my coffee like my ladies… hot and steamy, yet sugary and milky.

8. If you were a car, which one?

The Furthur bus! The bus that the Merry Pranksters toured America in back in the 1960s (Neal Cassady was the driver), and followed the Grateful Dead in, during Ken Kesey and his acid tests. That's when his Merry Pranksters were turning random people, shackled to the pristine American psyche, onto hard core drugs, music, sex, revolution, life, enlightenment, and mayhem. Sounds like my kind of ride.

9. Do you ever get spam-mail, like: "I'm not perfect, but I suck c0ck"?

All the time. I usually get teen-age girls asking me to ejaculate on their faces, or most of the time, I get hardcore tranny-granny sites. It's horrible. AOL has been doing a better job recently. I used to get tons more.

10. Why do you live in NY?

The food, the women, the excitement, the subways, the literature, the music, the friends, the hustle, the way I can walk down a street and be invisible and stare at a hundred people without them knowing it. I don't like sticking out too much in a crowd, so Middle America freaks me out. I'd like to live in San Francisco, Vancouver, Paris and Iceland someday. We'll see.

11. Have you heard Roger Whittaker's "Why"?

No. Why should I? Is it good?