Charlie's Goldfish Reviews
I have finally decided to blog 5 reviews from Project Greenlight. I got a very good one and one really bad one. Here is what they had to say...
Review # 1:
SCREENPLAY = 6 (out of 10)
Brief Comments:
I liked this story and most of the characters even though both were very formulaic. The interaction between the characters was decent but not all of the dialouge was natural or realistic or well tailored to character. The opening development is good and does well to explain the basic complication of the story, but the messages and morals throughout the story are heavyhanded. Charlie is the main character and he seems to me to be the weakest. I saw him as whiney and impotent, and i saw what his problems were but didn't really identify with the way he was trying to deal with him. I also don't understand the 9-11 references. They are to topical and out of place. At one point Monica even suggest that most of Charlie's problems come from denial of what happened on that day.
Description Key Words:
Believable, Flat, Ordinary, Predictable, Formulaic, Interesting
Any additional comments?
Charlie's character need to be strengthened and the dialogue refined. Especially his. His problem(s) need to be more defined. We shouldn't have to be told all the time what the characters are thinking or feeling, we should be able to discern it from their actions. Leave things for the audience to determine on there own.
Would you pay to see this movie? I'd consider renting this movie
Review #2
SCREENPLAY = 9 (out of 10)
Brief Comments:
This script was a joy to read! Aside from having a few technical errors, like miss-spells, I found this story to be charming, emotion provoking and sweet! It was decriptive enough to pull me into the story (just like being there). The writer of this script has talent and needs to continue writing.
Key Words:
Funny, Believable, Smart, Unique, Entertaining, Interesting
Would you pay to see this movie? I'd pay to see this movie
Review # 3
SCREENPLAY = 7 (out of 10)
Brief Comments:
It was good to read something, simple, inspirational, I think some dialouge could be shorter, let the characters be as simple as the story. That would let it be more natural,(drop some of the 9-11 talk, there's really only one place where it felt natural, don't force that issue) but over all I liked it, good job!
Similar Films:
The Florentine, Beautiful Girls, Tree's Lounge
Key Words:
Funny, Flat, Ordinary, Cool, Predictable, Formulaic
Would you pay to see this movie? I'd rent this movie
Any additional comments?
like I said, it was simple, but that can be good, I just think it would be better with some dialouge cut, let the characters (actors) be simple, forget being wordy... also the book deal in new york didn't have to happen, maybe there's another way he gets money, it seemed obvious, maybe he just has to deal with that situation, don't give the audience everything....easy read, thanks and best of luck.
Review #4:
SCREENPLAY = 10 (out of 10)
Brief Comments:
First of all this is far and away the best written screenplay I've read in this contest. I thought the dialouge was excellent and really distinguished the characters from each other. While some may not like the overly descriptive action sections, it worked for me. There were a couple of areas that I thought were not as strong as others, but even these minor complaints
don't take anything away from the story.
Key Words:
Funny, Believable, Smart, Unique, Fast Paced, Entertaining, Interesting
Would you pay to see this movie? I'd pay to see this movie
Any additional comments?
As I said earlier, these are minor things that don't distract from the effectiveness of the overall story. - It seeemed odd that Ed was always refered to as "Fireman Ed". Was that a global find and raplce thing? I think Ed would be fine. - A few too many people plead with Charlie not to sell the Tavern. While everyone who does plead certainly has justification, it's kind of stacking the deck against Charlie. If an audience gets the feeling that everyone is against Charlie doing this, it might make charlie appear unsympathetic. - while, i was very hesitant about incorporating 9/11 into this screenplay it was used very tastefully and added to the story. There is one exception. I thought the section where monica explains how annie's family is affected by 9/11 was a bit too much. The audience can assume that through the actions of Annie and Ed and it seems a bit heavy handed to state it for the audience. It also seems, although I don't think this was your intention, that 9/11 is being used simply as a catalyst for Charlie's persoanl change. - The appearance of the literary agent as monica and charlie are discussing writing is extremely easy. I know the characters make a joke out of it, but it still doesnt feel realistic - and since the rest of the story is very realistic - it kind of sticks out (while practically broadcasting the ending) - Along the same lines of not having everyone beg Charlie not to sell the tavern, having every single person thank him (in detail) for not selling the bar seems to be a kind of happily-ever-after overload. Perhaps 2 (maybe 3) people can thank him on behalf of the crowd. You'll get the same emotional effect. So, for real, if I didnt enjoy this screenplay I wouldn't have taken the time to mention these things. While these things were in my mind, none of them greatly distracted from an extremely well-written, entertaining screenplay. Very good job and good luck.
Review # 5:
SCREENPLAY = 2 (out of 10)
Brief Comments:
The writer has a knack for realistic dialogue and has researched or knows enough to make the characters sound like they have had full and distinct lives. In addition, the writer has talent as far as writing goes. Description. A feel of the place. However, the story never seems to go anywhere. Every character Charlie runs into tells him not to sell the bar. In addition, when Charlie meets Monica and we find out that his LA life has gone down the tubes and he meets a NY literary agent, there is no guesswork to the ending. Every character in the script tells Charlie his film was good and it is nice to have him back and that he shouldn't sell the bar. there is no conflict. If there was an opposing view or a difficult decision for Charlie to make, it might be different, but he has no life in LA.
Key Words:
Flat, Ordinary, Slow, Predictable, Not My Taste
Would you pay to see this movie? No thanks.
Any additional comments?
Overall the movie could have used more drama. It was Charlie's guilty conscious and his dream versus everybody else in the script. A guilty conscious that the reader knows from the first couple of pages that Charlie is not returning to LA, but is going to run the bar. When all the chips fall into his lap (Monica, divorce, no life in LA, a lit agent in NY) there is no contest. The ending is set. Keep the reader guessing until the last minute. Make the wife try to make up with him. Make the film company give him a second chance so he does have to choose. Make it harder for him. Make each scene dynamic. It seems as though every scene is the same with the exception of one or two (Monica's rooftop and Bob in jimmy's apartment) Think of all the what-ifs and go to town on it.
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