Thursday, June 15, 2006

Southern Style Insomnia

I have not done any illegal substances since I arrived in Tennessee on Monday. Maybe that's why I've had about ten hours of total sleep since I stepped off my plane in Nashville. That's about 72 hours of clean living. I drank 1/3 of a bottle of vodka two nights ago and had a few beers, but that's been the extent of damaging my brain cells. I must confess that I have a new addiction... Jesus Christ.

Just kidding.

But I'm in the middle of Jesus Freak country. You will find plenty of Jesus Fish and Bush/Cheney stickers on cars out here in Ashland City. Spaceman got a piece of mail yesterday that was religious literature. He says he gets stuff like that all the time.

When I was a kid, I used to watch the Barbara Mandrell Variety Hour with her sisters. The Mandrell Sisters were not my favorite show. I watched whatever my mother watched and that was one of the programs on ABC at the time. This was in the era of pre-cable and the only stations we had were CBS, NBC, ABC, PBS, and two local NYC affiliates WWOR and WPIX. That's my excuse for watching an hour of a country variety show.

A few minutes down the road from where Mr. and Mrs. Spaceman live is the estate of Louise Mandrell, one of the famous sisters. Since she's on the road all the time performing in Branson which Homer Simpson described as "Vegas for people with no teeth," her husband erected a huge cross on the side of the hill. It lights up at night. He did it so when Louise came home from doing gigs on the road, she could see the symbol of her husband's and Christ's love burning bright in the dark night.

I think that freaked out Change100 as Mrs. Spaceman told her the story as we drove by it. Yeah, everyone's favorite Hollyweird blonde entered the South for the first time. Talk about culture clash. She seems to be adjusting well to her surroundings despite the obvious differences.

We took her to Waffle House last night for the first time. It was one of the cleaner Waffle Houses I've seen and not as seedy as the one I described in my last Truckin' short story... Kentucky Waffle House. I ordered a waffle and a bacon-grilled cheese with hashbrowns. For lunch I ate a bacon cheeseburger with fries at the local dinner in L.A., which is an abbreviation for Lower Ashland City.

We went to Waffle House with Lydia who once mentioned, "Bacon makes me happy!"

She uttered these words after she devoured an entire plate of bacon at the Bellagio's buffet in Las Vegas. I forgot to mention that Mrs. Spaceman's aunt and uncle have a pig that humped their friend Lydia on Saturday at a BBQ. I think the pig was getting her back for eating all his ancestors. On Sunday, when I went to eat leftover BBQ, the pig humped a volleyball and spooged all over it.

I also discovered that Mrs. Spaceman's brother had a job when he artificially inseminated pigs. That was his first job out of college. He's the same guy who ate Little Joaquin the Rooster. Of course when I told Derek that story, he paused a beat before he replied, "You can eat a Rooster?"

Spaceman and Mrs. Spaceman have two little dogs. The youngest one licks my legs all the time. When I went to take a shower the other day, I didn't close the door all the way. I stepped into the shower for about thirty seconds and I looked down and saw one of the dogs peeking her head into the shower as she pushed open the door and then pulled back some of the shower curtain. The bathroom door was wide open and I couldn't get the dog out of the shower. I freaked out because I was worried Mrs. Spaceman would be walking by and she'd see me completely naked and wet picking up her dog in an erotic position. I dashed for the towel and I led the dog out of the bathroom and ran back inside. I've locked the bathroom door everytime I've been in there since then.

Mrs. Spaceman also told us several ghost stories the other night. Her house is haunted by the guy who originally built the house at the turn of the century. He's not a mean ghost, but a somewhat playful one. Those stories gave me the willies. She also told us about the infamous Ghost Dog that lives down the road in Clarksville.

We head out to the airport soon to pick up The Joker. Then we head to Bonnaroo for four days of music, sunshine, and fun. I've already taken a ton of pictures and I'll post everything when I get back to NYC on Monday night. I'm weary after not much sleep, but excited to party it down with some friends and some of my favorite bands.

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