"The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently."- NietzscheI found out some unfortunate news this past weekend. My father's mother, my 95 year old grandmother, passed away. Sad, right? Here's the fucked up part. My father, nor anyone from his side of the family, bothered to tell me or my brother. They held funeral services and a wake... without inviting me. And here's the other doozy. Two of my father's sisters died of cancer all around the same time as my grandmother, and again, no one said a single word to me about that.
My relationships with virtually everyone in my family (both sides) are nonexistent (with the exception of my brother). Sure, when I was working on Wall Street, I was treated like an actual human being. The minute I took off the suit and started to honestly comment about the society we live in... I'm regarded as a nonentity. And you betcha the day I get to a level of recognizable fame or if I make the "TV table" at a major poker tournament... I'll get the call. I'll get hundreds of phone calls, from long lost family members and old friends. I really feel sorry for those fools. I've lost a lot of respect for a lot of people in my life. I guess my standards were too high.
The failure to inform me about the funeral is another incident in a running series of tragic disappointments that I find myself having to deal with every few months. I wonder if my choice in careers and lifestyle directly attributed to the cold reasoning behind my exclusion from the family. But it's not the first time that's happened to me, and I haven't completely flipped out, because I know it won't be the last. I'm an easy target and I often catch the brunt of people's emotional baggage and their inability to control their own psychological inadequacies, self esteem issues, personal failures, and lack of originality. It's been happening in my family for three decades and every day I see more of my friends slip away as they fall as victim to their own bitterness and they coldly toss me aside like an old pair of pants that they'd never wear out in public.
I know we live in an empty, Godless, meaningless universe, and you all know it too, so stop the fucking around, get off your high horses and realize that we're all headed to the same place... the void of nothingness. Chill out, relax, and stop the scorn.
I've been too busy to get angry or sad. Why should I devote any energy towards people who don't give a rats ass about me? I keep moving forward. My life is more important that the mind numbing drama everyone else tries to suck me into. I have deadlines. I have piles of books stacked to the ceiling that I want to read. I have money I need to make if I want to travel more in 2005 than I did this year. I have hours of videos footage to view and edit. I have a few meaningful relationships (some old and some new) that I'd like to devote more time cultivating and strengthening. I have my poker game to improve upon. Which reminds me... that I have far more important personal things to worry about that routine family shit.
I have a chance to turn $11 into an all expenses paid trip to Melbourne, Australia in January. I've already discussed the possibility of an extended holiday on that side of the hemisphere after the tournament... that is, if I can win on Wednesday on Party Poker and win the prize package. I've also been trying to win a trip a poker tournament in London next month. I'm trying to use poker as my means of seeing more of the world. It's expensive to travel, but it feels good that I can generate income out of nothing by riding the waves of good luck.
So what's up with Ghostzapper? It's the name of one of the winning horses I picked this past Saturday at Belmont Racetrack. I picked winners in three out of six races. Not too shabby, eh? I used to bet big on the ponies, and I all but stopped betting on animals. Pro football players are a whole other story.
Jodd is good luck. Senor and I named our fantasy football team (Uncle Jodd's Band) after his son... and we won our first game! It feels great to start the season 1-0 after a horrible performance in last year's pool.
I could write more, but I already spent more time than I wanted to babbling about family stuff. I have short stories to write and an interesting life to lead. I got no time to waste sucking up to those swine.