Off the Top of My Head...

My latest internet crush just turned 22. Yummy.

My buddy Bruce bought a Tinto Puente book. He can't stop talking about it.

My friend Jenna got a cat. A black one!

I bought a Hawaiian shirt for Derek. It's his lucky shirt. He only wears it when he plays online poker and he's been winning ever since he got it.

I'm totally addicted to Johnny Cash.

I miss seeing name tags on people in Las Vegas. That was one thing I wish more people in NYC wore... name tags.

My 15th high school reunion is on Saturday. Briana is dying to go since I can bring a date.

The baseball season starts on Sunday. Awesome.

I took Senor to his first Fatburger when we were in Vegas. He dug it.

Master Blogger

My poker blog was just added to MasterBlogs.com. Not too shabby, eh?

Cool Job

I can dream, right?

5 Recent Hilarious Google Referrals...
1. Pictures of fat people eating donuts
2. Kramerica throwing out the window
3. Gwyneth's Paltrow's blog
4. Marcel Luske's mansion
5. World Series of Poker coverage

Running with Game Cocks: Another WPBT Adventure

With 109 players forking over $20 + 2, the latest event on Poker Stars was another wild night. I finished an unimpressive 65th while Derek made the money in another WPBT event. If you count cashing in the HORSE tourney and finishing as the highest blogger at the Blue Parrot Invitational plus his 3rd place finish in a Speed Tourney on Party Poker... then Derek is on a hot run.

Congrats to Pathetic Poker who took first place and $651 in his first ever WPBT event. He kept the blogger streak alive. Good job.

The Players:

Seat 1: Grasp a.k.a. Royal Poker... one of the many Michigan bloggers from Midland. Royal is fresh off of his WPBT H.O.R.S.E. win. He has a firm grasp on the game, as firm as Al Can't Hang's grip on his first cocktail of the evening.

Seat 2: 787Style... one of the Austin crew who was a victim of a vicious bad beat in the last blogger event when Dr. Pauly cracked his AA with The Hammer!

Seat 3: Joanne... she's "the chick with the chair" and Calgary's most famous female poker blogger. She's was 25th on the WPBT Leader Board going in.

Seat 4: Rick Blaine... the owner of Rick's Cafe and regular at the Blue Parrot left New York City last year to relocate and practice law in Northern California. It's always great to bluff at pots with Rick.

Seat 5: VaRoadster... the former chess champion from Virginia can be found lurking in the waters on Empire Poker. He's not afraid to throw down The Hammer.

Seat 6: Al Cant Hang... everyone's favorite internet celebrity got toasted at the Boathouse before the tournament. You can tune into his new reality show, starting this summer on MTV called: The Al Can't Hang Experience. It's on right after that awful Lizze Grubman vehicle Power Girls.

Seat 7: Mirven... another Austin player who's been frequenting the WPBT circuit. What's up with that shade of lipstick?

Seat 8: Pauly... our hero. The former Wall Street whiz kid turned Party Poker pitchman is looking to make the money in his first WPBT event in over a year. We don't expect him to shake off the effects of his five day bender in Vegas in time to do any significant damage.

Derek's New Table:

Seat 1: Bad Blood... he admits that he's 100% Balco free although there have been rumors that a cabal of suits running the WPBT want to start drug testing for steroids and horse tranquilizers. I'm so fucked.

Seat 2: Iggy... everyone's favorite blogger had half a bag on and was bogged down in serious tube pullage throughout the night.

Seat 3: SoxLover... a Red Sox fan from Jersey City, NJ. Nobody is perfect.

Seat 4: FW190... an unknown from Washington DC. Rumors for a while suggested he was in fact Jeff Gannon dropping his own version of the Hammer to Beltway Insiders.

Seat 5: Daddy... the creator of sapid whale pussy burritos is a three-time Indiana circle-jerk champion, winning "Golden Cockrings" in Speed Wanking, Distance Shooting, and the Power Jerk.

Seat 6: Papag99... another reader from Milford, Connecticut... I presume.

Seat 7: Waxman... another familiar face on the WPBT.

Seat 8: Derek... the self professed "Don Swayze of Poker Bloggers" was one of the chip leaders. So I guess that make's me Patrick Swayze? By the way, where the fuck was BG... the "Bobby Flay" of poker bloggers? And where was Grubby... the gourmand of poker bloggers?

Seat 9: Ugarte... the former attorney turned stand up comic had plenty of luck and Michael Jackson jokes to keep his night full of laughs. He was the sole remaining regular from the Blue Parrot left in the tournament.

For a complete write up... visit the Tao of Poker.

Pieces of Pauly: A Photo Essay

So what did I eat in Las Vegas?


My "medium-well" dinner at Palm


Yummy dessert at Palm


Penne Arribgata at Ferrara's


My dessert at Ferrara's


The Poker Prof's sorbet


Lunch at Excalibur


Derek's favorite


That concludes this random photo essay of Pieces of Pauly. Hope that Modeski and Jerry had fun with this. How about random Vegas pics?

Vegas Photo Dump


The Bellagio's Water Show




What Grubby sees everyday...


This is the only place in Las Vegas where I am up for my career!


In the Luxor


More Luxor


The view from our room


In Cesear's Palace




I love these signs posted all over casinos...
Just a quick reminder... see everyone on Poker Stars tonight at 9pm EST for the next event on the WPBT!

March Madness: Sweet 16 and Elite 8 Updates

Sorry folks for the delay in updates. I was in Vegas as many of you already know. Blogger.com was freaky all weekend long and using dial up in my hotel room was hard for me. ESPN's site was super slow to come up. Again sorry for the delays.

28 out of 41 have paid. Not too shabby, but we've haven't reached our goal. I know I'll get some more payments from some of you later. But for the rest, please make arrangements ASAP or I will send Al Cant Hang and Grubby to your house. Grubby will eat all your food and Al will drink all your liquor and sit on your couch and smoke a pack of cowboys until you fork over the cash.

Transfer via PokerStars... my screen name is: DrPauly

Email me for my mailing address if you want to send payments via snail mail.

So, how about the tournament, huh? This is one of the most exciting I've seen in years. Of course Senor and I got our asses kicked 2 out of 3 days we bet on the games. If we didn't have money on an innocuous Raptors-Hawks NBA game... we would have been in even worse shape.

3 of the 4 games that decided the Final Four went into OT. Unreal. Illinois and Louisville came from behind late in the second half to advance. That game will be wild. I'm pulling for Louisville for obvious reasons. And maybe UNC can finally knock off Michigan State.

We also have nominations for best team name. I asked a panel of non-playing folks to pick five of their favorite team names. These 7 got the most possible nominations. Please email me your vote. And no you cannot vote for yourself. The winner gets a cool prize.

BEST TEAM NAME NOMINEES:
1. Inside the Paris Hilton
2. AlexPKeaton Trust Fund
3. Surrealistic Celibacy
4. OrangeUGlad I SaidOrange
5. Marlboro and Lungbutter
6. Trailer Park Hoochies
7. Chico's Bail Bonds

OK, I'll put up a voting post on my poker blog this weekend. Results will be posted soon.

So how about Matt and Austin Paulbearers? He's running away with it. If Louisville knocks off Illinois, Singer and lets do it againsoxpat look like they can take it down.

The Standings:
1 Austin Paulbearers (M. Stephans) 840
2 Syracuse Phenomenon (CJ) 810
3 Spudtastic Webbalicious (The Poker Nerd) 800
4 lets do it againsoxpat (Singer) 790
5 Well T'anks For Nuttin' (Jerry) 770
6 Chico's Bail Bonds (Derek) 740
6 Marlboro and Lungbutter (AlCantHang) 740
8 CinderANG Entry 3 (Mrs. Senor) 730
8 The Brooklyn Embeds (Gil) 730
8 Oyster Bay Orangemen (JoeMoore) 730
11 Landow Entry 2 (Landow) 720
11 Stop Your Begging (Coach) 720
13 Simian Rage (ScurvyDog) 710
14 Trailer Park Hoochies (Briana, Ms. Buttons if you're nasty...) 700
14 Inside the Paris Hilton (Pauly) 700
14 Drohan 2005 (Bad Blood) 700
17 Girtz NYC (Girtz) 680
17 Signor Ferrari (Ferrari) 680
17 Your Mascots Tickler (Spider) 680
17 The Name I want won't (Bob) 680
21 Buttamaker's Boilermakers (Derek) 670
22 HUSKY REPRISE (Senor) 660
22 Fennis's Dembo (GW Jay) 660
24 Homer's Hard Wood (Armen) 650
25 Ballersby Knights (G-Rob) 640
25 The Otis Ramblers (Otis B. Dart) 640
25 The Israeli Nightmares (Gil) 640
28 Steal This Bracket (Poker Geek) 630
29 MyGirlFriend MadeMeDoIt (Spider) 620
29 Picking at Random (Sean) 620
29 OrangeUGlad I SaidOrange (Spider) 620
32 Surrealistic Celibacy (BG) 610
33 AlexPKeaton Trust Fund (Drizz) 600
33 YouScratched MyAnchor (SeanLovelace) 600
35 Dr. Gonzo's Ether (Pauly) 570
36 Stay Free Ugarte (Charles Star, comedian and esq.) 560
36 ILikeYou Betty (SeanLovelace) 560
38 Double Belly Draw (Daddy aka Karl Hungug) 500
39 Senor Jr Entry 2 (Jodd) 470
40 Big Bold Bastards (Johnny Flopbot) 430
41 NYC HighOnPoker (Jordan) 410
42 Twinkle and Turquoise (J. Jenna & Haley) 360

According to Matt here's the possible winners:

Back of the envelope NCAA pool finishes (Likely mostly accurate, may have missed something, though):

ILL over UNC: Austin Paulbearers win
ILL over MSU: Austin Paulbearers win
MSU over ILL: Austin Paulbearers win
MSU over LOU: Let's Do It Again wins
LOU over UNC: Let's Do It Again wins
LOU over MSU: Let's Do It Again wins
UNC over ILL: Chico's Bail Bonds win
UNC over LOU: Ballersby Knights win

The best that Inside the Paris Hilton can finish is 3rd (UNC over ILL).

