"Who are you and why should I be talking to you?" - StaceeI promised Change100 and her roommate Showcase that I'd take them out to a fancy dinner. That was my way of saying, "Thanks!" for letting me crash with them for two weeks in Los Angeles. They picked Sushi Roku in West Hollywood where we might run into a celebrity or two speckled among the pristine eye candy that filled the posh eatery. Not only was it crawling with trendoids and flooded with Hollyweird shallowness, but it also still had some of the best sushi in town.
Before our dinner would be over, we'd get caught up in one of those random LA nights that you'd read about in a Robert Altman or P.T. Anderson screenplay. During the time it took to eat one meal, we'd see an Oscar winner, a music mogul, a cast member from Friends, and one of the dudes from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. But that's not all, we'd also get Showcase laid by a stranger who happened to be sitting at the table next to us. And yes, it was a chick who lived in Orange County.Here's what happened...
6:43pm... I woke up Change100 who had been taking a nap. Showcase smoked copious amounts of weed and folded his laundry while I sat on the couch and worked on the new template for Truckin' with Maudie.
6:44pm... Change100 crawled out of bed to smoke copious amounts of weed with Showcase while he folded his tidy whiteys.
7:11pm... We all smoked a bowl for the road.
7:16pm... I hate driving in LA and hate finding parking even more. I did Roshambo with Change100 to see who was going to drive. I won (paper over rock) and she had to drive. My rental car blocked hers in so we took mine. Showcase scheduled a rehearsal after dinner, and he drove his own car to dinner.
7:27pm... Change100 navigated a few sidestreets after taking the Showcase Shortcut to Sushi Roku. A live Trey Anastasio Band show from Chicago was on the CD player.
7:30pm... Change100 valeted my car with a guy who looked like Luis Guzman. I scoffed at the $4.50 fee and made sure I took all valuables with me. That included a lighter from Commerce Casino, my Jerry Garcia acoustic CD, and a pipe... which I shoved into my sports coat.
7:31pm... Change100 told one of the two hot Asian hostess about our reservation. I ogled at the model-esque looks of both of them. I make a mental note to take Senor to Sushi Roku if he ever comes to LA. He'd fall in love with the shorter Japanese twenty-something hostess in a heartbeat.
7:32pm... Showcase had not arrived yet so we waited at the bar. I checked out the decor. Change100 described it as "Zen trendy." It looked just like you'd expect... a hip LA Sushi bar with overpriced knicknacks to make it look authentic with lots of random fountains and stones.
7:33pm... I ordered a vodka and tonic at the bar. The hot bartender who looked like a former cast member of MTV's The Real World asked me what kind of vodka. "Stoli," I told her as I stared at her nipples.
7:36pm... Bartender served me my Stoli and tonic. I dropped a $20 bill on the stone bar. She gave me $12 back. I realized she was that chick from the Real World, so I left her a $2 tip.
7:38pm...Showcase arrived and we were seated in the side room.
7:40pm... Very drunk woman sitting next to us screamed into her cellphone as she and her friend sipped sake. The drunk woman looked like Lisa Loeb except with ginormous breasts. She wore a green-aqua earthly floral print with ruffles around the collar. "A wrap dress that sorta looked like a Marc Jacobs dress I tried on a few weeks ago," commented Change100. Her friend wore jeans, high heels and a funky shirt. She had "perfectly messy hair" as Derek would describe her appearance.
7:42pm... Our sake arrived and we started celebrating. We toasted to impending career success, world peace, and chicks with big tits.
7:44pm... Change100 ordered a few dishes for the table and I added a few pieces of sushi a la carte for me. I also asked for a crispy chicken dish that featured two kinds of dippping sauces.
7:48pm... I finished my vodka tonic and I drink another cup of sake as the edamame arrived.
7:49pm... Very drunk woman leaned over to the table and said, "Who are you and why should I be talking to you?"
7:50pm... Showcase explained to them that he worked in the kids entertainment field. "I dress up as Barney for children's parties," he deadpanned as the two women started laughing. "Seriously. I love children. And performing for them gives me self-satisfaction."
7:52pm... The Tuna Carpaccio arrived. It melted in your mouth like a little orgasmic wafer of tastiness.
7:54pm... The chicken crisps arrived. The mustard-chili sauce was spicy, but not too overwhelming. The avocado based sauce was tangy.
7:59pm... The yellow tail sashimi in a garlic ponzu sauce with chilies arrived. That was the surprise of the evening. Change100 knew her high end sushi dishes. "Like velvet," she described.
8:01pm... "Have you met Bo?" the drunk girl asked Showcase.
"Bo?" he answered with a confused space.
She pointed to her elbow and said, "My elbow?"
