Tao of Pauly

This is from an e-mail I just wrote...

I woke up this morning and I realized that Truckin' is doomed.

Although I feel its a perfect vehicle for me, I find that it didn't make the impact that I hoped it did... instead of getting the positive feedback and thought provoking responses that I had hoped to get, instead I get MINIMAL to ZERO feedback, and when I get responses from people, its the same 2 or 3.

I do not think even my own friends take the time to read it. I often ask, "Hey have you checked out my Truckin' stories?" And the answer is: "I haven't gotten around to reading them."

I often find that my solicitation emails for stories go unanswered and ignored.

This is not a self loathing email, or an email for you to tell me how great I am, and how great the site is, etc.... I KNOW all that.

I'm trying to be realistic... why should I spend time (which I don't have) and energy on a site that nobody reads?

I disappointed in the lack of impact that it has made... and I am afraid that the monthly reminders that say A NEW ISSUE of TRUCKIN' has been released gets ignored and deleted like everyone's SPAM.

I guess I'm hurt because some of the best stuff I have written to date is up on Truckin', for everyone to see, and I get no acknowledgment for my efforts, risks, and hard work. I am trying to promote fellow writers and such, but I feel insulted when I am told that my stories haven't been read. Sometimes I think (especially these days) what's the point?

I also thrive on feedback, mostly bad stuff... it shows me where I stand as a writer, and when the same 2 or 3 people say the same good things about me & the site... as much as it feels good, its not helpful because its like I'm preaching to the choir, I'm not even getting BAD responses... because I'm getting no responses how can I improve and get to the place that I want to be as a writer, if I am not getting any feedback?

Part of me wants to just finish this DEC issue and hang it up. Because this is a lot of work and energy that I feel I am wasting. I mean, I feel like shit, I sacrificed hours of sleep this week so I can write stories and make sure I meet a deadline that no one seems to care about.

I try to take a professional approach to this, but I am afraid that not everyone shares in my vision.

Part of me wants to keep going, and doing my own thing, but the other part of me is telling me that I am wasting my time, and my creative energies are needed elsewhere. I have dozens of screenplays and novels that I want to write, but I don't have the time to do that... and the thought of so much of me that needs to be expressed -- that can't, is what depresses me at a time where I feel my talent is as strong as its ever been.

What do you think?

Maybe I'm just too sick and tired, right now. Or maybe I'm just overdramatizing the fact that I risk my personal health to write and that goes overlooked...

Sneh.