Thanks again Matt for your help in these calculations. Good job to Singer picking Lousiville to go this far. I'll be rooting for UNC baby! Check back soo for more updates. I'll figure out payment structure sometime this weekend.

Thanks again. Good luck.

Vegas Day 5: The Last Waltz

I woke up with a faint aroma of stripper's perfume lingering on my clothes from the previous night. I chuckled when I read a text message from Briana:

u should stay in vegas and marry a stripper so u can get free lap dances

I wrote for a bit, showered, watched Dawson's Creek (because I knew it bothers -EV), then grabbed a meatball sub at Quizno's before I hopped in a cab to the Aladdin. I should have walked but there was no wait at the taxi line. My driver was cool and had a withered right hand. A physical disability gets you at least an extra $2 tip from yours truly. We chatted about urban planning for most of the ride and Glyph got a random mentioning from me to a Vegas cabbie.


When I arrived at the Aladdin's poker room, I saw Edna. She remembered me from our brief meeting in December. I said hello and then signed up for the tournament. With about a 50 minute wait before the start time, I sat in the $1/2 NL game. I lost about $10 in blinds and limp bets. I did not win any pots and a few people at the table never played poker in a casino before. Straight out of a line from Iggy, one woman honestly said, "I only play on Yahoo, but I watch poker on the TV all the time."

You could see the words "Fresh Fish" stamped into her forehead if you looked closely enough. Plus, You know how I feel about people who refer to television as... "the TV." Anyway, 12:53pm, I left the NL game, cashed in my chips, took a leak, then found my tourney seat.... the dreaded seat 10.

The 1pm tourney at Aladdin is $60 plus an optional $40 rebuy which is good for the first hour. The levels are 20 minutes long and you get T1500 to start. The rebuy is good for T1000 more. My table only had 8 players and 74 total players signed up. Top 8 places paid and first prize would win over $1800. The last time I played in a tourney at Aladdin, Grubby made the money and won the "last longer bet" between himself, Derek, BG, Bob, and yours truly. -EV and his girlfriend also played that day back in December when I missed the final table by one seat.

Well, on Monday, I placed 17th out of 74 and missed the money by 9 spots. In the first level I limped in LP with K9s.The flop: K-8-8. I called a bet from a guy who looked like he was worried about the King. I put him on a small pair. A blank fell on the turn. He bet and I moved all in. He had only a few chips left and called. I flipped over my hand and he did not turn over his cards. He couldn't beat me and mucked his cards. I should have asked to see his cards since he never turned them over. I was dying to see what he had. He mumbled under his breath, "My two pair is no good." He quickly reached into his pocket for a rebuy. I nearly doubled up and had almost T3000 in chips.

Over the next three levels, I folded everything and lost about T1000 in blinds. One hand I limped in MP with AJo. I had the jack of Diamonds. The flop was all diamonds. The short stack moved all in UTG. The large stack called. If he folded, I would have called. The short stack flopped a baby flush. The big stack rivered a four flush and took down the pot with Q-10... and the 10 of diamonds. I blew a shot at T1000.

By the break I had T2000 left and went ahead with the rebuy. I now had T3000 and was fifth in chips at my table. I called Jerry and gave him a quick update. In Level 4 I was moved to a different table. Right away I pushed in with AQs. I doubled up against 66 from a young British guy when I pulled out an ace out of my arse on the river. I had T7300 and looked strong. In the BB, I called a short stack who moved all in with J9s. I had KJs and lost when he river'd a flush. A few hands later, I lost another bad hand when I had a small stack dominated... QTs to T9o. He flopped trips. Ouch. I had T5500 and never recovered.

By Level 7, I was chipped down. When I found AK in MP, I moved all in with T3800. The LB called with JTo and flopped trips. Yep, outflopped again. I finished 17th out of 74. I chatted with Edna for a few minutes before I left. I wandered across the street to the Mirage and decided to play $6/12.


I love the Mirage's poker room. I prefer it over the Bellagio. The last time I was there, Mel Judah sat on the table behind me playing pot limit Omaha. In the first orbit I found Big Slick suited. I flopped a flush and won a $200 pot. An hour later, after some very tight play from yours truly, I found AA UTG. I limped-raised and got two callers. I lost to JJ who caught a gutshot on the river. The next hand I found KK in the BB. This time there were four limpers and a button raise. I reraised and the betting was capped. I reraised on a ragged flop. I even check raised on the turn. And then an ace fell on the river... the one card I dreaded seeing. Of course one guy had AQ and the other two both had AT. Yeah it took the case ace to sink my ship. And yeah, I folded on the river, knowing I was beat and saved myself $48.

I decided to play out the orbit then I left... down $5. I returned to the Excalibur, called Derek to tell him about my tourney results, wrote for a few minutes, then grabbed a quick bite (two Krispy Kreme donuts). Afterwards, I headed for the poker room for 4 hours of NL. Grubby joined me by 7pm and sat down just as I did my first (and only) rebuy. My AK lost to AJo. We both flopped and ace but he caught a Jack on the turn. Ouch. The next three hours I'd fight back to break even until some chick who looked like Ani DiFranco caught a runner runner straight on me and I doubled her up. I flopped top pair and had an open ended straight draw on the turn which I also caught on the river. Man, it irks me when I catch the card that gives me my draw but that same card gives my opponent a bigger hand.

Grubby doubled up with aces against the Hilton Sisters. He also braved the buffet in the back of the poker room at the Excalibur. He ate both a hotdog and hamburger. He's a courageous man indeed. He had a good day at the Excalibur and almost tripled up. Oh, I saw the dealer who was at my table when the infamous brawl broke out. She gave me a nod and I winked.

Grubby and I considered playing some Pai Gow Poker but decided against it. He wanted me to stay a few extra days. I would have but you know whatever money I won playing poker would be pissed away at the numerous local strip clubs. Yeah, Grubby and I hit four in three days and there were a half a dozen more on our list that we never had the chance to hit up. We'll wait for June and take Bad Blood. Grubby also told me abou the curse of the $50 bill. I never heard of that before, but supposedly it's superstitious for gamblers to carry around $50 bills in your wallet.

I met up with the Poker Prof and Flip Chip. They were going to hook me up with a ride to the airport and we agreed to have a quick bite to eat before I left. We talked a little business. I'll go into more detail about the actual gist of our conversation in a few days. Suffice to say, I have a pretty cool announcement to make very soon. Stay tuned.


Closing Thoughts

Someday I'm going to write a novel about Las Vegas because it's a place that inspires me to no end. It's the perfect city for an insomniac degenerate gambler. It's also been several years since Senor and I took one of our epic misadventures together. The last huge one was Japan almost five years ago. We were in Vegas together two years ago with Derek and that was tons of fun. This time we also had a kick ass time. Senor just finished his MBA and got a new job with an asset management company. This was his time to celebrate before he had to start his new job. We'll have amazing memories of those insane games from Saturday, when both games went into over time and we won big bucks using the George Costanza Method to picking our teams.

The weirdest thing was my cell phone. Senor and I both have the same company, Verizon, and the clock on our cell phones would jump back and forth between local time (PCT) and MST. One minute it would be 4am then next 3am. It was always very confusing and after a while, I stopped looking at the time.

Now that I know people in Vegas, it's cool to hang out with locals like Grubby, Flip Chip, and the Poker Prof. I got an email from Mr. Subliminal who lives in Vegas. I have like 4 different email accounts and only checked one until Monday. Too bad I didn't get in touch with him sooner. It would have been cool to meet a fellow blogger. Next time... in June!

