Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Dear Loser

I have a great sense of humor. And I'm a very tolerant person when it comes to incompetence. So what did I do to deserve an insulting comment? I loathe people who leave anonymous flames. I welcome plenty of different opinions, but I will not tolerate anonymous comments. If they just left their name I would have shrugged off the vainless attempt to discredit me. But since the anonymous poster decided to hide like a six year old... and because I'm irked that the Yankees lost and I'm drunk as hell after pounding beers at the Yankee Tavern seconds after jury duty... I decided to attack. Yesterday, some nimrod took their time to leave an anonymous flame in my comments:
Dude- Shut the hell up already! No one cares this much about your life. You're so god damn pathetic. I know, great, you like Phish. And you saw them in Japan. Big fucking deal. I bet you got into Phish in like 1999 and are one of those newbie freaks who feels the need to prove his Phish knowledge at any opportunity.This blog is so ridiculous it's almost scary, and you my friend are the most self-obsessed egomaniac I have ever come across.
And you all know how little I think of persons who do stuff like that. I'd have more respect if that person left their name, number, and email address. But they didn't and I shall flame away. I know this for sure. The anonymous poster's IP address is: and was referred by Here's the information that sitemeter gave me:
Time of Visit: Oct 05 2004 5:45:13 pm
Visit Length: 7 minutes and 35 seconds
Page Views: 4
Referring URL:
I know that the anonymous poster is not the author of that blog. So please don't harass him!!

The facts are simple. The Tao of Pauly was referred from that blog site. I have discovered that the anonymous poster is a regular/daily reader of Prodly's blog (I was able to view his sitemeter). So Prodly, if this person is one of your friends please forward them this. It's not cool to have your friends or readers or followers anonymously trash me like they did. Not cool. You should teach your friends some manners and blog etiquette. How would you like it if one of my readers decided to insult you or your politics or your dogs? And in a pussy move did not leave their name in your comments? You'd be pretty pissed.

If they are not associated with you... I apologize in advance for grouping you in with scumbags like that. I understand that you cannot control all of your readers. But at this time, you are the sole link to this asswipe and are indirectly responsible for sending that person my way. In the meantime, I would appreciate if you would remove my blog link from your site. I'd prefer that you do not funnel me harassing visitors. I left your link still up in a gesture of good faith. If you are a stand up guy like I think you are, I am sure you will quickly find out who this person is and give me their identity so we can clear this whole mess up. And it would be nice if you assure me that you're not involved in any of this flame war. Like I said, you seem pretty cool and I hate to get you involved in this mess... but unfortunately you're stuck right in the middle.

Let's address this line by line, shall we?

Loser wrote: Dude- Shut the hell up already! No one cares this much about your life.

Dude? What am I friggin' Jeff Spicoli? This is my blog. I'll write whatever I want. I have never written for anyone else. I don't give a shit who reads my blogs and that is part of the reason why so many people choose to waste their time with me. I write from the heart, like right now, you ass muncher! My blogs are read on six continents. I have a diverse audience spanning 43 countries. Jealous? Me thinks so. In case you were wondering, plenty of other influential people think very highly of my blogs. My poker blog was featured in All In Magazine. It's also made the Top 10 Poker Blogs List. I've been linked up by one of the most famous bloggers in bloggerdom. I get more than 5000 hits a week and a lot of that traffic spills over here. So it's a known fact that people do care. And if you read the comments on this entry, you'll see just how much people do care about me. I'm lucky to have an amazing support group. Sounds like no one cares about your putrid life and you have to lash out at others just to feel some sort of satsifaction to boost your ground scrapping self-esteem. That's what happens to two bit punks with bad acne, hairy knuckles, testicles the size of peanuts, and too much free time on their hands flaming other people's blogs. Hey dipshit, send me your address and I'll mail you $1500 so you can find a blind hooker to fuck you. Sounds like someone needs to get laid. I'm sure my generous readers will donate money to get you some professional help with your obvious numerous pyschological disorders. Yep, looks like someone has a bad case of small dick syndrome.