I almost spit out most of my iced tea. Showcase launched into charming series of witty sentences and explained that Change100 and I were his loyal assistants.
8:04pm.... "What's your name?" the drunk girl asked. Showcase told her his name and she laughed. "I'm Stacee. With two E's and a C, but no Y."
"I'm Stacey too," answered Change100.
"No way!" Stacee yelled loud enough that Anthony Kiedis sitting two tables down turned to look. "We have the same name!'
"Except I'm Stacey with a C, E, and Y."
"It's OK," Stacee said in a soothing voice. "I still like you anyway."
"Who are you?" she asked pointing to me.
"That's Dr. Pauly," Change100 said.
"Yes, I'm not really a doctor. I dropped out of medical school to become a lawyer and save the spider monkeys in Venezuela. I left the jungle to come represent Showcase. I guess you can say I'm the guy behind the guy."
8:10pm... Our sushi arrived and I suck up three pieces faster than Tara Reid rips a gager in the bathroom at the Ivar.
8:12pm... "That's a nice ring," complimented Showcase.
"Thanks. It's sapphire with two diamonds. My mother gave it to me. It was her way of saying, 'Hurry up and get fuckin married then go make me some grandkids!'"
8:15pm... Stacee told Showcase she lived in Orange County. They had been drinking all afternoon in Echo Park before they stumbled into Sushi Roku. "What a coincidence," explained Showcase. "I had been doing laundry and getting stoned all afternoon."
8:16pm... Stacee and Showcase got into a verbal spat. They both argued that they were the world's greatest cook.
8:18pm... Showcase and Stacee agreed to a cook off. Stacee's friend would give them the secret ingredient on the day of the cook off as I negotiated terms. Afterall, I was acting as the main legal representation for Showcase.
8:19pm... Showcase and Stacee decided upon a chili cook off. I suggested celebrity judges come in to decide the final champion. I called Wil Wheaton and AlCantHang and left messages.
8:20pm... Showcase got a phone number from Stacee. She told him to put it into his cellphone. He suggested the old fashioned way using a pen and a piece of paper.
"I just don't put anyone in my speed dial. You have to prove your worthiness."
Change100 dug a pen out of her purse. It was from the Excalibur Casino in Las Vegas. It didn't work. Stacee's friend pulled a pen out of her purse.
"This is weird," she explained. "Stacee used to date my roommate. And that's his pen."
That very pen symbolized the closure of one relationship to the next. In a chic LA sushi bar, Showcase wrote down Stacee's cell phone number using her ex-boyfriend pen. She grabbed the pen and piece of paper and started scribbled down some things. She knocked over her drink in the process and gave the paper back to Showcase.
"I'll be expecting a call from you tomorrow," she yelled.
8:22pm... Stacee disappeared for a few minutes as we discuss whether or not Anthony Kiedis from Red Hot Chili Peppers sat two tables down (or the table next to Stacee).
8:23pm... "Oh my fuckin' God!" Change 100 yelled. An Academy Award winning screenwriter who worked with Change100 on several projects sat outside. "He's an asshole. He's an egotistical dickhead. Charlie used to call him "frog face!" I fucking hate him. I can't believe I worked with that hack twice."
"So are you going over to say Hi?" I asked.
"Hell no. Not even if you paid me. Did I tell you about his dirty secret?"
"Tranny hookers?" I guessed correctly.
8:29pm... We finished up all of the sushi minus two pieces of a spicy tuna roll. Stacee appeared with three drinks in her hand. She had a big ass 40oz bottle of Kirin along with a half full glass of beer in her right hand. In her left she held a martini, which she splashed the entire way over, yet managed not to spill one drop. She stumbled to the table and miraculously got all the drinks down without falling.
"I'm not used to seeing a bottle of beer that big without a brown paper bag wrapped around it," I said.
8:20pm... Showcase fed Stacee the spicy tuna roll.
8:31pm... Showcase decided to make a tattoo on Stacee's left ankle using her ex-boyfriends pen.
8:34pm... We ordered dessert. Green tea ice cream for me and chocolate volcano souffle for Change100 and Showcase.
8:35pm... Stacee disapproved of the tattoo. So did Change100. "What are we in the 8th fuckin' grade? Pen tattoos?"
8:36pm... Stacee and Showcase bent down and she whispered something in his ear. She snuck a kiss in there and slipped Showcase the tongue. Stacee's friend turned to us and asked, "What does he do again? Besides the Barney thing?"
"He's a a true artist," I expounded.
"Whatever. As long as he's not doing porn. It's OK. He seems nice. He's really sassy."
Showcase perked up and announced to everyone in earshot, "I am sassy."
