If the Homeland Security Act is not amended before passage, here is what will happen to you:
Every purchase you make with a credit card, every magazine subscription you buy and medical prescription you fill, every Web site you visit and e-mail you send or receive, every academic grade you receive, every bank deposit you make, every trip you book and every event you attend — all these transactions and communications will go into what the Defense Department describes as "a virtual, centralized grand database."
Well, great, THEY already know about my superb record as a young student: Straight A's all through grammar school... and all those classes I skipped at Emory to follow the Grateful Dead... magazine subscriptions to Playboy, the Nation, and Tiger Beat... all those porn sites I register for (under those FREE 30-day tirals) and all those trips to XXX websites: Blondes on Blondes, Chicks with Dicks, Chicken Lover... all those articles of lingere I buy from Victoria's Secret for my own personal J. Edgar Hoover modeling sessions with former members of the local law enforcement agencies... all those books I buy via Amazon.com used booksellers like: The New World Order, Everything You Know Is Wrong, Disinformation, Harry Pothead and the Stoners, Feng Shui: Better Bathrooms Equal Better Minds, Top 20 Ways to Overthorw a Facsist Regime, A Man's Guide to Picking Up Single Moms... all those hate e-mails I send to Anne Coulter and Rosie O'Donnell and to Al-Jezzerra, and every rambling and ranting e-mail I send to you guys about the NWO, John Lennon-CIA-cover-up, post 9-11 NYC, aliens cover-ups, etc., all downloaded to my file... all those bets I make with Vito in Brooklyn, losing bets, mind you, and all those bets I made through my various off shore legal betting accounts... all those concerts I bought tickets to... THEY have a very good idea of who I am, my education, my credit card purchases, what bands I listen to, what celebrities I stalk, and which friends I make fun of behind their backs! (Just kidding, I wanted to make sure you were still reading....)
In the future I shall come up with new CODES to throw Big Brother, the CIA, and the NSA off my trail.
Marijuana = Bible
Cocaine = Milk
Hand guns = Oranges
Automatic Machine Guns = Grapefruits
Hookers = Nuns
Drug Deals = Church
Thugs = Elves
The Man = Popeye
Please refer to these new codes when contacting me.
Yo, McG, when are we going to Church? Popeye is not watching us anymore. I will bring the nuns, but you have to bring the milk and bibles. And don't even consider bringing the oranges, because I'll have plenty of elves with grapefruits.
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