Loser wrote: You're so god damn pathetic.

Pathetic? Good one. Pathetic would define your gutless attempt to anonymously flame my blog. Get a life. Get your own blog so I can post spineless messages about what a loser you are. Ah, that's what I'll devote today's energy for. Flaming anonymous dickwads such as yourself. And let's leave God out of this. He could care less about my blog.

Loser wrote: I know, great, you like Phish. And you saw them in Japan. Big fucking deal.

I know, great, that you have a small penis! And you need tweezers to masturbate. I love Phish (not as much as The Grateful Dead) and yes, Japan is a big fucking deal. The 2000 Phish tour to Japan changed my life. Obviously you never had an experience that overwhelms you to the point of never wanting to go back home... since you still live with your mommy. I became closer friends with the people I traveled with and created life long friendships with some of the coolest Japanese folks in the world despite the obvious communication obstacles. I instantly became a part of the Japhamily community... the collection of Phisheads (American & Japanese) who collectively experienced that 2000 tour. There's not a day that goes by where I don't think about Japan and how music truly brings people together. Idiots like you drive people apart. Sounds like you're jealous that you didn't get to go! Your loss. And you know what... Japan was a kick ass time. I've traveled most of my adult life and without a doubt, it was my greatest Pauly & Senor adventure ever. Someday I hope to write a novel about the greatest week of my life. I'll send you a copy, fucknuts.

Loser wrote: I bet you got into Phish in like 1999 and are one of those newbie freaks who feels the need to prove his Phish knowledge at any opportunity.

I'll bet my entire bankroll, you three day old pussyfart!! Obviously you failed to do your research. The author of the Tao of Pauly first saw Phish in 1989 and has been to 151 shows (possibly more) with almost 1/3 of them before 1998. I saw Phish 40 times in 1999. Amazing run that someday I hope to write up in a novel. Those guys have taken me all over this great country of ours and I could bury you with the thousands of stories I have to tell. Sounds like you're a gutless newbie freak who wanted to go to more shows, but mommy wouldn't let you go or you were a slave to conventional thinking and wouldn't get off your ass to have a good time if I put a gun to your thick head. And I don't need to prove my knowledge of Phish to anyone. My phriends know that I've seen more shows than anyone they know. When you have people coming up to you that you've never met before and ask, "Didn't I see you at Deer Creek? You're the guy with the red jacket!" it's an amazing feeling. I had one guy walk up to me in Osaka, Japan and he told me he recognized me from every Phish show in several different Japanese cities!! That's something awesome which you'll never experience. I'm a tour rat. I'm a tour celebrity. If you went to more than two shows you'd know that I'm as infamous in tour circles as Lawn Boy and the kid in the skirt with the Chiquita banana. And the best part? Phish is just a small bit of my life and my passions. There's plenty more to my life than one band.

Loser wrote: This blog is so ridiculous it's almost scary

Scary is the last person who actually had sexual intercourse with you. Scary is what your momma said after she squirted you outta her womb. Scary is the reality that our troops abroad have to face everyday. And lastly, scary is just one of the many adjectives you'll use after I track you down and call you up at 3am and taunt you with Monty Python-esque tomfoolery.

Loser wrote: and you my friend are the most self-obsessed egomaniac I have ever come across.

You are not my friend. Don't pretend to be, you gutless hipster. Who the hell are you by the way? You made an enemy here. And I can't wait to sic my minions on you. You wanna talk about scary? How would you like a couple of hundred degenerate gamblers calling you up in the middle of the night? Or worse, how about a bunch of freaked out hippies stalking your every move? I know a lot of people in low places that would love to harass you for nothing more than $3 and a jelly donut. And I'm not fucking around. Consider this a warning. Try it again and you will find someone following you home. I'd be looking over both shoulders if I were you.