Final Numbers:
Mandalay Bay & Excalibur's Sports Book: -350
Ceaser's Pai Gow Poker: +100
Aladdin (Tourney and $1/2 NL): -110
Mandalay Bay Poker Room ($4/8 with a half kill): -55
Mirage ($6/12): -5
Excalibur ($2/6 spread and $1/2 NL): EVEN!
Combinded Poker Loses: -170
Overall Gambling Losses: -420
Air fare + Hotel: -500
Krispy Kreme Donuts Consumed: 8
Cocktail Waitresses I called "Sweetie": 17

Anyway, I have a ton of work to do. I have a couple of freelance articles to write so I'll check y'all later. Stay tuned for my Stripper Stories and the "big announcement." I'll see everyone at the tables on Poker Stars on Wednesday for the next leg on the WPBT. Until then, thanks for reading and checking in to read about my Vegas hijinks. Man, 64 days until I arrive back in Sin City for the blogger event!

Vegas Day 4: Easter, Pai Gow, Double OT, and Drunk Strippers

The day started off like any other Las Vegas morning. I was hungover with a slight headache with the gambling angels slowly whispering my name. I couldn't sleep and headed down to the poker room around 8am to play against drunkards at the tail end of their late night session. My pocket aces held up. Senor eventually wandered downstairs. With A6o he flopped trip aces and then spiked quads on the turn. Yes, he got to "spin the wheel." The first spin... he caught a triple. Next spin... another triple. Too bad they didn't honor that second spin!

Senor and I were ready to work the George Costanza Method to perfection with the last two games in the Regional Finals. We took the money line and Wisconsin +450. If anything it was a hedge bet. I picked UNC to win my pool, so if they got upset, at least I'd get something. We also took Kentucky... the line moved from -1 1/2 to +1! The game went into double OT in another wild game 3 of the four regional finals went into over time. Damn. The gambling rush was killing me. Ups and downs. Highs and lows.

We went back to the poker room and I got reamed. I caught a flurry of high pocket pairs. Pocket Jacks only held up 1 out of 8 times. Hilton Sisters = No Action. Pocket 10s, 9s, 8s... nothing. Man, it was ugly. At least Senor hit quads 7s and got to spin the wheel again. Grubby stopped by and he got spanked in NL.

We all met up with the Poker Prof and Flip Chip at Caesar's Palace for dinner. Luckily, we got into Palm. I had to grease the hostess a $20 to seat us... since they were "booked for Easter" and it was worth it. Great fuckin' steaks. I caught some shit for ordering a "medium-well" Filet Mingnon. Flip Chip told me a great story about Doyle Brunson giving a pizza delivery kid a $5,000 tip at Sam's Town.

Senor had a Midnight flight and we drove him to the airport. We had 10 minutes to play some tables games. We found a $50 Pai Gow poker table... and persuaded the floor dude to drop it to $25. Otis would be proud... I played $25 hands of Pai Gow. We all won. I Doubled up in 15 minutes. Senor doubled up in 10 and Grubby took the most. Man... I told Grubby that he needs to stop playing slots and online BJ and stick to focusing on being a professional Pai Gow Poker player.

Instead of going back to my empty hotel room and writing, Grubby persuaded me to hit up a few strip clubs. We went to three different ones. I'm going to save all the stories about out late night wacky hijinks for a later post... the infamous Strip Club post. Stay tuned. But I will tell you one bit. At Treasures, I had a stripper stop by who was so drunk she fell off my lap... not once... but twice during a lap dance. I guess it was a "slow night" in Vegas due to the fact it was Easter Sunday and plenty of the girls were getting loaded. Great. I got the drunkest stripper in Vegas working me. At least she didn't puke on me.

I went back to the Excalibur and played NL. I made the worst move and doubled up. I'm short on time and will save that write up for when I get back to Vegas. For now... I have to shower and watch the tail end of Dawson's Creek before I head to the Aladdin to play in a tournament.

Vegas Day 3: Costanza's Betting Method

Senor and I decided that we needed a new method in picking winners. I told him that I should be betting the opposite of what my gut tells me. We employed the George Costanza Method to betting on college hoops. There was one episode of Seinfeld where George decided that he was ruining his life with his decisions and decided to do the opposite of what he thought he should do. That's how he landed a girlfriend and scored a job with the NY Yankees.

I liked Illinois and Louisville. According to George Costanza... I should go with the other teams. Senor and I bet on Arizona +5 and West Virginia +8 1/2. And you know... we won both bets. Amazing. Our new system worked. The West Virgina-Louisville game was a rollercoaster ride of emotions. WV blew a double digit lead late and Louisville forced OT. I dunno if anyone saw that missed dunk with 6 second left... but if that goes down... we lose. Since he (Louisville player unknown) missed the easy dunk... the lead was only 8! Man... we won by a 1/2 point. The sports book exploded in jubilation. A lot of people bet on West Virginia and that missed dunk made hundreds of people thousands of dollars. What a rush. It felt like I jumped out an airplane and opened my parachute at the last possible second.

Met the Poker Prof for dinner at Ferrara's, a cool Italian place which was located at Caesar's Palace. He bought Senor and I dinner and I chose the Penne in a spicy marinara sauce. Yummy. We had a few drinks afterwards and talked shop.

The lines atthe poker rooms are ridiculously long. Time for some Pai Gow poker!

Vegas Day 2: Cracked Hiltons, Sin & Strippers, Fatburger, and Duke Sucks

On Friday I was brutalized by my inability to pick winners at the Sports Book. For my career, I am up at Mandalay Bay. So I'm kinda surprised that I actually lostFriday. Big. At some point Senor mentioned, "Today could get ugly." He was right. I went 1 and 3 again. Fugly. Which is short for Fuckin Ugly. By the way, did I mention that Duke sucks?

We ate at Fatburger for dinner. That place rocks.

I didn't try to pick up any 21 year olds today. Sorry guys. But I did go to a strip bar with Senor and our special guest Grubby. I am going to tease you with stories about our hijinks. You will have to wait until I get back from Vegas before I post the infamous visit toSin, one of the newest Gentleman's Club in Vegas. I hope that it will be one of my most anticipated posts to date. I will share this post-strip bar conversation snippet:

Senor: So what were you and that stripper talking about for an hour?

Pauly: You know, normal Pauly-Stripper conversation. We discussed Dostoevsky, Jean-Paul Sartre, and other existentialists.

Late night, I walked back into Mandalay Bay's poker room with the faint aroma of a stripper's perfume on me, I played $4/8 with a half kill and went up $90 right away. I then proceeded to lose $150 over the next two hours on a series of bad beats. The damn Hilton Sisters were cracked by 58s. Grrrr. Grubby's Hiltons were cracked as well.

I realized that the strip club was the most +EV adventure of the day. By the way, I lied to every stripper. When they asked what I did for a living, I told them I was...

1. a pediatrican (I had to live up to the Dr. Pauly reputation)
2. a guitar player in a jazz band
3. an aspiring filmaker from Hollyweird (sound familar Geek?)
4. a commodities trader on Wall Street.

Check back next week for the full write up.

Vegas Day 1: Karma Tipping

On my flight to Vegas, some guy left his jacket up front and the stewardess got on the intercom and asked who the jacket belonged to. No one answered. She began the bidding at $20. One guy from the back yelled, "I call!" Another dude chimmed in, "I'm all in!"

Yeah, you gotta love flights to Vegas filled with rowdy New Yorkers. The guy across from me was reading Mike Caro's book on poker tells. With Spring Break and March Madness and the poker boom... Vegas was overflowing with dead money and the jubilation spilled over onto my flight.

Senor made the trip after all! Which is awesome. I was perpared to go solo, but it's always great to have a wingman. We're staying at the Excalibur and Grubby met us at Midnight at the Sherwood Forest Bar. Ah, sweet memories of that place tickled me for sure. Grubby was sipping on a Corona and playing video black jack when we found him.There were two young girls sitting next to us at the bar, each double fisting a Pina Coloda and a Cosmopolitan. Grubby thought one looked like Kate Hudson. The actual term he used was "Goldie Hawn's daughter". The other looked like a cleaner version of Lindsay Lohan minus the fake boobs and coke flakes hanging off her right nostril. It was her 21st birthday and they came to Vegas to celebrate. They asked me where they should go to party. With a belly full of Absolut Citron, I answered, "My room."

We headed to the poker room after I unsuccessfully tried to get the two 21 year-old Seattle chicks to take a shower with me. Senor doubled up his buy in playing the best poker he's ever played. Grubby sat at my table and won a hand with AA. I got AA twice in 90 minutes. Both times they held up. I limped then reraised preflop. It was three way and one guy had AK. The flop: AKx. Damn. Too bad it was $2-6 spread! If it were no limit, I'd have the keys to his car by now. Anyway, after a quick hit and run session I ended up $75. Between Senor, Grubby and myself... we took a quick $300+ from the poker room. Yes, I celebrated with a Krispy Kreme donut.

I went 1-3 in the Thursday hoops games. Ouch. I like Duke today. I missed the smell of pure casino oxygen. More to come...

Scary Mischa

How about this scary nude pic of Mischa Barton from The OC? Thanks to Briana for the heads up.

