Friday, June 24, 2005

Random Las Vegas Tales

My apartment complex at the Redneck Riviera is an episode of COPS waiting to happen. The other night I heard a loud "Bang" and I simply assumed it was a gunshot. I rolled over and went back to sleep until I heard a follow up sound a few minutes later. It was just a rare thunder and lightening storm.

There is someone who drives around with a booming stereo in his car that rivals the sound system of a trendy club in South Beach. The rap music echoes as soon as he turns into the complex. I expected a big black guy looking like Biggie to get out of the pimp mobile. Instead, a skinny cracker who resembled a cross between Tom Green and that inbred cross-eyed kid playing the banjo from Deliverance stepped out of the car with a gold chain around his neck the size of an anaconda.

Only in Las Vegas.

Lucky for me the room next door to me at the Redneck Riviera has not been rented out yet. They are still wiping down the walls from the last tenants. It's been a slow week at my apartment complex. In the last few days, I only saw one police cruiser and was disappointed that only two crack whores solicited their damanged goods my way. Few things in this world are more sobering that crack whores in G-strings.

At the Redneck Riviera there is a pool and a spa near by. I don't go to either. The pool is cluttered with inbred kids with pot bellies and their half-baked parents who let them dive into the shallow end with the recklessness of a Hawaiian pearl diver.

The spa is much smaller and is secluded with fake rocks and palm trees. I decided to spend some more time there. Why? Because that's where the strippers hang out. I spotted Candi, one of my upstairs neighbors, sitting in the mini pool and sipping a cocktail. I stopped by to chat for a few moments. She asked me about my work at the Rio. A lot of poker players have been coming into her club. The drool was hanging off of my chin as I starred at her bowling ball sized breasts. At that moment, two kids ran into the spa area shouting, "Mommy!" Candi said she was 19 and looked it. She also had two small children.

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