Tao of Pauly

11 Q's: October Edition

It's back! You asked the questions, and I finally answered them! Sit back and enjoy the October Edition of 11 Q's!

1. What is your favorite vice?
2. If you saw a kid in the park being attacked by killer African bees, would you help him?
3. Have you ever stolen anything? If so, what was the most expensive item you've pilfered?
4. If you had an unlimited budget and could go to any restaurant in America for dinner, where would you go, what would you order, and who would you take with you?
5. How does Pauly survive on no sleep and a liquid diet? Men have been trying to do this for years, but to no avail. What's your secret?
6. Do you think the world will be a better or worse place 100 years from now?
7. What is your take on Nick and Jessica's MTV reality show - The Newlyweds? Is Jessica Simpson really that stupid?
8. Is there anything better than finding a new pizza place with awesome pizza?
9. What was your most satisfying experience with drugs?
10. Would you like to know the precise date of your death?
11. If 100 people were chosen at random, how many more do you feel would be leading a more satisfying life than you?

And now the answers...

1. What is your favorite vice? - Derek, NYC

Gambling. No doubt. Writing too. I consider that more of a passion and a true calling, but in general terms, I see how it’s a vice for me. I love to gamble. The best part about working on Wall Street was that I got paid to gamble… with other’s people’s money. The financial markets the last few years were trickier than playing blackjack Las Vegas, except when you lose all your money in the stock market you don’t get any free drinks. I like to break down my gambling into three aspects: Stock Market, Sports Wagering, and Poker. In the last year I have been what you call a loser. I got hammered in the stock market. Although I did fairly well on gambling on the college basketball tournament, I am down for the year in sports betting. And just recently, after I built up a mediocre bankroll that I won playing poker in casinos all over America… I had lost it all trying to get into the World Poker Finals at Foxwoods. Back to square one. Do not fear, I’ll be back in Vegas in December!


2. If you saw a kid in the park being attacked by killer African bees, would you help him? - Gil, Brooklyn, NY

Most likely no. I would definitely go home and blog the incident, perhaps write a short story exploiting the young man’s anguish and pain for my own personal literary musings. Besides, they are “killer bees”. Why would I risk my life for a random kid? Where’s his parents? Who lets their kids run amuck in the park, while there is a swarm of killer bees?


3. Have you ever stolen anything? If so, what was the most expensive item you've pilfered? - Armando, Sao Paulo, Brazil

Of course. I’ve robbed dozens of people when I worked on Wall Street. Gotta love white collar crime. I cannot say how much, but I got to eat nice sushi a lot and I got my shoes shined everyday. Then there was the time I stole a woman away from her boyfriend. And without a doubt, she was priceless. You can’t put a price tag, nor a fair monetary amount on the value of a woman who leaves their current relationship to be with you.


4. If you had an unlimited budget and could go to any restaurant in America for dinner, where would you go, what would you order, and who would you take with you? - Skippy, Tampa, FL

I would take twelve vegans and six Hindus to Peter Lugar’s steakhouse here in NYC. I would eat six porterhouse steaks with bacon on the side, making sure I make “Mooooo-ing” sounds and kept my mouth opened when I chewed. I would drag four lactose intolerant people to the Cheesecake Factory in Philadelphia. I would find ten people recently recovering from stomach stapling surgery, and make them go to the “all you can eat breakfast buffet” at Shoney’s in Macon, Georgia. I would take a busload of kids, who are allergic to peanuts, and treat them to Samui Happy Thai Palace in Seattle for dinner.


5. How does Pauly survive on no sleep and a liquid diet? Men have been trying to do this for years, but to no avail. What's your secret? - Jessica, Jersey City, NJ

Sheer will power. The no sleep is not something I particulary want. I wish I could stay asleep, but without the assistance of heavy zoo-like tranquailizers (the ones they use on rhinos and elephants) I'm lucky to get 4 or 5 hours max a night. The liquid diet is an excuse to watch sports on TV. If I go to a bar and have a drink, and if the TV is on, well shit, I usually have no choice but to sit and watch. Either way, booze makes ignorning the commercials a little more easier.


