1. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?
2. Do Green M&Ms make you horny?
3. What is your least favorite Phish song?
4. What is your favorite thing about Texas? What is your least favorite thing? What makes anyone better than us Texans?
5. What would you porn name be? And why do women wear shoes (while they are stark naked) in porn movies?
6. Do you have any pets? What are their names?
7. Which figure in Texas history do you admire the most?
8. Do you believe Saddam is Dead?
9. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
10. What do you think about tattoos and piercings?
11. What are you going to do with the money you won in the March Madness Pool and from playing poker in Vegas?
And now, my answers:
1. If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, does it make a sound?
Yes of course it does. If anyone tells you different, make sure you tell them this: "If I punch you in the nuts, will you make a sound if no one is around to hear you?"
2. Do Green M&Ms make you horny?
Only when I'm chasing them with shots of Tequila, while drinking with high school girls in bars in Mexico.
3. What is your least favorite Phish song?
That depends on my mood. I've never been a fan of When the Circus Comes to Town. I know it's a Los Lobos cover song that Trey loves. I consider it a Pauly Takes a Piss Song. I get irked when they play Squirming Coil as an encore, but I'd prefer that to Circus any day of the week. Bouncin' Around the Room is a song that I'm not a fan of, perhaps because I heard it too many times in many an acid induced frenzy back in the early 1990s. On the new CD, I’d say Friday is my least favorite song.
4. What is your favorite thing about Texas? What is your least favorite thing? What makes anyone better than us Texans?
That's easy… the best thing about Texas is... hot chicks like Angela and Molly! The least favorite thing is the wide open spaces. That really freaks me out. I feel like Carey Grant in the cropduster scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s epic film North by Northwest... no where to run, no where to hide. And the answer the last part… what makes anyone better than Texans? Simple answer: tough as shit New Yorkers!
5. What would you porn name be? And why do women wear shoes (while they are stark naked) in porn movies?
Peter O'Tool. Like the real actor, but without the ending 'e'. And chicks wear shoes in porno for two reasons. Firstly, most of them wear high heels to make up the height differential with some of their male counterparts. Which allows them to shift quickly into other positions when being filmed in the back of limos, on escalators, at Burger King, in hallways, on desks, or standing up against a tree in a park. Secondly, most porno clips are three to five minute scenes that are spliced and cut down from two or three hours of filmed footage. There's a lot of down time in between takes and positions. And sometimes their feet get cold.
6. Do you have any pets? What are their names?
No pets. I'm too selfish with my time. Sometimes I forget to come home for days at a time, or other days I'm in the zone writing that I forget to feed myself a couple of meals. I couldn't do that to a pet! If I had a dog, I'd call him: Hemingway. If I had a cat, I call her: Isis. If I had a goldfish, I'd name it: Harry Hood.
7. Which figure in Texas history do you admire the most?
Nolan Ryan. He's the strikeout king of baseball.
8. Do you believe Saddam is Dead?
Saddam is alive and well living in Syria with Osama bin Laden. They are playing cribbage and watching reruns of Saved by the Bell on Syrian Cable TV.
9. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Approximately 12 pounds per hour.
10. What do you think about tattoos and piercings?
Tattoo? He was my favorite character on Fantasy Island... “Boss de plane! De plane!” Seriously, I am tattoo and piercing free. I am not against them, and I have no problems with people getting one or thousands. I do not think I will get either. Ever. Here’s my philosophy. I do not base my decisions in life by the way I look. My body is just a rental. You dig? I’ve had it for 30 years and I dunno how long I’ll have it in the future. I see tattoos and piercings as visual signs of expression, and I express myself in other ways. The extent of that expression is based on the individual... some do it for artistic reasons, some do it for sentimental reasons, others do it because it’s the hip thing to do and they want attention and acceptance, and others are just flat out freaky. I don’t have tattoos and piercings for three reasons. Firstly, I’d rather be judged by my life’s work as a writer and painter, than what I have externally marked on my body. Secondly, I’m too paranoid. Tattoos and Piercings are hyper identifiable marks! And unique tattoos are more likely to get you noticed by trigger happy law enforcement officers in this ultra sensitive post 9.11 era. I have had too much discrimination against me when I had long hair and a beard which was alleviated the second I cut my hair, shaved, and threw on a Brooks Brothers suit. Image means everything these days. Especially to the Homeland Security Agency. And it’s easier for me to go un-noticed through society with out markings. And finally, tattoos and piercings used to symbolize the outlaw bad ass nature of biker gangs from the 1960s, prisoners, and veterans of foreign wars. Now since every punk on MTV has dozens of tattoos, every kid in America wants one, and every sorority girl has a pierced body part or a cute tattoo of strawberries or flowers or whatever pansy crap they like, and even random suburban parents (and grandparents) are getting tattoos and their genitalia pierced. Fuck when kids are getting them done at malls and when Grandma is doing it, shit, stuff like that seems too… ordinary. I decided that I would be the lone hold out… and not get any. Fashion and cool trends are cyclical and at some point tattoos will loose its hip-ness factor.
Think about all those old pictures you have with you wearing ridiculous clothes and awful hair styles. Look at your CD collection. I betcha there’s a lot of embarrassing ones that you actually paid for! How about the people you dated? I’m sure there are people you’d like to hide from or others you wish you never met. After careful consideration, most of the choices you made in life are questionable… at best. Well you can change your hair style, you can throw out your old out dated clothes, you can dump ex-girlfriends, you can sell those one-hit wonder CDs, and maybe your piercings will heal, but tattoos don’t go away so easily. The bottom line is this: if you think it’s cool today, will you think it’s cool in five or ten years? History says you won’t. When that day arrives, I’ll be cool! Already I have seen more and more tattoo removal cosmetic surgery done than ever before. The ads are all over the subways in NYC. I might become a doctor and cosmetic surgeon just so I can cash in on the Gen X’ers and Y’ers wanting to get their tattoos removed in a decade.
11. What are you going to do with the money you won in the March Madness Pool and from playing poker in Vegas?
Flowers! I am going to use the cash to buy my grandmother flowers for Easter, buy my mom flowers for Mother’s Day, and of course send two yellow roses to the Texas girls for their great questions!
Thanks again to Molly & Angela and the citizens of Texas for their kick ass questions!
Here are the other batches of 11 Questions that I've posted:
1. The Original 11 Qs
2. 11 Qs: Norway Edition
3. 11 Qs: March Madness Edition
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