Tao of Pauly

Wednesday's Politico Roundup: Who's for Who in 2004?

I will try to devote some time every Wednesday updating the latest carnival we call the primaries leading up to the "faux election" in November. I know that Bush is going to win, but it's gonna be fun watching the Democrats scramble to put forth a worthy candidate. If I were to vote for a Democrat... I'd pick: Howard Dean. But since I'm neither a Democrat, nor a Republican... I won't be voting for either jerkoff.

Here are some interesting reads:

1. Former President (and Emory U. professor) Jimmy Carter Offers His Support for Dean.

2. Former NY Knicks legend and former NJ Senator Bill Bradley Adds Dean's Support from Democrats, which means he won't run on an independent ticket this year. He'd be a great VP! But I think in order to get Southern votes (from Bush) the Dems will add a southerner to the ticket.

3. Former Georgia Governor and current US Senator, Democrat Zell Miller is set to back Bush pissing off Southern Democrats.

4. Washed up pop star Madonna will do anything these days to get press... she kissed Britney Spears, attempted to write children books, speaks with proper English pronunciation... and now she's backing up General Wesley Clark and his run for President.

5. World Wide Dean is an article written by Jonathan V. Last from The Weekly Standard.

6. The Doctor Is In is the Rolling Stone Interview with Howard Dean, written by Jann S. Wenner & Will Dana.

7. And don't forget to visit out Howard Dean's blog: Blog for America. I wonder if he has the Tao of Pauly linked up?

Well that's it for now. I would love to get an assignment like Dr. Hunter S. Thompson had in 1972, when he was paid by Rolling Stone magazine to follow around McGovern and Nixon all over America on the campaign trail, which he chronicled in his epic book Fear & Loathing: On the Campaign Trail 1972, all the while Hunter drank like a fish, dropped LSD like they were tic-tacs, dosed Washington Post stiffs, and ran up ridiculous hotel room service and bar bills... and missed every deadline that the editors at Rolling Stone gave him!!

Who will I endorse? I might vote for fellow poker blogger: Mean Gene who announced his candidacy for President on his blog. He wants to legalize poker in all of the 50 states! That gets my vote.

Here's what Mean Gene wrote: "Richard Nixon famously financed his first Congressional campaign with money he won playing poker. While in the Navy the future Tricky Dick saw his fellow officers playing poker and was astonished at how much money was changing hands. Gambling was verboten to a Quaker like himself, but already Nixon was showing the, ah, moral flexibilty that was to haunt him later in life. He learned to play, learned to play very well, and made a bundle. He put his poker winning to use, was elected, and the rest is history (or infamy, depending on how you look at it).

Why do I bring this up? Because, my fellow poker junkies, yesterday I announced that I am a candidate for the Presidency of the United States of America. I just turned 35, making me qualified for the job, and I think it's my duty as a citizen to run for the highest office in the land. And I think it's important that a poker player have the job. Think about it--who better to stare down the Kim Jong Ils and Osama bin Ladens of the world than a guy who has capped the betting after a check-raise on the river while holding nothing better than bottom pair--and WON?

And let's face facts, the leading candidates out there wouldn't exactly intimidate you at the table. George Bush would have a cheat-sheet that lists hand rankings, and you know he'd have Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove sweating him and clearing their throats and shaking their heads every time he reached for his chips. Howard Dean? Come on, the guy is one tough hand away from tilt. Say something like, "You know, I heard Vermont is just Canada without doughnuts", or, "If Ethan Allen and the Green Mountain Boys were around today, they'd be up before the UN War Crimes Tribunal". And then sit back and wait for the steaming Governor Dean to raise you with 2-6 offsuit.

So vote for me, and I promise to bring a smart, honest, grinding attitude to the White House. Halliburton wants a multi-billion dollar contract in Iraq? Let them ante and play the game like everyone else. Some tinhorn dictator or terrorist threatens? I won't fold the hand, I'm gonna be like Scotty Nguyen and go all-in, bay-bee! Come on, be honest--wouldn't you like to see us nuke someone again? Just a little bomb, a few kilotons?

So vote for Mean Gene, and my first act as Prez will be the legalization of poker rooms in all 50 states. That's how I plan to fund my re-election campaign--I get a taste of the rake, just a taste, enough to wet my beak. I'm sure I can get more cash that way than the GOP can raise shaking down businessmen and corporations.

Mean Gene in 2004! Come on, vote for me, or else you might be facing a Phil Hellmuth candidacy in 2008."

God bless poker and God bless America.