6. Do you think the world will be a better or worse place 100 years from now? - Edgar, Thunder Bay, Canada

That depends if we Americans invade Canada and make them our 51st state. We could use the oil and natural gas reserves, plus our homegrown ice hockey players have not been as good of a crop as they used to. But to seriously answer your question, for the Top 1% in the world, they will find 2103 to be a better place. With advances in technology, science, and medicine, they will lead lives that we can only peek at in science fiction novels and films. However, for the rest of the world, all 99% of them, which would be 12 Billion people by 2100 (the world’s population is expected to double), poverty and disease will run rampant in the third world, where overcrowding has grown to epidemic proportions (India, China, Brazil, Nigeria). The scary part is that half of them will be members of Islam, mostly all peaceful, but some will be influenced by their dangerous fanatical leaders, reading to stomp out the Western world like a dirty cockroach in my kitchen.


7. What is your take on Nick and Jessica's MTV reality show - The Newlyweds? Is Jessica Simpson really that stupid? - Haley, NYC

I must confess something. My name is Pauly and I am a compulsive gambler, alcoholic, drug addict… who enjoys watching Newlyweds. I know. I should be shot. I think I lose IQ points every time I watch MTV, so I make sure I read 2 hours of Shakespeare and Dostoevsky for every hour of MTV watched. And to defend Jessica, I don’t think she is that stupid. I mean, I know she won’t be appearing on Celebrity Jeopardy anytime soon, but I don’t expect her to performing brain surgery. If she said stupid shit all the time, there would be more “sound bites” of her dim-witted remarks. Alas, after hours and hours of film footage, the directors and producers spliced it down to a couple of idiotic remarks (about the tuna fish and the buffalo wings, etc.). Blondes do have some brains. But MTV is continuing to portray the stereotype for ratings, just like how COPS always shows black guys, without a t-shirts, getting chased down by a couple of deputies.


8. Is there anything better than finding a new pizza place with awesome pizza? - Jerry, Miami, FL

Not really. Sometimes you stumble upon places and they surprise you. It’s sad because it some parts of America, the best pizza around is Domino’s or Pizza Hut. People outside of NYC and Chicago are suffering. In California and in Seattle, they put too many toppings on there that don’t make sense to me. Broccoli? Carrots? Peas? Huh? In Tokyo, I ate a slice of pizza with corn, ham and potato wedges on it. In Amsterdam, I ate pizza with spicy spam, which gave me an upset stomach two days. Give me Italian Sausage and Pepperoni any day of the week.


9. What was your most satisfying experience with drugs? - Monica B., NYC

Dropping acid and writing these answers. Actually, I’m just kidding. I’m flying high on Oxycontin and Jack Daniels (Rush Limbaugh’s favorite mixer). OK, to be honest, the first time I dropped acid and saw the Grateful Dead… everything clicked. Unless you’ve been there, you have no idea what I’m talking about. The world made sense to me, and I finally understood my significance in it. Dropping acid at Graceland was interesting. But sometimes, the most satisfying experiences were on random days, when I was struggling to stay above water, on days when I felt like I was drowning in the ocean of life, and a toke, a hit, a bump, a pinch… soothed the raging winds whirling around inside me on those dark days, and I was able to get to the next day. Those are highly under rated moments.


10. Would you like to know the precise date of your death? - Senor, Providence, Rhode Island

No way. That would mean that I have 0% control over things in life, to know my time of death, yet have no power to change that. But if I did, I would borrow as much money as I could and blow it all on parties and good causes.


11. If 100 people were chosen at random, how many more do you feel would be leading a more satisfying life than you? - Rachel, NYC

One. I am fortunate to be a part of the Top 1% in this world, with instant access to money, education, health, and freedom. I sit at top of the big pile of shit we refer to as humanity, while 6 Billion people would be willing to trade places with me in a second. I think that there are some people who have kick ass lives, like the guy who wears the helmet camera for the Playboy Network, or Dave Atell, host of the TV show Insomniac, where he gets to drink in bars all over the world, crack jokes, and get paid to do that.