Friday, April 04, 2014

Aliens, Y'all

Los Angeles, CA


EXT - ROOFTOP GARDEN - LATE AFTERNOON

Bill Clinton eats his breakfast while glimpsing at porn tumblrs via an iPad. Obama drops a file onto Clinton's breakfast plate.

BILL
What the hell, Barry?

OBAMA
Why didn't you fucking tell me?

BILL
You never asked.

OBAMA
For fuck's sake Bill. Is that... a double dong?

BILL
(Biting down on his knuckles)
Heavenly? Twins too.

OBAMA
Speaking of the heavens, when the fuck were you going to tell me?

BILL
(Resumes eating breakfast and smirking while balancing iPad)
It's not my job. Cheney shoulda filled you in.

OBAMA
You know that smamry fucker Dick. 

BILL
What a jagoff.

OBAMA
Dick doesn't give up anything unless I bring him those cupcakes. 

BILL
I love them cupcakes too. The ones from Beverly Hills.

OBAMA
Sprinkles? That chic joint charges $45 for a cupcake.

BILL
Next time you go, pick up a six-pack for Old Bill.

OBAMA
There's not going to be a next time if this intel is correct.

BILL
(Slowly puts down ipad and sighs)
Barry... you gotta stop listening to those DOOM-tards. 

OBAMA
We're paying Halliburton big bucks to keep tabs on the Greys.

 BILL
You're paying them to tell you spooky ghost stories. 

OBAMA
Look at the projections.

BILL
Don't listen to analysts. It's like little kids sitting around a campfire. Trying to out-do each other by telling the scariest story.

OBAMA
So it's not true?

BILL
Well... it's not as extreme as you think.

OBAMA
The Greys are breeding us for food, Bill. How could you not tell fucking me?

BILL
Hey, what they do is their own business, right? 

OBAMA
Kidnapping American citizens is not part of the deal. That's what New Foundland is for.

BILL
They don't bitch when we use their technology to profit selling phones and flat screens.

OBAMA
Don't you see something morally wr-

BILL
Barry, you're going above your pay grade.

OBAMA
Why do we sit by and let them do whatever they want?

BILL
We all gotta eat.

OBAMA
The Greys are eating humans. We have a moral obligation to the people.

BILL
Barry, enough with the people already. No press here. Just us. 

OBAMA
We have to stop this. It violates the terms of the treaty. The people...

BILL
Fuck the people. I got shit to watch. I got one more day before Ice Queen gets home. I have to finish Game of Thrones. 

OBAMA
How far are you?

BILL
Start of season 3. But I already know about the Red Wedding.

OBAMA
So, Bill... have you ever... ummmm, seen a dragon? 

BILL
Like a real dragon? 

OBAMA
Yeah. Not, one of those albino clones that Putin had.

BILL
Cheney showed me his. Once. Just once.

OBAMA
No fucking way.

BILL
Yeah. Little surly that day. Wasn't pretty sight.

OBAMA
What went down?

BILL
Godzilla blew up a secret service agent. Two staffers too. 

OBAMA
(In Clay Davis voice)
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

BILL
WHOOOOOOOOSH. Gone in a flash.

OBAMA
Jesus Christ. Their families... what did we end up telling them?

BILL
Oh, Barry, stop being so damn sensitive. You're supposed to coast through your second term, not worrying about fantasy tales like dragons and little grey men. 

OBAMA
I'm so out of the loop. Last guy to know. Frustrating.

BILL
Don't worry about it. Relax. You need to smoke more.

OBAMA
Man, you know... I'd like to. But, I got a mountain of shit on my plate. 

BILL
More the reason to get lit.

OBAMA
And you know the fucking press. 

BILL
Fucking jerkoffs.

OBAMA
They had a bug up my ass the last time I let you aboard Air Force One and you hotboxed the bathroom with two interns.

BILL
(Big smile)
Awesome night. Sweet Willy big milestone. Mile High Club numero 1,000.
(Fumbles in jacket, pulls out a joint and lights it)

OBAMA
I'd like to, but you know my old lady. She gets on my case when I smoke. 

BILL
(Makes whipping sound)

OBAMA
She thinks I get lazy and just want to sit around and watch basketball.

BILL
What's the line in the Kentucky game? 

OBAMA
1 and a half. At least it was.

BILL
I love those Kentucky cheerleaders. My. Kind. Of. Honey. You know the saying, "I get older but they stay the same age."

No comments:

Post a Comment