I'm Certain That Archie Had a Huge Cock is a hilarious read!! Here's a bit:
As I sifted through digest after double digest of archived Archie comics, wondering why women were attracted to this homely, teenage underdog, I suddenly realized: Archie must have a huge cock. There's no other explanation.
As you can see, Archie is quite proud of his package.
While Archie was as poor as a pauper, and could barely scrape up enough cash for a hamburger and a malt, he probably had enough meat in his pants to satisfy both the rich bitch and the good girl. And the reason he drove that jalopy is probably because it had enough bounce in the back seat to drive the girls wild.