The Day Before

"Beware the ides of March." - William Shakespeare

I'm leaving for furbelow lights of Las Vegas tomorrow. That's when I'm going to throw myself in the middle of the March Madness insanity for a few days. The sports book at the Mandalay beckons me. I'll be one of the thousands of gamblers throwing down a good chunk of change on the Sweet 16 and Elite 8 games. For the trip, I'm expecting to...

• Sleep for six hours the entire time I'm there.
• Lose all of my money on a missed free throw
• Fall in love with a stripper/aspiring actress with a purse full of pills that could knock out Courtney Love for a month
• Have a great story about scoring horse tranquilizers from a Scottish cab driver who looks a lot like Groundskeeper Willie.

I'm bringing my laptop, so expect live updates... that is if I don't have to pawn off my iBook to cover my sports book loses. I hope to meet up with Grubby and the Poker Prof at some point. I'm sure they have some great stories to tell about the last few months of their lives.

Also on my agenda:

• 4am bowling at The Orleans
• Dropping The Hammer on a local
• Cashing in a MTT at the Aladdin
• Eating six Krispy Kreme donuts at the Excalibur
• Holding my mud in a loose $6/12 game at the Mirage.

Right now Senor is a "game time decision" whether or not he can make it out of Rhode Island. It's a long story that I'll get into at a later date, but now there's a forecast for 6-12 inches of snow in RI... which complicates things even more so. Suffice to say, whether or not he can make it... I'm still going. I've been in Vegas by myself a few times. I actually enjoy traveling alone sometimes. You never have someone else holding you back. Especially in a town like Vegas, the weirdness always picks up when you least expect it.

I am getting a vision... a hoops vision. Take Kentucky giving 4.5 to Utah and bet the farm on it! Here are the latest lines from my reliable bookie:

Thursday's Games & Lines

Illinois -10.5 over Wisconsin-Milwaukee
Oklahoma State -1.5 over Arizona
Louisville -1.5 over Washington
Texas Tech -1.5 over West Virginia

Friday's Games & Lines

North Carolina State -2 over Wisconsin
North Carolina -10.5 over Villanova
Kentucky -4.5 over Utah
Duke -4.5 over Michigan State

There are two bad things about a jaunt to Vegas right now. First, I qualified in a WSOP on Full Tilt on Saturday and will not be able to play. Luckily, Derek will step in. Stop by on Saturday afternoon to root him on (he'll be playing under my screen name). He's a good pick since he's been playing well this month.

Secondly, I'm in the middle of a nice winning streak. In the last two weeks, ever since I abandoned SNGs and NL ring games, I have been padding the bankroll playing $3/6. I'm back on the hit and run wagon, playing sessions for less than an hour and taking quick profits. I'm comfortable. I'm confident. And I feel good about myself despite the many mistakes I'm making, like folding my big pocket pairs, for fuck's sake! All of my previous rushes have been halted by trips. Is my thirst for travel killing my poker game?

June 2004... I found a groove at the NL ring games on Party Poker and after playing online for four months, I finally got a used to internet poker. As soon as I got comfortable, I had to stop to go onto Phish tour and follow the boys from Vermont around the Northeast and Midwest for two weeks hanging out with neo-hippies who think that "selling hemp jewelry" looks groovy on a patchouli scented resume.

Late July to Early Aug 2004... I had been regularly cashing a couple of hundred dollars out of Party Poker every week during a run where I could not lose a $30 SNG. Of course that streak ended when I went back out on the road following Phish (for their last shows ever).

Early December 2004... The week or so after I finished my novel and before I went to Vegas for the WPBT Holiday Classic, I was on fire. When I arrived back in NYC, I was slaughtered at the tables. Briana offered to stake me in my quest to conquer the $50 SNGs. Man, that backfired. I quickly lost my stake and looked like an idiot in the process.

Every time I come back from a trip, it takes me a week or so before I get my mojo back. By then, I'm in the hole and it takes me another week just to make up my losses. It seems that I'm always digging myself out of a hole. Going into March of this year, I was down in 2005 losing about 30% of my bankroll. I miraculously wiped out those loses in the last two weeks. Alas, I hit the road knowing that when I come back, that magic won't be there. I'll have to start from scratch all over again in April.

Anyway, speaking of Las Vegas, it appears that everyone is jumping on The Plaza bandwagon for the June WPBT event. I told AlCantHang a few weeks ago that if we book a suite there, then the rest of the bloggers without rooms would try to stay there, especially since it's so damn inexpensive. Same thing kinda happened with The Excalibur in December. Derek and I always book the Excalibur. I was shocked when I found out that nearly everyone else booked rooms there. I'm looking forward to the same late night hijinks. This time... it'll be at The Plaza. And I cannot conform the rumor that Iggy is going to be crashing in our bathtub. Book your rooms sooner than later.

I know this is random, but thanks to Bob for sending me the remainder of his Full Tilt bankroll... all $8.90 of it!


Just in case I'm a little behind in updating my blog over the next few days, I encourage you to read a few short stories that I wrote for Truckin'. Most of you already read one of my favorite stories about Las Vegas called: Vegas, Two Hockey Players, and a Kansas Blonde. But don't miss these stories:

Baby's Steak Knife and Winky's Salad: I consider this the short story the one that started it all. Inspired by the characters in a series of stories I wrote for Truckin', I eventually scripted an entire novel dedicated to Baby & Winky, everyone's favorite dysfunctional couple, called Sweet Nothing. Here's a bit:

There were a couple of seconds after she stabbed me and before the blood started squirting out where Baby and I calmly stared at each other. Our glances lovingly locked onto one another and we had a tranquil moment. Our symbiotic original connection only lasted for a second maybe two, but it was one of those eternal seconds that seem to last forever and you never want to end. It’s those eclectic moments you come across while thinking about life’s odd idiosyncrasies, while stuck in a sullen slouch at the end of a bar, drinking away the roughness of the day’s grind. Or perhaps that treasured moment comes to mind while staring out the window of an airplane, your eyes bouncing back and forth between the clouds and the endless horizon and your shared memories burn a hole in your pants pocket, like a firecracker with a slow fuse that you lit years ago and simply forgot it was there until one day, POP! It goes off... More

Crispy Lineta: This is a weird story because when I wrote it, I never imagined that two years later, I'd be playing a ton of poker, have a popular poker blog, and be actually trying to win a seat at the WSoP. It's inspired by an obscure Rounders reference and the main character is loosely based on a infamous WSoP champion. It's definitely "out there" and I recall that I had a lot of fun writing it. Here's a bit:

While taking a shit, Crispy was shot four times in the head by the voluptuous strawberry blonde, Alberta Desjardins, a jealous ex-girlfriend high on Prozac, Lithium and Pabst Blue Ribbon. The six fingered, former weather girl from Sweetwater, Tennessee was the mother of his myopic twins: Acey and Deucey... More

OK, that's it for now. Next time I update... I'll be in the middle of the desert in Las Vegas pissing away all the money I made writing freelance articles. Will I allow the stygian vibes of losers get to me and pull me down into the depths of depravity? Or will I surf the madness, and ride the wave of good fortune all the way down the Strip?

Pauly-Boy Genius IM Excerpt of the Day

To set the scene, I'm in NYC listening to a Phish bootleg and playing poker online at Party Poker. BG is in his cubicle at work in Michigan.

BG: can you use the word "cute" to describe hilary swank?
BG: al cant hang and i are disagreeing
Pauly: shes spunky
BG: but can you say "cute"
BG: rachel bilson = cute
BG: carmen electra = sexy, but not cute
BG: i think swank is not someone you could call cute
Pauly: chad lowe, now he's cute
BG: heh heh
BG: he's pretty
BG: big difference
Pauly: lol he's pretteir than hillary
Pauly: you know she wears the strap on
BG: but yeah
BG: i'm surprised they've lasted this long
BG: shouldn't she be dating someone more important?
BG: a bigger star?
BG: like corey feldman or jerry o'connell?
Pauly: ellen?
BG: ellen is dating portia di rossi
BG: do you think on "that team" you get a bunch of women around a campfire debating "ellen or rosie?"
BG: and who takes the rosie side?
BG: lumberjacks?
BG: er
BG: lumberjanes?

You may return to your regularly scheduled programming.

5 Random Google Referrals...
1. Pulled over by cops mushrooms
2. Grateful Dead Knickerbocker Arena Albany
3. Vito Corleone oranges
4. Shana Hiatt breast implants
5. Lizze Grubman Hampton's crash

5 Random "Nude" Referrals...
1. Jessica Alba nude
2. Scralet Johansen nude
3. Smurfette nude
4. Pregnant wives nude
5. Mischa Barton nude

Odd Thoughts

I was stoned when I visited my grandmother the other day. She was watching Bewitched on TV Land. I'm shocked she wasn't watching celebrity poker.

I had a quick hit and run at the tables on Party Poker yesterday morning. I cannot describe what it feels like to book a win in an hour that's roughly the same amount of what some people make slinging Lattes at Starbucks for 3 days a week. And all that poker took place before most of you woke up today!

