Monday, October 25, 2004

A Monday Rant: Esquire's Hottest Woman Alive

In case you missed it, here's the infamous, awful list compiled by nimrod suits and hipsters that actually fork over $8 for an issue of Esquire, that both Boy Genius and Al Cant Hang blogged their thoughts on.
1) Angelina Jolie
2) Halle Berry
3) Britney Spears
4) Jessica Simpson
5) Beyonce
6) Charlize Theron
7) Jennifer Aniston
What is hot? What does Pauly find hot? It's the combination of good looks, personality, intelligence, and the fun quotient. Would these chicks wanna go beer bowling at 3am? Would any of them want to fly to Vegas and gamble for three straight days with my brother and Senor? Which one would smoke bong hits with me and watch Dazed and Confused or The Simpsons? And lastly, would any of them make me lasagna?

1. Angelina Jolie... I'm still bitter than Angelina beat out Katie Holmes in Sigge's 2003 Female of the Year contest. All bad vibes aside, I cannot rightly say that the former Mrs. Billy Bob Thorton is the hottest women in the world. Is she hot? Sure... just not number 1. She's dirty hot. And all the horny fucktards out there dig Angelina because they think she'll let them play hide the salami in her caboose. Boy Genius was quoted as saying, "There's no one I would rather spend a freaky weekend with than Jolie. Yes, she scares me a bit, but that's part of the allure." OK, if this list were for a weekend of freaky, I-won't-tell-anyone-if-you-don't-tell sex where vegetables and small furry animals are involved when I might wake up with testicles shaved and my penis cut off by a mango slicer, then for fuck's sake sure she'd be in my top 5... as long as I didn't have to talk to her afterwards. Angelina might do the beer bowling if she can get a babysitter for her adopted Cambodian baby but I know she won't get off her ass to cook for me. She barely cracks my Top 25.

2. Halle Berry... I have said once before that Halle Berry is the most overrated actress of our generation. She plainly sucks. In 10 years when her looks fade even more, we'll see just how talented she really is. Of course we'll have to sit through 3 more Catwoman flicks in the meantime. I concur with BG on his opinion, "But can we all agree that at this point Gabrielle Union has lapped her as the most beautiful Black actress in Hollywood?" Halle Berry would never cook a friggin hot dog for me let alone watch the Simpsons after scarfing down a few hits of Purple Haze. Al Cant Hang wrote, "I agree with BG on this one. Off with Halle Berry, on with Gabrielle."

3. Britney Spears... Yawn. BG said it best, "If it wasn't for doing dumbass crap to keep one's name in the media constantly, we'd have forgotten about her a long time ago." I'd have her on my list three years ago. Today? She's damaged goods. Let's stop looking at her man made cleavage and let's not forget about the trailer park psycho chick who married two guys in nine months. And whipping up a serving of tube steak does not count as "excellence in the kitchen". Look, I'm 32 years old. I want quality pussy. And Britney is nothing more than yesterday's Chinese food that sits in your fridge for two weeks before you take a whiff and throw it out because it just smells awful.

4. Jessica Simpson... I cannot sit in a room with a girl who has no idea why Dostoevsky has seriously impacted my life. I need some attention. And that chick is screaming adult ADD. Sure she's a blonde, but her father is a minister. That's a big no-no. Jesus freaks need not apply. Daughters of ministers rarely engage in threesomeones unless it's with two priests. And cooking a burrito in a microwave does not allow you to put skilled culinary expert on your resume. BG is not with me on this one. He mused, " I'd pay incredible amounts of money for a private lingerie show starring Jessica..."

5. Beyonce... She was a tough choice. Sexy and talented. Supple voice. But there's something I just don't like about her. Oh I know what it is. I hate people with one names. Cher. Jackee. Madonna. Beyonce. I had to ax her from my list. I had a feeling her record producers were buying her a spot on the list. BG loves her age, "Every time I see this girl, she gets better looking. While it seems like she's been in the spotlight forever, did you know she's only 23?"

6. Charlize Theron... A little wild. Very sexy. Blonde. And she loves Krispy Kreme. She makes my list! I must say that over the years she's warmed on me probably because she reminds me of an ex-flame. Delicious often comes to mind when describing her. I prefer to wake up next to a girl after a three day long Hunter S. Thompson-esque binge in Vegas and marvel in her natural beauty. She'd have nor problems doing an early morning wake and bake and firing up Dazed and Confused in the DVD player. OK, the negatives... her mother killed her father in front of her... so you know she's a little off in the head. I like crazy. Crazy girls are awesome in the sack. And I have a gut feeling she's the best cook out of the bunch. BG said it right, "I love the fact that she hasn't gotten implants. She's notoriously small-breasted, but unbelievably beautiful." Keep it real ladies. If you build tits, I will not come.

7. Jennifer Aniston... Implants? Nose jobs? She's got the best body that Friends residual checks can buy! OK, I might have had her on my list in 1996. But it's 2004, busting out on 2005 folks. If she wasn't married to Brad Pitt, she'd just be that chick from Friends with the hair. Her father was a semi-famous soap star in NYC, so you know that haughty taughty NYC princesses do not know how to cook. They can order in Thai food and sushi like pros, but that's the extent of their cooking prowess. Has she done anything outside of Friends? Aside from a terrible Texas accent in The Good Girl and a couple of really bad flicks in the late 1990s oh, and a poorly casted role in Ed Burns' She's the One. She's not even 41 on my list. Sorry Jen. BG verbalized my thoughts, "I think if I were to make a list of the 100 celebrities I'd like to sleep with, I'm pretty sure Aniston wouldn't make that list. I'm not sure why she's top seven anything. Seriously."

So who would make my list? Feel free to submit your thoughts. And I'll post my list sometime later in the week.

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