"I'm more sassy," Stacee argued.
"I usually go for smolderingly handsome. But I'll take sassy," he answered.
8:38pm... The dessert arrived and I gobbled up my green tea ice cream that came with assorted berries. I had a small bite of the chocolate volcano. It was warm and delicious.
8:40pm... Change100 spotted music mogul Guy Oseary sitting across from us.
8:45pm... We're done with dessert. Stacee came over and sat on Showcase's lap as she sipped her Martini. She flailed her arms and knocked over the glass. It was something out of a sci-fi movie. I dunno how this was physically or cosmically possible, but she caught her drink before it hit the floor. There was minor spillage and I glanced down at Stacee's massive cleavage. You could build a condo in there.
8:47pm... Bill arrived. $211. Not including tip.
8:50pm... This is where things got very strange. Stacee and Showcase started touching each other which led to them making out in the middle of Sushi Roku. Stacee's friend grew uncomfortable and slid next to us.
8:51pm... "It's like watching a car wreck," Change100 explained on Showcase's makeout session. "It's a matter of time before we get thrown out."
"It's OK. I tipped 30%," I assured them.
9:02pm... After ten minutes of Showcase and Stacee making out, we decided to leave. We walked outside and on our way to the front door, I spotted David Schwimmer eating on the patio.
9:03pm... We wait for the valet to retrieve our car as Stacee and Showcase fondled each other.
9:04pm... Stacee shoved her hands down Showcase's pants. Confirmed junk grabbing.
9:05pm... We drive away and head back to Change100's apartment. Showcase headed to his play rehearsal.
1:28am... Showcase returned home from rehearsal. He informed us that Stacee drove to Long Beach to drop off her friend and was in the process of driving back to see him. She made it clear that she was not going to have sex with him.
"That means yes," I explained. "ABC. Always be closing. Don't forget that. And if all else fails, offer to give her a massage. It's the quickest way to get a chick moist."
1:35am... Stacee called and she was lost. Showcase spent the next ten minutes on the phone guiding her in.
1:47am... Stacee arrived. She quickly gave Change100 and myself a hug. She was not as drunk as before.
1:53am... Stacee and Showcase retired to his bedroom.
1:54am... I bet Change100 that he wouldn't get laid and that she'd leave before sunrise.
2:01am... I heard Pink Floyd playing in Showcase's room as the idle chit chat stopped. We suspected that they were sucking face.
2:03am... I walked outside to the alley and peeked in Showcase's bedroom window. He indeed was making out with Stacee.
2:11am... Showcase left his bedroom with a huge boner to get some water. He was shirtless and had a hickey on his neck the size of a slice of pizza.
2:40am... Change100 came back from the bathroom. She heard Stacee moaning very loudly. "He's definitely going down on her," she explained. "Definitely."
2:43am... Change100 went out to the alley to try to peek into Showcase's bedroom. She was too short and could not see inside.
3:02am... The wifi access in the apartment went out. The router was located in Showcase's bedroom. He was banging Stacee so hard that he knocked out the router. We shut down our laptops and watched an indie flick on IFC.
3:10am... Change100 noticed Stacee left her purse out on the couch.
"It's vintage," she noted. "She's got good taste."
We found her driver's license in her wallet. She was 25 and had blonde hair in her DMV photo. I memorized her name and address since I have a photographic memory. Change100 found her passport. Stacee had been to Brazil and London in the past two years. She also had a valet ticket, a cell phone, car keys, and lip balm.
"Rosebud salve. I love this," explained Change100 as she applied some.
3:37am... Stacee let out a series of heavy moaning. We heard ass slapping sounds as well.
4:20am... Smoke break.
4:45am... Change100 and I decided to crash.
5:32am... Stacee snuck out of the apartment.
8:43am... Showcase woke up and announced, "Did you guys pay her? Seriously. Did you pay her to be at Sushi Roku and then come home to sleep with me?"
He was suspicious of her casual encounter. It's never that easy.
8:48am.. After five minutes of trying to convince Showcase that we did not hire a hooker to fuck him, he accepted the fact that he was "totally on."
8:49am... While smoking a bong hit before he headed to work, Showcase said, "And she drives a fucking cherry red convertible BMW. Did you hear me? B. M. W."
"She's got a sugar daddy or it's a lease," suggested Change100.
"You nailed a rich chick from The OC. You're my fuckin' hero!" I said.
12:35pm... Showcase came home for lunch. He showed us that he had four text messages from Stacee. One of them read, "I can't stop thinking about last night. I had a really good time." And another one said, "I could always use a good workout."
6:12pm... When Showcase came home from work, he said that she sent him 8 text messages. I told him not to call her for two days.
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