I watched Meet the Press yesterday while playing poker. They were talking about the MLB steroid scandal and Washington's attempt to play cop in that issue. Smells like a hug diversion tactic to me. There are hundreds of other more important issues we should be worried about. Fuck Jose Canseco. He's a four dollar whore who's broke and has a new book to pimp. If he kept his mouth shut, we'd all feel a lot better about America's favorite past time. Mark McGwire and the rest of the goon squad needs to track Canseco down, fill his head with bad acid, then strip him naked, tie him to a tree in the Appalachians somewhere... and let a couple of crooked-eye, moonshine-drinking hunters make him "squeal like a pig."

Here's some "no-duh" statements that every parent should tell their kids.

1. Major league athletes use performance enhancing drugs. The NHL, MLB, and NFL have been handing out speed and pain killers for years.

2. Most of your favorite actors and actresses had plastic and cosmetic surgery at one point.

No wonder why the majority of our youngsters are a group of image conscious hipsters with lacking originality, depth, intelligence, and panache. Bring back Clyde Frazier, Mickey Mantle, and Joe Namath. Those guys had heart and class.



Yes, I have been posting regulary to my fotolog. Take a peek.

Sunday Morning Link Dump: Degrassi, Woody, Hunter, Iceland Bobby, and Friedman

Degrassi Craze Sweeps America is kick ass article on one of my new favorite vices... Degrassi: The Next Generation. Yes, it's true... Pauly likes Canadian girls with cute accents.

Woody Allen's latest film might be his best in years! I don't care if it's good or if it blows. I'm a big fan and will go see it despite what the critics say.

Maudie sent me this link: Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas Script.

Artists against the War on Drugs is an interesting read.

Chessmaster Bobby Fischer has been grante citizenship in Iceland of all places. He played one of the biggest chess matches in history aginst Russia's Boris Spassky back in 1972 in Iceland.

What is a Sunday morning without a Thomas Friedman Op/Ed piece from the NY TImes? A Nobel for Sistani is another excellent read from TF.

BG's Almost Suicide

Boy Genius Suicide... only in Colorado. It's not the Tao of Pauly's favorite boy wonder... but another one.

Trey Updates



Here are two news blurbs about Trey: Trey to head 10,000 Lakes Festival and New Lineup Unveiled.

Here's a bit:

Trey Anastasio will play to a SOLD OUT audience on Friday, April 1st at the Higher Ground Ballroom in South Burlington, VT. This will mark the first appearance of Trey's new band, featuring Peter Chwazik (bass), Les Hall (keyboards), Ray Paczkowski (keyboards) and Skeeto Valdez (drums).

Getting pumped for the Trey shows! But first, I got WSP in three weeks!

A Picture Worth 1,000 Jokes



Tara Reid and a monkey walk into a bar. The bartender shouts out, "Where the fuck did you get that animal?"

The monkey answered, "Hollywood!"

Today's Big Bets

Vermont +9 over Syracuse
Charlotte +3 over NC State
Kansas -14 over Bucknell

Yesterday: 0-2

Recent Writing Music...
1. Morphine
2. North Mississippi All Stars
3. Ray Lamontange
4. Cowboy Junkies
5. Toots and the Maytals with Trey Anastasio

Diane Wah: Hip Hop & Poetry

Diane Wah sent me an invite to her next show. Here's the info:

Date: Saturday, March 19, 2005
Time: 10:00PM EST (GMT-05:00)
Where: Nuyorican Poets Cafe
236 east 3rd St bwteewn Ave B&C

WORDS hip hop & poetry showcase & open mic

Diane Roy (Wah) featuring UTOPIA CHILD

Justin Mathews -Guitar
Rashaan Carter - Bass
Cameron Johnson- Trumpet

HOSTED BY WiseGuy&Gaston

$10 W/FLYER $12 W/OUT
10PM third sat of every month

Take a peek.

Luck of McGrupp

Like a good McCatholic I must pay homage to my McAlkie heritage and let everyone know that today is St. Patrick's Day. That's when all of America proudly celebrates Irish heritage, binge drinking, the color green, and getting totally plowed at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Of course that's what Irish people normally call... Thursday.

Here's the best explanation of the "Luck of the Irish"...

"The luck of the Irish" means good luck. People use it when a person of Irish descent inexplicably beats the odds. (Beating the odds isn't inexplicable, it just looks that way, but it surprises observers.) My guess about its origin: the idea that the Irish people have suffered so many misfortunes that it's a miracle whenever something comes out right for them, and it can only be explained by being blessed with an inherited form of good luck.

Well, shit. I'm definitely heading to the tables on Party Poker and see if the Irish genes pay off for something other than a disposition for liver cancer.

Luck is a very fickle subject. Much like love, luck has driven plenty of people crazy and driven others to success. On my way home the other night, there was a homeless guy walking around on the subway with just pants on at 3am. They looked like a pair of Old Navy cargo pants. He was barefoot and shirtless. He asked people for food, money, clothing, or shoes. It's still winter here in the big city and he looked like he was freezing. Snot was hanging off his nose and upper lip. He would get on his knees and beg in front of the passengers... one by one. I would have given him some cash, but all I had were big bills. I am such a pompous asshole. I couldn't break a hundred or fifty dollar bill and opted not to donate to his cause. I probably should have given him the rest of my poker bankroll. That would have improved all my karma ten fold. But I'm a greedy bastard. It's a fucked up world we live in somedays. It's good that I get those in-your-face reminders that we're all one turn of the card away from total depravity. And that deep down, I'll always be a selfish prick who only cares about himself.

Did I learn anything about that encounter? After a brief wave of self-examination, I felt guilty but that quickly subsided becuase I chalked up the homeless guy's situation to luck. He didn't have any... and I had a ton. Most days, I feel that I'm the luckiest guy in the world. That's why I will be hitting the tables on Party Poker to pad the bankroll. I will also play in a WSoP satellite on Poker Stars... to ride the lucky streak that my Irish ancestry has passed along.


Of course, today is also the start of March Madness and the college basketball tournament. Thanks to everyone who joined my pool. It is going to be an exciting tournament. My favorite team is also one of the teams that Vegas likes... North Carolina. This time of year is a total rush. One week from today, I'll be in Las Vegas, surfing the wave of luck, insobriety, and utter madness while gambling on the games at the sports book in Mandalay Bay. For now, I'll have one eye on the TV and the will be watching my hole cards.

Good luck at the tables today and tonight. May the road rise to meet you and I hope you spike your two outer on the river to scoop a monster pot!

The Horseshoe

I had another freelance aticle published recently on Benny Binion and The Horsehsoe Casino. Take a peek.

Tuesday Link Dump: Goatfuckers, Jessica Alba, Gang Green Goes to Court, and Pizza for Potheads

Man arrested for sex with uncle's goat is another story about a lonely man, and his love for a goat.

Pizza delivery driver held on drug charges is something that makes every pothead chuckle. Do you want 1/4 or an 1/8 with that Pepperoni pie? I guess we can file this one under... Only in Kentucky!

Jets Sue Cablevision is something I like to hear. Get those fuckers Gang Green...

Whitney Museum Expansion is a non-issue for 99.9% of you, but I know it's sensitive subject for someone I know.

How about some Jessica Alba pictures? You can thank me later.

Pauly Pic of the Day


Took this in the subway station despite the MTA's ban!

The Pauly-Boy Genius IM Excerpt of the Day

Pauly: "Why do you call Boy Genius... Bobby Flay?"

BG: who said that?

BG: ban them

BG: they shall never read your writings again

Pauly: most popular question people asked me in the last 24 hours

Pauly: that... and "Can you spare some change?"

BG: heh

Pauly: i like natalie merchants voice

BG: i do too

BG: now if her nose wasn't shaped as if she were perfectly suited for uprooting truffles...

Greatest TV Theme Songs



See for yourself... the Top 100.

The Tao fo Pauly's Top 5...
1. The Jeffersons
2. Good Times
3. Sanford & Son
4. Three's Company
5. Cheers

Bobby Flay = Boy Genius



Here's what BG said on his blog yesterday:

By the way, Pauly has dubbed me "The Bobby Flay of Poker Bloggers," which amuses the ever living shit out of me. I guess if I can dub Al "America's Wingman," and call Pauly "America's Favorite Amateur Pharmacist," then I guess I'm fair game too. Anyway, I'd like to think the Bobby Flay comment refers to my ability to take a topic and spin it, like Bobby takes Southwestern cuisine and flops it on its ear. Actually, it probably just comes because I enjoy food an awful, awful lot.

Well, hot damn!

Ivy League Party Poker and the Bloggers Tourney

Ante Up at Dear Old Princeton: Online Poker Is a Campus Draw appeared in the Education section of the NY Times. Here's a bit:

Mr. Sandberg, 22, of Alexandria, Va., mostly splits his time between Princeton University, where he is a senior and a politics major, and Atlantic City, where he plays high-stakes poker in his black hooded sweatshirt and dark aviator shades.