And as far as the ego-maniac thing goes... you obviously never met me and I could point out a half a dozen people in my life who make me look as meek as Ned Flanders. Obviously you never understood the intent of this blog... Tao is another word for "the way". This is called the way of Pauly. It goes without saying that stuff I post is my internal chatter. And right now all I can think about is how much of a loser you are and how close my computer geek friends are to finding out your true identity and your personal information... which I will quickly pass along to those 5,000 weekly visitors to my infamous poker blog.

I've said what I said. And now I'll let my fans, friends, and stalkers continue to rip you a new asshole. I make no excuses for my behavior. I was goaded into this flame war and I will get the last laugh. I'm the luckiest person I know. I have the coolest brother and I have amazing friends. I get to surf through our society, unstuck in that 9-5 grind everyone else is trying to escape from. I travel all over the world and all over America gambling, partying, and even occasionally having sex with women way out of my league. Do you know why 5000 people read my poker blog every week? Do you know why I get to run rampant in Vegas? Do you know why I have such a good time? Personality. I got one and you wish you had one. Obviously you don't have a clue. I used to feel sorry for pathetic duds like yourself. No more. The biggest mistake made in your world... was the decision your mother made to give birth to a nebbish nonentiy like yourself. She should be proud to have given birth to a wet squib and unfortunate stooge who's greatest accomplishment is getting flamed on my blog! You should find the first tall building and jump off of it. Please don't breed and infect our gene pool with future generations of small penis, pencil neck, nimrods like yourself.

Ooooh, I can't wait to read what Iggy is going to say about your pathetic comments! Hell hath no fury like a pissed off and drunk Iggy sticking up for his friends!

Here's what Jessica recently posted in my defense:
Hey, , I guess you weren't around the last time someone tried to flame Pauly in his own blog.

It wasn't pretty.
And guess what?
This is about to get uglier.

Rule number one about the internet: If you don't like it, DON'T FUCKING READ IT. Neither Pauly nor any of his friends have forced you to read his blog. I mean, the moment you found out that he saw Phish in Japan and that that fact pissed you off, maybe you should have closed the window and never returned. No, it seems to me that you came back again and again. After all, you seem to know an awful lot about someone you profess to detest. Stalker much?

Get over yourself.

Question: Is that all you got? You see that Pauly likes Phish... and you base your assessment of -- what was it now, ASSHOLE -- "This blog is so ridiculous it's almost scary" -- on that?

Have you even read this blog, you illiterate piece of filth? Obviously not, or you would never have made that statement in the first place.

And my favorite statement of the FUCKING YEAR: "you my friend are the most self-obsessed egomaniac I have ever come across."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that's cute, you fucktard. Look, Pauly is intelligent. You, not so much. Pauly is talented. You, I highly doubt it. Pauly has friends. You, I don't think so, or you wouldn't have wasted your time on your eloquent piece of criticism.

So let's recap.

Pauly: smart, witty, gregarious, talented.

You: stupid, vapid (big word for ya, killer?), a fucking LOSER, and a hack and whatever it is you do.

Although if what you do falls under the heading of sitting in your Mommy's basement (thank you, Haley) beating off to Japanese anime tentacle porn, then I'd imagine you're a FUCKING PRO.

Don't be bitter, you small dicked asshole. And do yourself a favor and DON'T question my authority on the matter. Because since I, too, am intelligent, I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that only a self-concerned jagoff with a miniscule penis puts other people down in order to feel better about themselves.

See? It worked for me.

And another thing... WHY do you have to be anonymous? Why won't you put your name to your "scathing" commentary.? And I'd like to add that by "scathing" I mean "utterly pathetic." Unlike you, Pauly isn't afraid of the words he gives to the world. And neither am I.

My name is Jess. Come and get it, you fucking prick.
Thanks Jess! And thanks to everyone for their support.

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