Since September, he says, he has won $120,000, including $30,000 in Atlantic City and $90,000 playing at PartyPoker.com, a popular online casino that says it is "licensed and regulated by the government of Gibraltar." Those claims are backed up by his financial records.

Yeah, baby! I remember last year around this time, that my mother would inquire why I kept getting Fed Ex envelopes addressed from Gibraltar. I do most of my banking in Gibraltar!

Well, if the NY Times said it... then it must be true. Party Poker is a fucking gold mine! I dunno why you are not playing on that site. Download the software today and use my bonus code to get extra cash!



Full Tiltdom on Full Tilt

"Gambling is what made this country great, kids!" - Clark W. Griswald, Vegas Vacation

It was another wild Sunday night with bloggers on Full Tilt. I expected 50 players max. for a H.O.R.S.E. tourney with plenty of hijinks. When I saw almost 90, I knew my chances were slim to none that I'd make the money. Oh well, just have fun, right? I spent some time yesterday and today showing Derek how to play Razz and starting hand requirements for Seven-card Stud. I funded his account at the last moment. His laptop was in the shop getting fixed too all week. He just got it back in time to download Full Tilt, get a quick tutorial, and play some H.O.R.S.E..

As expected, I never lasted past Level 9. I busted out on a over-aggressive move in a Seven-card Stud level. At least it was a good run and I outlasted BG, the Bobby Flay of poker bloggers, to win my entry fee back. For our weekly prop bet we threw down $5 on a "last longer" bet. I was victorious and picked up $10 today after The Pope left the hospital in good shape for guy who's been on his deathbed more than Corey Feldman's career. Two weeks ago we gambled on what day the Pope was going to die and BG picked March 10-12. I know, I know... we're batch of bad Catholics. And maybe that's why I failed to make the money in a sanctioned blogger event in like over a year! I bubbled out in Vegas at the Holiday Classic. Maybe I need to improve upon my poker karma and do some more praying to Ganesha to get my poker game and a better balance with nature. Or start praying to St. Patrick for some old fashioned Irish luck to come my way in a few days.


Ganesha

By the way, if I had four arms, I'd be playing with myself all day.

So, I've been playing on Full Tilt for about a week getting accustomed to all the little things about the site that make it cool, different, weird, freaky, sometimes annoying, and overall down right kick ass. I've tripled my buy-in on the passive NL tables after putting a tiny amount of money into my account. I sent Derek a few bucks and blew most of my profits on multi-table tournaments like Razz, Omaha, and NL of course.

I felt confident in my abilities to play every game. My only problem would be patience. The changing format every ten minutes helped keep me in check. I focused better than any other blogger event. Perhaps it was the Grateful Dead bootleg (5.9.77 Buffalo, NY) or the fact I knew I had to concentrate on everyone's cards in Stud, Razz, and Stud 8.

The Cast of Characters

Seat 1: Dr. Pauly... our hero is a mild manner writer from New York City with a penchant for blondes, Northern California Sensimilla, and proposition gambling. He's a Virgo and his favorite Beatle is: Ringo.

Seat 2: The Poker Nerd... from the warm and Sunny state of Florida, our favorite SNGer is looking to make the money in another WPBT event.

Seat 3: ArthurPDent... He is the sworn enemy of G-Rob and resides in G-Vegas, South Carolina.

Seat 4: Jimmy19... He'd go on to make the final table. We cannot confirm nor deny his affiliation with the CIA or any other alphabet government agencies.

Seat 5: Iggy... The two time amateur Whiffle Ball champion from Cincinnati, Ohio was a lock for the 1988 Olympic team if it weren't for that unfortunate accident with the curling iron and vat of vasoline. The scars have since healed and Iggy is looking to prevail in another one of his blogger events.

Seat 6: Matt Stephans... The drunk from Austin, Texas is a man of mystery. He is a loyal blog reader and took third place in the Pauly's Pub Football Pool edging out Haley & Jenna on the last day of the season! 3 is a good number for Matt.

Seat 7: Shill... He's a former Vietnam veteran and a reader/blogger from Michigan/California/Texas who works as a programmer/patent attorney/proctologist by day and plays pot limit Omaha in the backroom of a bowling alley by night. He has one/2.5/three kids and a dog named Fido/Hunter/Blackberry.

Seat 8: Smak... He's a reader/blogger from Arizona/Tennessee/Illinois/Canada who works as a fork lift operator/kindergarten teacher/trout fisherman by day and gambles on the ponies and penny stocks on the Tokyo Stock exchange during the late night hours.

93 players in all for a $465 prize pool. Winner got $139. Top 16 places paid. To read more visit... the Tao of Poker. I came in 46th place. Derek took 10th and made the money!

Diary for Sale

Thanks to Al Cant Hang for this gem.

Last 5 Books I Saw People Reading on the Subway...
1. Oliver Twist by David Copperfield
2. Conspiracy of Fools: A True Story by Kurt Eichenwald
3. New York City Travel Guide by Frommers
4. The Forgotten Man by Robert Crais
5. Framework for Understanding Poverty by Ruby K. Payne

The Cable Guy, Saturday Poker, Wil Wheaton, and the Ides of March Madness

I had another freelance article published this weekend. It's a player profile on Doyle "Texas Dolly" Brunson. Check it out. I have contributed seven profiles to date. I have good news: the webmaster at Professional-Poker.com offered me a 33% raise per article/profile. That was pretty cool of him to do. It looks like this will be steady work for at least the next two months, possibly more.

I'm expecting to write a few freelance items over the next few days before the March Madness Tournament begins on Thursday and the life and routine I have become accustomed to the last 6 or 7 weeks comes to a screeching halt. I also have to find time to finish editing and then publish the next issue of Truckin'. All the stories are picked for this issue and it looks like it's going to be a strong issue featuring two new writers. Boy Genius, the Bobby Flay of poker bloggers, returns with one of his best submissions!

Once college basketball starts, I don't move for days and I'm fixated on watching the teams I bet on. Anyway, I have a couple of player profiles I'd like to get done ASAP since I'm off to Vegas soon and won't have time to write when I'm out there. Plus when I get back, I'm always inspired by my time in Sin City and bursting with fruit flavor. Maybe it's the lack of sleep or the recycled oxygen. I wanna get all those stories down right away and post my trip reports on my gambling adventures onto my poker blog. If you add the fact that I'm going with Senor this time... then you know I'm going to have my hands full getting all of our late night misadventures down on paper.

Cable Guy?

My mother's cable is fucked up and I had to call Cablevision for her on Friday. That corporation is ruining everything in New York City. They jacked up cable rates. Those asswizards fucked over both the Yankees and Mets. They ruined the Knicks and Rangers franchises... and ran Patrick Ewing out of town Now they are jerking the Jets around and possibly costing NYC, and America for that matter, a bid at the 2012 Olympics. Without a new West Side football stadium (and a suitcase full of Euros, a box of Fidel's favorite cigars, and a 17 year-old hooker with power suction of two industrial strength Hoovers) the snail-eating freaks at the IOC won't even consider the Big Apple for a future Olympic venue. All because one rich guy is being a major pain in the ass. This lunacy is a result of a pissing match between several of the richest men in America, all with severe insecurities problems and attachment issues. Steinbrenner and Dolan went heads up over the YES TV debacle a few years ago. Now Mayor Bloomberg and dipshit Dolan are flapping their dicks in the wind. And yes, we're all getting pissed on.

Maybe I should move to Las Vegas where the politicians are crooked in the Old Wild West kind of way, where they shoot first and ask questions later. Too bad Mayor Bloomberg and the Dolans didn't take out their feud gansta rap style. I'd love to see Dolan's fat ass get taken out in front of a Popeye's.



Back to the cable guy... I waited at my Mom's apartment on a Sunday of all days. It was one of those all-day appointments from 8am to 6pm. Man, that really sucks because you know he's gonna show up at 5:10pm. My Mom is not comfortable being alone with strangers in the apartment. I can't blame her.

After being up late working on a freelance article about Binion's Horseshoe casino and watching Derek play in a poker tournament (story to follow), I woke up early and waited for the cable guy. I couldn't use the imternet because the cable guy was supposed to call to inform us when he'd be stopping by. I fucked up and should have given Cablevision my cell phone. It was too late to get them that info... the work order was already printed up and blah blah blah. Even if I had gotten to them in time, I'm sure those slave-waged employees would have fucked it up anyway. I feel for them. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes and have to say everyday, "Why bust my ass if I'm getting royally fucked over by a rich asshole who paid me jack shit to listen to a bunch of angry New Yorkers bitch and moan when their cable is out."

By 11am, I read three chapters in a book on poker tournament strategy by Dan Harrington, ate a heavily buttered English Muffin, and watched Meet the Press. Condi Rice said "on the record" that she had no intentions on running for President. All week long, poli pundits were banging their drums like acid-crazied neo-hippies at Burning Man. Like bloodthirsty vultures circling over a fresh corpse, they called for a Condi Rice vs. Hillary Clinton matchup for 2008. In some ways I love to see that happen. Condi has spunk and you know Hillary was secretly praying that Bubba died under the knife so she could ride the "grieving widow" theme all the way to the White House.

By Noon, I drank a Snapple Iced Tea and moved onto another book and read a few pages from On Writing Well by William Zissner. The chapter on Interviews was particularly interesting. By 1:30 the cable guy showed up.

Gambling Junkie

On Saturday, I had one of those up and down days at the poker table. I played on Four different websites (with servers and support staff spread out over a half a dozen countries). By the time you woke up on Saturday, I was already in the hole on Party Poker. I made two sketchy plays and lost to a few clowns who got lucky. I definitely felt I was the best player at the table. Instead of walking away and cutting my losses, I held my ground. I fought my way back and finished a few bucks above even! That was a wild run and it was still early in the day.

Saturday afternoon was ugly, like boil-on-your-ass ugly. I played on Check and Raise, a Canadian site, and was outdrawn by a few lucky Canucks. Brutal is a poor description of what happened. Imagine getting kicked in the nuts six times within an hour by a fresh-out-of-rehab Courtney Love. That's what it almost felt like, except you lose money too.

Early evening, I had an awesome run on Full Tilt. I ended up at the same table as a guy who regularly reads my poker blog. Matt even participated in my football pool and took 3rd this year. It's always weird when I'm recognized for being "that poker blogger." It's cool for sure. But sometimes it's just odd. That's why I usually play incognito on other websites. On Full Tilt, my screen name pretty much gives away that it's me. I doubled up my buy-in and my overall loss was cut in half.



Derek signed for a tournament on Poker Stars. The top 200 players won seats into the Qualifier. If you win the Qualifier, then you get a $10,000 seat into this year's World Series of Poker. Well, he outlasted over 1500 players in the first round and won a seat to the Qualifier. There were over 500 players in that event with almost a $50,000 prize pool! The top four places would win seats to the World Series of Poker. Derek ended up coming in 220th place int he biggest tournament he's ever played in. He almost turned $66 into $11,000. When I get back from Vegas, I'm going to try a few of those. While I watched, I played and ended up down $2. Four poker sites in one day. Not too shabby.

Recent Poker Playing Music...
1. Phish
2. Jack Johnson
3. Mavis Staples
4. Wes Montgomery
5. Velvet Underground

Wil's CSI Adventures

Wil Wheaton has a few interesting posts about his recent bit on CSI. I was pretty excited for the guy. He was pumped too and wrote up a few entries about his gig.

"I haven't been this excited to see something I did since the first screening of Stand By Me."

I recommend you read Just a Geek and Dancing Barefoot which shares tales about being a child actor. Man, that gets such a bad rap in Hollyweird. I wonder what Lindsay Lohan will be like in 10 years? Wait... I know... she'll become Tara Reid. So wait, what will Tara Reid become in 10 years? Anna Nicole Smith? What can I say, the rolling hills of Hollyweird are filled with cokehead starlets, boozing with bad boob jobs, botched botox injections, and enough collagen to kill several baby elephants?

The Pope Lives, Pauly Wins $5!

The Pope left the hospital today and that sealed the victory for me in my weekly prop bet with Boy Genius.

We are also betting on tonight's Poker Bloggers tourament. Who ever lasts longer wins $5. Wish me luck and good cards!

The Ides of March



This is my favorite time of year. It's time for the 5th Annual Pauly's Pub March Madness Pool. You pick the winners in the upcoming College Basketball Tournament and you can walk away with cash and bragging rights! Just ask Joe Moore, everyone's favorite bond trader. He's been boasting about his 2004 win everyday in the past year.

Cost: $10 per entry
Prizes: Top 4 places pay
Bonus Prize 1: Last Place gets a "Boob" prize
Bonus Prize 2: Round 1 Leader
Bonus Prize 3: Best Team Name
Link: ESPN March Madness Pool

You must email me to get the Group Name and Password. There will be a max of 50, so this is first come first served.

DEADLINE: By Thursday morning... March 17th. Tip off for the first game is Noon on this Thursday. So sign up today.

Sign Up: If you do not have an ESPN Fantasy account, sign up for one here.

If you have an account, all you have to do is log in and create a team name. Make sure you email me to get specific information on my group name and password.

Payment Details: $10 is due ASAP. Not two weeks from now... today. If you don't pay by the time I get back from Vegas, you will be disqualified. You have two options... 1. Send me cash via snail mail. (Email me for my mailing address) or 2. You can transfer $10 to my Poker Stars account. My screen name is: DrPauly. Please email me to confirm how you will be paying. Send your payments as soon as you sign up, that way you won't forget.

Prizes: The overall winner will get at least 40% of the total prize pool. After I see how people enter, I can tell you the exact payout structure. If you are leading after the first round, you will win a bonus prize (non-cash but still cool). Last place gets made fun of on my blog and will get something from Las Vegas for your futile efforts. The Best Team name is my favorite category! A pool of non-participants will select the top 5 or 6 names and then you can vote for the best name on my websites. Winner gets something cool. Stay tuned for more info on that.

Payouts: I will mail you cash/check within 7-10 days of the championship game. Or if you prefer, I can transfer your winnings to your Poker Stars or Party Poker account to you serious degenerate gamblers out there. That can be done within 3-5 days of the final game.

Last year's winners:
1. Joe Moore
2. Ang
3. Coach
4. Pauly

Previous winners:
2004 Joe Moore
2003 Pauly
2002 Derek
2001 Senor

Every second counts. Every free throw is crucial. Who is going to be the Cinderella team this year? Which big time coach is going to win his first Championship? Which 18 year-old freshman will choke? Which senior will bust his ass, impress the scouts, and have his NBA stock rise? Will the hoops pundits win this pool, or will someone's secretary pick Bucknell to go all the way... and win? Stay tuned to find out. The games are on CBS starting this Thursday. The Championship Game is on Monday April 4th. Check Local listings.

Best of luck. If you have any question, feel free to ask.

Pics of the Day


I took this on the subway on Thursday. It is an ad for The Simpsons.



This is my brother's fire escape.

Required Reading & Sunday Morning Link Dump

Here's a cool pic of some place I know I'll never get to see with my own two eyes.

This is scary, since kidnapping is one of the biggest crimes in Latin, Central, and South America. Fear Drives Rivera to Move Family is a compelling read about NY Yankees closer Mo Rivera's decision to reloacte his loved ones after his $10 Million yearly salary was recently published in the newspapers.

Top Celebrities You Don't Wanna Be Told You Look Like... is from Ari Goes Down. Thanks to Briana for the heads up on this old, but hilarious post.

New Fantastic Four Pictures Released... made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. How yummy is Jessica Alba? Speaking of... Jessica Alba.

Thanks to Sarah B. who sent me this hilarious Craig's List ad... Seriously? You are getting married? I hadn't heard.

And since we're on Craig's List, how about this gem... Jesus wants you to fuck me.

Back to the War on Terror... did you know that Al Qaeda wanted to kidnap Russelll Crowe in an attempt to destablized the West! What were the gonna do... force him to make a sequel to The Quick and the Dead staring Sharon Stone of course.

Thanks to Jenna for this letter to Go Ask Alice... My boyfriend urinated in me while having sex. Oooops. Well fuck, I have to post the entire question, because it just too damn funny:

My boyfriend urinated in me while having sex. He has done it twice now in the past week. Both times we had woken up in the middle of the night to have sex. He said I was the one who urinated. But the second time this occurred, he pulled out for a brief moment and urinated on me even more (so I know that it was him). It was not a whole lot, but enough to get the sheets fairly wet. I am concerned because he says he would have felt it and he would have stopped if it was him. This is causing embarrassing and extremely uncomfortable situations for us. I am now afraid to have sex with him because if it happens again, it will cause a fight between us because he believes it's me, but I know it is him. I cannot urinate inside myself. Does he have a problem, is this going to be a continuous thing, and what can I do to help prevent it, if at all possible?

Help us, please!

Oh my, I can go so many places with this nugget, but I'll just let it stand on its own. Alas, sweetie... if he pisses in you again... shit on his chest.

Pieces of Pauly

What did I eat in the last 24 hours? Lasanga for lunch. Bacon on a buttered English Muffin for breakfast. Two red beans and rice burritos for dinner last night. I'm sure there was some coffee cake in there as well and a Snapple iced tea.

Young Christo

Alex from Prom on Mars has a new comic... Young Christo. Check it out! Here's what the PR release said:

The new webcomic "Young Christo" makes it debut this week at youngchristo.com. "Young Christo" takes a humorous look at the early years of an artistic genius that no one understands.

"He's all about art...and frustration," says Alex Bernstein, creator of the webcomic. "You see it right in the first strip. He starts out as just sort of a normal kid and then - BAM - he has an artistic vision of the world and there's no turning back, for better or worse. It's kind of sad, but also pretty funny...in an excruciatingly painful way."

Of course the big question is, is "Young Christo" based on the real-life Christo?

"The strip and character were certainly inspired by the blinding, unwavering passion of the real Christo," say Bernstein. "And there are a few references. But essentially he's every misunderstood, young artist who puts their heart into their work and gets a lot of grief and little or no reward for their efforts. It could just as easily have been Young Vincent Van Gogh."

And Young Christo certainly experiences his share of grief. Just four strips into the run he lands in jail for artistically toilet-papering a neighbor's house, a comedic play on the "real" Christo's projects involving wrapping famous buildings.

Are The Gates next?

"Young Christo" is the third long-running webcomic by Bernstein, following "Prom on Mars" a retro-future space opera, which ended it's two-year run in October, 2004 and "Total Losers" which continues to run alongside "Young Christo" at promonmars.com.

Fans can find "Young Christo" at youngchristo.com or promonmars.com.

For more information, please contact prdept@promonmars.com.

Good luck, Alex!

Early Morning IMs

Here are some excerpts from conversations I had this morning while playing cards on Party Poker:

AlCantHang: perfect combination of "look at my cans" and "I'm a retard"
AlCantHang: (check out this link) JessicaSimpson pic
Pauly: Jessica Simpson makes the list..
Pauly: "Top 10 Chicks Id like to doink..
Pauly: but never talk to afterwards" category
AlCantHang: talk? the only talking i like is telling her to grab a towel or i'm gonna use the curtains

BG: hmm... lunch choices, i could go out
BG: or
BG: the cafeteria has taco bar today
Pauly: wendys
BG: tell AlCantHang "i heard you had a meat roll in your mouth last night"

Briana: im depressed
Pauly: what's wrong buttercup? break a nail?
Briana: two but thats not why fuckface
Pauly: are u gonna tell me or
Pauly: do i have to beat it outta ya
Pauly: IKE TURNER style and all
Briana: keep making jokes funnyman
Briana: otherwise i revoke your muffdiving license

It's a wonder I actually won money this morning, with all these welcomed distractions!

The best news of the day... AlCantHang booked us a suite in Las Vegas for the next blogger event in June! Oh man... Derek, Me, the Hangs... and Iggy passed out in our bathtub. Can't wait for June. Alas, I leave for my March Vegas trip in 12 or 13 days...

Friday's 4:20am Link Dump

Slick Willy is out of surgery. He'll be up popping Viagra and eating donuts in no time! If I could put together a shortlist of people I'd eat donuts with... shit, let's have a quick List of 5...

Top 5 People I'd Go Donut-Store Hopping With...
1. AlCantHang
2. Homer Simpson
3. Bill Clinton
4. Don Koharski
5. John Goodman

Cause you know, John Goodman likes a good donut. And bonus points to anyone who picks up on the Koharski reference.

How about some semen-related humor in honor of Bill Clinton and donuts? Idaho teen sends other student semen frosted brownies. Nice. Is that the Couer D'Alene Special Sauce I've been hearing about?

And some poor dad got busted by The Man for helping his little buttercup sell Girl Scout cookies. What has the world come to? We have members of Al Qaeda living among us and rings of thugish organ thieves prowling our streets and the federalies are busting Girl Scouts.

Ok enough cum and donut jokes. Here's some Thomas Friedman to balance things out. Tea Party in Beirut is a must read for you politico junkies.

I've Always Been a Walking Cartoon...



Check out this link to create your own South Park version of yourself. Thanks to April for the link.

Last 5 Books I Saw People Reading on the Subway...
1. French Women Don't Get Fat by Mireille Guiliano
2. Night Fall by Nelson DeMille
3. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
4. Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety by Judith Warner
5. The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

Watching Wil

Don't forget to watch CSI on Thursday night at 9pm EST on CBS. Check your local listings. Wil Wheaton is the guest star in this week's episode. Here's what he wrote on his blog:

After my episode airs, I'll be able to write in a lot more detail about the specifics of filming it, and comment on how the final cut reflects and differs from what we shot.

Check it out. I've only seen CSI once before. The only reason I'm watching is to check out Wil's performance as a crazy homeless dude.

Recent Google Referrals in the Last 24 Hours...
1. How to remove vaseline stains from a comforter
2. Scarlet Johansen nipples
3. Burlington Vermont taxi driver
4. London brothels
5. Down with Disease Coventry video

Frigid Wednesday

I'm trying to think warm thoughts. It's not working. If I knew it was going to be this cold... I would have waited until this week to go to Miami!

I have been busy doing a lot of random stuff this past week. I have been watching as much college basketball as I can, in order to scout out teams that I think will make the Sweet 16. Damn, March Madness is starting in less than eight days. It couldn't come sooner. I am a college hoops junkie.

I completed five freelance articles in the last week out of the ten or so that I was contracted to work on for the month of March. Damn, I cranked out five in less than nine days. I think that's somewhat impressive. I also expect to have a sixth one completed by Saturday. Make sure you check out the player profile on Amarillo Slim that I wrote. It's one of my favorite pieces that I have submitted to date. Plus, Amarillo Slim is one whacked out character! Take a look for yourself.

I completed a short story for the next issue of Truckin'. It feels so good not to have to write three stories a month! I've been lucky. I actually have writers wanting to submit their work which frees me up to spend more time trying to get the word out about Truckin'. I am also excited for a upcoming adventure to Las Vegas with Senor since that place seems to inspire me as much as any city in the world. Plus, there's not a better background to set stories than in Las Vegas. Man... I can't wait to go. Senor and I are going to raise hell.

I've been playing a lot more poker tournaments online in the past week. I came in 11th in one and missed the final table by one spot! I also took 27th out of 70 in one on Monday night. Yesterday afternoon I came in 29th out of 170 playing in a Million Dollar Qualifier satellite on Party Poker. I blew it too. I was in 10th place at one point and played perfect poker for two hours when I blew it on a bonehead move. Oh well. There's a big blogger tournament coming up on Sunday. That's always fun.

Two close friends of mine recently finished reading my latest novel... Gumbo. I always feel a little weird when I have "the conversation" with a reader, especially someone who I am very close to. My novels are very revealing and I let loose a lot of intimate details. Anyway, both friends loved it... and I know that they are being kind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want my friends to read my work... but there's a part of me that only wants technical feedback... a spelling error here or syntax error there... for example. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't have to say anything about my work. Everything I wanted to say is on the pages.

That's it for now. I have to go write some more before Briana buys me lunch.

Some Kind Words

I surfed a few poker blogs in the last hour or so. I came across Go Be Rude. He had some nice things to say about me... in a post where he talks about his favorite blogs:

Pauly falls into the category of great writer too, but there is no lack in the Poker area either. Actually Pauly is a FANTASTIC writer, and I feel like I am STEALING when I get to read his stuff for free. Someday he will get all his stuff published in book form, and I will be able to say (along with the other THRONGS of readers he has) that I read all that stuff as it happened.

Wow. Thanks Rude! You da man!

Tuesday Snowstorms

It was 60 plus degrees yesterday and it felt like summer was finally over. Now it's 25 degrees and snowing. Not much fun, eh? I'm counting the hours until I get on my flight to Las Vegas. 390 hours. And it couldn't come sooner.

Boy Genius had a few random things to say on his blog about our upcoming trip in June. Here's what he wrote:

Is it time for Vegas yet? Actually, if you want to be really depressed by the whole circumstance, it’s exactly 2,112 hours until I’ll be on a plane on my way out of Detroit Metro heading West to the happiest place on earth. Of course, I’ve never been to a Bangkok brothel, Amsterdam, or the Neverland Ranch. Still, Vegas is… well, it’s fucking Vegas alright? What’s better than Vegas?

2,126 hours from now I’ll be up $40 playing blackjack. Bob, on the other hand, will either be up or down $400. Either way, Al’s got him drunk and he’s talking trash to an Asian blackjack dealer:

Bob: Are you Chinese or Japanese?
Dealer: I’m from Thailand, sir.
Bob: Yeah, but is that in China or Japan?

2,128 hours from now, Pauly and Derek will have talked me into a two drink minimum (featuring $14 bottled beer) at the neighboring Glitter Gulch strip joint.

2,128.75 hours from now Pauly, Derek, and I will emerge from Glitter Gulch feeling as used as the AARP cards half those strippers are packing.

God bless Vegas strip clubs!

Moving on... Citizen Thompson is an interesting item off of The Smoking Gun which includes the Pitkin County Sheriff's Office report detailing Hunter S. Thompson's suicide.

Speaking of Hunter, check out this gem... an old interview with Hunter by Marty Beckerman.

I have to get back to writing something that I've been putting off. I played in a poker tournament this afternoon when I should have been working!

Recent Writing Music...
1. Wes Montgomery and Jimmy Smith
2. Junior Brown
3. Galactic
4. Mike Gordon with Marco Benevento & Joe Russo
5. Traffic